Loneliness Megathread

[wantittoendsoon]

i wish i was able to have friends im so fucking lonely its unbearable

i was always a huge pushover, i wasnt able to say no and pretty much did everything other people told me without thinking whether i myself want to do it, i was a really easy target that you could easily pressure into doing embarrassing things so people took this to their advantage. i started getting bullied at school, people forced me to do things i didnt want to do, they keep finding more and more things to make fun of me for, the way i talked, the way i walked, the way i looked, my interests, my home situation, me being poor, even my father being dead, everything. i never recovered from it and i dont think i ever will. i feel like it stripped me out of a personality, im a really bland person because im too terrified of opening up to people, im literally incapable of talking about the simplest things like my interests and it makes it impossible to connect with people

ive spent the vast majority of my life self isolating because of my fear of people and depression, i had 3 people i could call friends in my entire life and i lost all of them, im scared of being left alone again, i dont talk to anyone and its so hard to break out of it

when i finally manage to have a conversation with someone its really short and extremely awkward and leaves me wanting to bash my head in with the nearest blunt object because i have literally no socisl skills and i have no fucking idea how to talk to people. and interacting with people is just so fucking mentally draining i always overthink everything and spend all of my time thinking that they find me annoying and must hate me and i cant even tell myseld that its not true because i have no way of knowing what other people are actually thinking

i never developed social skills as a kid and i feel like its too late now. and no matter what ill do my trauma will always keep me from being able to trust people anyway

well, if you want a friend get in touch

 

[rifle]

I have a neurodivergency that prevents me from connecting with other people. well, I assume so, in any case. schizotypal is not heavily reserched, so I'm unsure about what causes it exactly, and even if it's what I say it is, but "no close friends or relations outside of immediate family" is one of the main symptoms. how funny is that? this diagnosis is basically a professional way of saying that you're a freak whom nobody likes.

I don't know which failures of my personality are caused by disorder and which are just me in all my glory. I've been lonely my entire life. I've never really had a friend. I was in elementary school when I have questioned for the first time if I would be sad if my mom suddenly died, if I would feel anything at all beside stress of such an event uprooting my regular schedule. I was in middle school when hearing about a girl's heartbreak I wanted to experience it myself, because it sounded so incomprehensible, so alien.

but the thing that gets me is I never really realized how alone I was. looking back, I can't really understand why. I can only come to conclusion that I was just a bad kid whom nobody knew to teach better. so arrogant, so obsessed with himself, so engulfed in his own delusions of self-importance.

this have been brewing for years, but only recently, a few weeks ago, it actually hit me: I am lonely. I've always been. and it's all through the fault of my own. I am desperately undersocialised, not knowing things about people others learned in kindergarten. all I know about communication comes from literature and media, and I am unable to judge how realistic any of it is.

I yearn and long for human connection, but I'm not sure I actually know what it is, if I am even able to comprehend it. I have yet to experience any kind of substancial emotion or feeling towards any of the people I've had in my life. the closest I would say is what I feel for my oldest brother: some weird mixture of shame, resentment, hatred and regret. it is painful to be in the same room with him, to hear his voice. but at the same time I don't actually know him or what kind of person he is. we haven't spoken in months.

I think if my mother died tomorrow my biggest concern would be our finances, and she's the only one who feels some kind of geniune love for me (though it's for what I represent and who she wanted me to be, not me me; not what I can blame her). I think there's just something wrong with me, something that alienates me from people. it's cruel then, I think, that the only meaning of life I find is in being a part of community, being someone's friend, someone's brother. I'll never be any of these things, I probably don't even know what any of these things are.

 

[BBBB]

Thank you for sharing. We're all here for you.

 

[randy]

I crave being around people, but then when I'm around people I want to get away from them. At least most people. Lonely but avoidant

 

[Hurt]

I never had a girlfriend. I don't know how it feels like. It sucks a lot being single. At least I have friends. But seeing all my friends with their gfs and me being single makes me feel like sh1t.

 

[Zykg85]

Still here, just more lonely. Sigh.

So tired of this

 

[charlotte_]

I crave relationships, but I can't keep up with them sometimes, I have to force conversations because I don't want others to leave me, but genuinely, I have no strength left. Also, I don't think im good enough for anyone. It hurts knowing that im no one's first choice, and probably will never be, but it is what it is. I've came to terms with the fact that I'm simply not that desirable for anyone.

 

[thereisnomeaning]

I've been isolated for so long I don't even know how to talk to people, how to build connexions, I feel lost and alone the entire time and it just sucks

 

[Zetsubou]

Forming relationships is something that I've always struggled with. Even when I do manage to bond with someone, it usually doesn't last long. Sometimes it's my own fault. My difficult personality will reveal itself and it drives people away, or I just shut myself off from others and I refuse to talk to them. Other times, things beyond my control happen and I lose contact with people. Then it becomes almost impossible to rebuild that relationship back to where it was before.

Even when I try to put in the effort and hang out with acquaintances, I always end up feeling like a third wheel. I never feel like I have anything interesting to say, so our conversations usually dry up very quickly. It doesn't help that the people I surround myself with only talk about work, even when we're at a bar or something, and I just have no interest in work talk outside of work, you know? It's gotten to the point that even when I do hang out with friends who I was once close with, I quickly become exhausted.

My biggest regret is me ghosting someone who I had considered my best friend. They were one of the very few people who truly understood me. Then I had a breakdown a few years ago and I've deleted all of my socials and cut off/blocked a bunch of people, including my best friend. We haven't spoken in 6 years. I've recently tried contacting them, but I never received a response. I have no idea if they are ignoring me or if they just never received my message.

 

[Caoine01]

I am like a swan

Thank you for these beautiful lines.
I hope you feel safe where you are now.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
Ich danke Dir für diese wunderschönen Zeilen.
Ich hoffe Du fühlst dich gut aufgehoben, dort wo du jetzt bist.

 

[m0lly]

I have a beatiful relationship w a boy, but my mom is a really evil narssistic person which isolate me from anything. The only thing i can do is working. My whole life i was isolated w my sister. 2019 my sister killed herself bc of that. So im the next. You are lonley and cant have any friends or parties. You loose so much of your life and at the end of the day you doesnt have enough energy to fight back

 

[Whistea]

Loneliness has followed me my whole life. Coming out of grade school, I never had any friends or relationships. Not a single one. At this point I am used to it and no longer lament that fact. I don't really feel the classic "loneliness" anymore. But I can't deny that not being able to connect to anyone in all those formative years most certainly had permanent and severe negative effects on my life and well-being. People can't really relate to me and I don't even want them to, because I feel so alienated to the average person and humanity as a whole that I hate them. Geniune hate.
I tried to make friends a few times in those past years, but because of the previously mentioned condition, the attempts were always half-hearted, not meant seriously, so they lead nowhere. The only time I can say that I did feel a connection to someone was when I met a girl a few months back. We talked for a few hours and I realized "Holy shit, she has the same worldview as me!". And I mean it, worldview, interests, opinions they all matched, like we knew each other all my life. Normally I can't be bothered to even greet people, but I talked with her for hours on end. It felt like I wasn't alone in this shit after all.
But eventually, as I started to like her more and more, felt closer to her, formed a bond, something inside me cracked and I abruptly cut her off. I don't remember what exactly I said anymore, but it was some corny shit like "I don't like you anymore.". It's hard for me to tell why, if I had to guess it was out of a sense of jealousy, pessimism and not wanting to be hurt/let down. And that was that.

 

[JD_looking_for_avi]

Loneliness... (1814) "feeling of being dejected from want of companionship or sympathy"; Last year I moved from my country to Europe in order to give my son the opportunity to study in a good University. He was my son and best friend. He killed himself weeks ago. Now, besides loneliness there is hopeless, sadness and I strong desire to sleep forever. If does anyone cares? Nope... I'm completely alone, in a strange country, no family, no friends... I think I'm experiencing the most loneliness scenario I ever experienced in my life. And it's painful! However, I have to be strong in order to plan my travel and get everything settled to ctb.

 

[Jezzibell]

I've never had problems making friends. Or acquaintances and a few close friends. But since my anorexia relapse in 2016, I've abandoned them and isolated myself. I lived in my house for 21 years and when I sold it, I moved 100 miles away so noone could find me or bother me.

I often wonder if I'm lonely. My mother thought I was a freak as she was of the generation that couldn't contemplate or consider that a woman wasn't married. She just could not grasp that I didn't want to.

I'm not lonely but I am alone. Before I chose to ctb, I thought life would be better if I had someone to share the burden and provide support. Not often, but a couple of times.

My family are disparate and not in touch or caring or supportive. I dont miss them from my life one iota.

Anorexia is somewhat tricky when it comes to other people. My weight is so low that I have to duck and dive from doctors to avoid being sectioned. I cant eat with people as I eat like a pig and then purge. I love my food and want to be left alone to cook, eat and purge. I don't want people constantly commenting on my weight and saying banal things like - you look too thin, just eat a bit more, come over for a home cooked meal you need it. I got tired of eating with people in restaurants and having the compulsive need to purge, knowing that when I went to the bathroom they knew what I was doing.

I don't want recovery, I want to ctb. Food is my solace and comfort. On a bad day I can eat upward of 20k calories. .

I will die alone but not lonely. I have the solace and comfort of this forum and the eating disorder one. That gives me an outlet for my natural extroverted self.

 

[EndJstifiesTheMeans]

not a single person loved me

 

[catastrophix]

My mind tells me everyday about how much of a weird, failure of a person I am. I just want to be able to communicate like a normal person. Instead, I get so anxious about talking to anyone that I end up procrastinating any social situations. I just want to make friends without feeling inferior to them. I know feeling inferior is my own fault, but it still hurts.

 

[DeathSleep]

I feel more alone now than ever. I've pushed people away. My family rejects me. I have no pets. I've never even had a partner.
It's just me ...and my therapist who is paid to spend time with me.

 

[ares0027]

i was always "anti-social" according to everyone. i never initiated friendship, partnership or anything. never went to parties, never hanged out at park, garage or whatever the shit people do. my dad and older brothers are functioning alcoholics so i always hated alcohol, never used it (tried and hated it immediately since childhood)., never smoked anything. so whatever is cool, i didnt like it. i was just the guy who knows everything when it comes to electronics and computers. so people only came to me when they needed something or had questions. i never had someone to go to, ask questions, receive answers, discuss, share... even in love relationships i never initiated or left, they always initiated it and they always left.

so i started hating people. i still hate people in general. but whenever i met someone i always, for the moron i am, looked for something to like and love. when i met someone i always went for intelligence, if it was there for my standards, that was enough, then came the shared interests, then came the actual attraction. the ones i was attracted to were never attracted to me. i cant say "i wasnt attracted to the ones who found me attracted" because it was never the case.

only thing i have relied on was my intelligence. i really thought i was a smart person but i never had anything else. never the athletic one, never the strong one, never "okay" looking one let alone good looking. you know the meme that "none of your friends get together until you call them and get together" it is exactly like that. i was never called by my friends when they were getting together, when they were doing something. i had to call them.

family never trusted me in any sense. i was always the youngest and least experienced. even when i have 9 years of education and more experience on particular subjects they still ignore me and ask random people. they didnt trust me to shape my education, career, future.

i truly loved 1 single person, for 8 year of my life and she claimed that i snore (i do snore btw) and left me after being engaged for about 3 years. why 3 years? "she wasnt ready". and today i learned that she had married someone else. she and her family was racists (i am half kurd half turk), she tried to cheat multiple times and i am quite confident she left because she found someone else, not left and then found someone else.

always looked for someone to share stuff, love and be loved. just couldn't manage. still hoping someone from somewhere just says "hi". i want someone to be silent with, cry with, laugh with. shouldn't be that hard according to everyone else?

i am forcing myself to be ready tonight. i have my notes ready, my tools ready, my cats and their food ready. if i am lucky, i wont see the sun tomorrow, or..?

 

[HonestAbe]

I can get along with anyone but so few get the disorders I have that I became a counselor for people like us. The real ones that know pain. I've had 21 people at one point or another close to me that have taken their lives and this was in my personal life.

I never judged them and fully understood why, being I go through such things everyday. It still saddens me because we were close but they just couldn't take it anymore. I relate so much.

I'm a bachelor and done with dating as it's pointless. They judge, assume or run. I always figured if the latter is your feeling or answer, stay away. They also don't realize how it affects us by them acting that way. Beyond pointless unless you meet a damaged, real person.

I'm severely blunt and honest as most are where I'm from. The transplants usually make it worse. I'm overly sarcastic and sardonic as humor helps you put up with life and survive. I believe it's the only reason I'm still here at my age when I should've died at 18 forever ago.

I'm lonely and have 4 disorders constantly playing chess with one another only I don't know what side is winning. It's taking its toll.

I have one friend I like but she's being very narcissistic because she thinks she is the only one going through something, yet I help her almost every time because I car and know she's possibly close to a nervous breakdown.

I in turn often feel weak in doing so but she's hurting and a good person, although lately she's growing on my nerves and triggering me greatly.

I also know she's a bloody mess like me but can put on the face well when she's a wreck inside. We all do it but it sucks: My friend and I are similar but also very different. While I'm good at taking with others which is her main flaw, I'm often alone.

She doesn't feel comfortable being with others because she had severe trauma in her past so she works, sees her family and stays inside the rest of the time.I love her anyway. Just lately her problems seem to be the only problems. I feel well, what about selfless old me?

I then let it go and hate myself further then into the next day if I get there. When not out, I am often isolating so not to explode on someone. Doubtful this would happen like in my 20s forever ago but the world makes me nauseous.

My PTSD and bipolar are worse than ever and they've always been bad. I'm close to ending it, and summer gets me every year as I have SAD and I feel expendable.

I'm good at helping people when nobody thinks to try or attempt and help me unless I pay them to try. I've tried every form of therapy and solution to no avail. They just make me worse and with more issues. It's so pointless. Sometimes you're better off some ad you feel better as strange as that may seem to some. At least I get myself.

I had to try all those varying therapies though and I still am trying to fight this crap, but some strangely say it's al all your head and stay calm. That is like saying to someone severely depressed to go for a walk which we all know is a common sense no-no to say.

Most simply don't get it because they haven't been there. I am sick of it. I've always listened to others with my crap or worse and not judged them because I "get it."

Few do it seems unless they go through such things. It's why I got into the field originally in the first place but I'm just seen as a helpful, strange, offbeat loner. It's fair and somewhat true.

I feel nobody carrs about anyone unless they can relate. The most honest and "real" people I've ever met were in hospitals or groups. They know pain and suffer and endure as I do daily. It's like we're our own sect of society as I half joked 20 years ago. It's true though.

I'm alone most days and my bipolar suicidal thoughts dominate. I'll have a lovely PTSD flashback and just want to collect. I'm still here but hanging by a thread.

I always endure but what's the point? Nobody cares and it often sadly only seems that the only way for it to end is to end it permanently. Harder than it would seem as it's a part of me.

I read, talk and listen about such things with others in the same boat. It helps in just having an honest discussion with non-uptight, real people.

I don't judge as I'm a bloody disaster but places like this are necessary. We're judged enough for merely being different or in pain. It doesn't make us monsters as we often feel by living with this hell.

Talking helps and all most do now is hide behind a screen and slowly become the robot they likely already were. It's maddening but there's nothing in person which I prefer.

Here though, the "real ones" reside and one can talk hopefully freely about the pains of life without judgment, hypocrisy, or fear. Yet I'm alone regardless of where I am and I'm fading. I miss the real ones. We're everywhere but these days harder to find.

 

[SolomonKado]

The start to my lonely life was my best friend and father died when I was 6 from electrocution. He woke me up in the middle of the night asking me if I wanted to go with him or stay with mom. I was 6 and tired. I asked him to wait until the morning when I got up. Next morning he was nowhere to be found and in a week he was dead. From then on I have felt I wasn't good enough for him to wait for me. My self worth was a problem from then on and I couldn't connect to anyone. I didn't realize it until I was in my 40's.

Even supervisors at work made it a point to tell me where I was wrong and never anything good no matter how hard i worked. Drowning from write up and bad evaluations. Even though some staff said they loved me in their work area because I worked had and they didn't have to worry about doing my work too.

Somehow picking bad relationship after bad relationship. The girls seemed to get excited when other guys came around. With me I could barely get them to talk if something was bothering me. They definitely kept everything inside and would treat others like crap too. Even friends felt fake. I was always the odd man out.

The cherry on top was this last relationship of mine. I went to rehab for alcohol and when I came back home, found out she was sleeping with another guy in our bed. I found this out from the guys wife. A whole life never connecting to anyone and hurt over and over. Why was I put on this earth?

 

[MrDarkness]

I'd love to be in a relationship, though every girl I've told feelings for look horrified or disgusted, no I don't talk to girls for 2 days then asks them out, I'm not weird. I've also said I look like a pedo, a rapist, a school shooter etc. honestly love isn't real, I've cut that part out of me

 

[cactusflower]

My father died and ever since then I've felt extremely empty. I've always had thoughts of leaving this world, but they were only brought to the front of my mind after his death. Since the death I've moved away from my family, friends, (the little I had), and just the fragile but still present support system I had. Now I have no one and the silence is deafening.

 

[Sichi]

He's single but I don't think he wants people to know he's fucking someone who looks like me as I'm not a beautiful woman that a man would want to show of

Somehow, this made me angry. I know you're free to do whatever you want but I hope you didn't have to sell yourself short for someone like that.

 

[esthe]

I've always been very introverted, which was and is still seen as wrong in the small town I live in. I tried to push that aside during childhood, as I was oh so hopeful in finding some real friends: and I did found one, who is to this day the person I treasure the most. He died when we were still little, and as unreasonable as it may be, I always wished I could've done more for him, or that I could've taken his place in a way, since he had a wonderful life ahead of him, while I'm keeping on just...watching myself go through days in the worst way possible. I kept on trying to make friends, to create solid connections, yet they never lasted, as there was always someone better than me to spend time with, and same goes for relationships. I'm used to it by now, yet I don't know why I keep on hoping, I wish I could just let go

 

[nico_wren]

I used to be fine with my loneliness, for years I could go without, but after being in a serious relationship for so long, not having that person there is just crushing. No friends or significant other and I feel trapped. I've tried meeting people online, and in real life, and it's all just so sucky. No one seems to want a real connection, and I'm just stuck.

 

[AnxietyHangover]

Reading this thread truly felt like reading my own thoughts... What can I say, loneliness is the greatest punishment there is for me. I feel so empty and abandoned, it shattered my soul to pieces. I hope nobody gets to experience this feeling. It got me to where I am today. A sad shell of my former self, pumped with psych meds to be kept alive.

 

[Interloper]

I have - what seems to be - irreparably ruined my last true friendship after my first best friend from here ctb, and I've never felt lonelier. I know I brought it upon myself but man I thought I knew what loneliness felt like because that's what the past 2 and a half decades of my life have been. Boy, I have never been more wrong about something. It is suffocating and it's just a constant empty feeling. Now knowing what it feels like to have someone I click with, has ruined my time alone. But of course it proved my point that it can always get worse, there's always another floor below mental rock bottom.

 

[saddestbunny]

why do ifeell like a burden to everyone I talk to like even interacting with me is some charity act they're doing I want to spend time with someone that I don't feel like I'm boring them to death and they want me gone, why can't people just fucking exist together and be fine

what is wrong with me what the fuck I can only conclude I'm the problem looking at society but thank god it won't matter soon anyway

 

[ctb-soon]

Please feel free to pm me. I am happy to chat with you.

 

[Zaphkiel]

I used to be fine with my loneliness, for years I could go without, but after being in a serious relationship for so long, not having that person there is just crushing. No friends or significant other and I feel trapped. I've tried meeting people online, and in real life, and it's all just so sucky. No one seems to want a real connection, and I'm just stuck.

That's so me...
Left home, moved from town to town for something like 10 years..
Met a girl, we married, bought our home, only to divorce 6 years after.... And i think it was mostly my fault, i ruined everything.
I feel empty without her and i think i'll be unable to ever be the same ever, just a worse version of my old introvert self. Ever.