Loneliness Megathread

[wantittoendsoon]

i wish i was able to have friends im so fucking lonely its unbearable

i was always a huge pushover, i wasnt able to say no and pretty much did everything other people told me without thinking whether i myself want to do it, i was a really easy target that you could easily pressure into doing embarrassing things so people took this to their advantage. i started getting bullied at school, people forced me to do things i didnt want to do, they keep finding more and more things to make fun of me for, the way i talked, the way i walked, the way i looked, my interests, my home situation, me being poor, even my father being dead, everything. i never recovered from it and i dont think i ever will. i feel like it stripped me out of a personality, im a really bland person because im too terrified of opening up to people, im literally incapable of talking about the simplest things like my interests and it makes it impossible to connect with people

ive spent the vast majority of my life self isolating because of my fear of people and depression, i had 3 people i could call friends in my entire life and i lost all of them, im scared of being left alone again, i dont talk to anyone and its so hard to break out of it

when i finally manage to have a conversation with someone its really short and extremely awkward and leaves me wanting to bash my head in with the nearest blunt object because i have literally no socisl skills and i have no fucking idea how to talk to people. and interacting with people is just so fucking mentally draining i always overthink everything and spend all of my time thinking that they find me annoying and must hate me and i cant even tell myseld that its not true because i have no way of knowing what other people are actually thinking

i never developed social skills as a kid and i feel like its too late now. and no matter what ill do my trauma will always keep me from being able to trust people anyway

well, if you want a friend get in touch

 

[rifle]

I have a neurodivergency that prevents me from connecting with other people. well, I assume so, in any case. schizotypal is not heavily reserched, so I'm unsure about what causes it exactly, and even if it's what I say it is, but "no close friends or relations outside of immediate family" is one of the main symptoms. how funny is that? this diagnosis is basically a professional way of saying that you're a freak whom nobody likes.

I don't know which failures of my personality are caused by disorder and which are just me in all my glory. I've been lonely my entire life. I've never really had a friend. I was in elementary school when I have questioned for the first time if I would be sad if my mom suddenly died, if I would feel anything at all beside stress of such an event uprooting my regular schedule. I was in middle school when hearing about a girl's heartbreak I wanted to experience it myself, because it sounded so incomprehensible, so alien.

but the thing that gets me is I never really realized how alone I was. looking back, I can't really understand why. I can only come to conclusion that I was just a bad kid whom nobody knew to teach better. so arrogant, so obsessed with himself, so engulfed in his own delusions of self-importance.

this have been brewing for years, but only recently, a few weeks ago, it actually hit me: I am lonely. I've always been. and it's all through the fault of my own. I am desperately undersocialised, not knowing things about people others learned in kindergarten. all I know about communication comes from literature and media, and I am unable to judge how realistic any of it is.

I yearn and long for human connection, but I'm not sure I actually know what it is, if I am even able to comprehend it. I have yet to experience any kind of substancial emotion or feeling towards any of the people I've had in my life. the closest I would say is what I feel for my oldest brother: some weird mixture of shame, resentment, hatred and regret. it is painful to be in the same room with him, to hear his voice. but at the same time I don't actually know him or what kind of person he is. we haven't spoken in months.

I think if my mother died tomorrow my biggest concern would be our finances, and she's the only one who feels some kind of geniune love for me (though it's for what I represent and who she wanted me to be, not me me; not what I can blame her). I think there's just something wrong with me, something that alienates me from people. it's cruel then, I think, that the only meaning of life I find is in being a part of community, being someone's friend, someone's brother. I'll never be any of these things, I probably don't even know what any of these things are.

 

[BBBB]

Thank you for sharing. We're all here for you.

 

[randy]

I crave being around people, but then when I'm around people I want to get away from them. At least most people. Lonely but avoidant

 

[Hurt]

I never had a girlfriend. I don't know how it feels like. It sucks a lot being single. At least I have friends. But seeing all my friends with their gfs and me being single makes me feel like sh1t.

 

[Zykg85]

Still here, just more lonely. Sigh.

So tired of this

 

[pockettan]

I crave relationships, but I can't keep up with them 🤡 sometimes, I have to force conversations because I don't want others to leave me, but genuinely, I have no strength left. Also, I don't think im good enough for anyone. It hurts knowing that im no one's first choice, and probably will never be, but it is what it is. I've came to terms with the fact that I'm simply not that desirable for anyone.

 

[thereisnomeaning]

I've been isolated for so long I don't even know how to talk to people, how to build connexions, I feel lost and alone the entire time and it just sucks

 

[Zetsubou]

Forming relationships is something that I've always struggled with. Even when I do manage to bond with someone, it usually doesn't last long. Sometimes it's my own fault. My difficult personality will reveal itself and it drives people away, or I just shut myself off from others and I refuse to talk to them. Other times, things beyond my control happen and I lose contact with people. Then it becomes almost impossible to rebuild that relationship back to where it was before.

Even when I try to put in the effort and hang out with acquaintances, I always end up feeling like a third wheel. I never feel like I have anything interesting to say, so our conversations usually dry up very quickly. It doesn't help that the people I surround myself with only talk about work, even when we're at a bar or something, and I just have no interest in work talk outside of work, you know? It's gotten to the point that even when I do hang out with friends who I was once close with, I quickly become exhausted.

My biggest regret is me ghosting someone who I had considered my best friend. They were one of the very few people who truly understood me. Then I had a breakdown a few years ago and I've deleted all of my socials and cut off/blocked a bunch of people, including my best friend. We haven't spoken in 6 years. I've recently tried contacting them, but I never received a response. I have no idea if they are ignoring me or if they just never received my message.

 

[Caoine01]

I am like a swan

Thank you for these beautiful lines.
I hope you feel safe where you are now.
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Ich danke Dir für diese wunderschönen Zeilen.
Ich hoffe Du fühlst dich gut aufgehoben, dort wo du jetzt bist.

 

[m0lly]

I have a beatiful relationship w a boy, but my mom is a really evil narssistic person which isolate me from anything. The only thing i can do is working. My whole life i was isolated w my sister. 2019 my sister killed herself bc of that. So im the next. You are lonley and cant have any friends or parties. You loose so much of your life and at the end of the day you doesnt have enough energy to fight back

 

[KobK]

Loneliness has followed me my whole life. Coming out of grade school, I never had any friends or relationships. Not a single one. At this point I am used to it and no longer lament that fact. I don't really feel the classic "loneliness" anymore. But I can't deny that not being able to connect to anyone in all those formative years most certainly had permanent and severe negative effects on my life and well-being. People can't really relate to me and I don't even want them to, because I feel so alienated to the average person and humanity as a whole that I hate them. Geniune hate.
I tried to make friends a few times in those past years, but because of the previously mentioned condition, the attempts were always half-hearted, not meant seriously, so they lead nowhere. The only time I can say that I did feel a connection to someone was when I met a girl a few months back. We talked for a few hours and I realized "Holy shit, she has the same worldview as me!". And I mean it, worldview, interests, opinions they all matched, like we knew each other all my life. Normally I can't be bothered to even greet people, but I talked with her for hours on end. It felt like I wasn't alone in this shit after all.
But eventually, as I started to like her more and more, felt closer to her, formed a bond, something inside me cracked and I abruptly cut her off. I don't remember what exactly I said anymore, but it was some corny shit like "I don't like you anymore.". It's hard for me to tell why, if I had to guess it was out of a sense of jealousy, pessimism and not wanting to be hurt/let down. And that was that.