Just wanting to vent. Haven't been on this site for a good amount of months but I've been feeling heavy lately and there's nobody for me to really talk to about it and this has before been one of the few places where people both seem to get it, actually read what people write (well maybe not this long ass post), and don't throw useless platitudes at you.
Loneliness is a bitch and I'm continually failing to escape its influence. I think if I just lived alone in a bunker or something I might have actually been fine, but I'm constantly exposed by demonstration upon demonstration of loads of other people absolutely not having my problem, and then sometimes I engage in various scenarios where I have to talk about my life and I don't enjoy my lack of contacts being on display. I'm always the one person around who's single.
I'm not "technically" alone, and people around me may not even assume there's a problem. Or maybe I stand out enough that they do. I'm not quite sure. One of my friends calls me their best friend, but they don't seem to understand or get or acknowledge that I hide 95% of my self from them because I can just smell how much they don't like it when I'm more open. How curt and preachy they get. I always feel constant leftover embarrassment if I have a drink and say a bit too much, whether it's about my inner turmoil or simply about things I like.
What is my problem really? I mean, fundamentally, I'm just odd. I don't think the way most people do. I don't know how this happened because for me it was just the natural thing. You grow and you develop your own opinions on things. Well, sometimes you develop a bit too much of your own opinions and other people don't get you and you don't get them. Been thinking I could find other similar oddballs but no luck, it doesn't seem anyone else particularly shares that kind of yearning for a connection between people who see the world differently. I've asked in places and all I get back is apathy.
I probably have some degree of autism, somewhere in the region of "can mask well enough to pass an employment gauntlet, but not well enough for people to not be weirded out once we get past initial introductions". I can do shallow, but never deep, nobody wants my deep. It's also hilariously draining to mask constantly, I should just get into acting or something. Platonic or romantic level, really doesn't matter I'm quite fine with deep platonic connections, too, but people kind of suck at deep platonic connections, usually takes romance to get there.
I'm not particularly conventionally attractive, I'm 34 now, and, worse yet, I don't do the whole performative femininity thing. It's alien to me, I feel nothing towards it. A tomboy they call it. My taste in guys is quite varied but that really doesn't seem to be the case in the other direction at all, honestly at times I wonder if men really like women, as in, as-is, as we are born. I know it's a problem because I send pictures to people and they stop talking. I don't wear dresses or makeup. I am not into any of such things, even if I wanted to give it a try I legitimately don't know how and zero bones in my body know or care for what I am doing there. My idea of a good set of clothing is a waterproof jacket and hiking boots.
I dream about a small-cute-but-dangerous man to watch/discuss TV shows/movies with and explore a questionable forest or abandoned building. I mean, if you're never going to get anything might as well go for your most unrealistic scenario ah?
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I mean on paper it's all good. I'm in a great country with extensive safety nets, I have a job that pays well, I even have my own place. I'm just, alone. I have to remind myself it's just always going to be... just me. I have to live in my own head while people tell me how that's unhealthy. Anything that stresses me? People don't want to hear it. Struggles? Don't want to hear it. Insecurities? Just gross. I mean, I get it. But the one that really cuts deep, is anything I'm into I can't share either. I talk to imaginary people in my head because I got nothing else. Anything cool I find or something I feel a certain kind of way about there's nobody for me to share it with except literal strangers on the internet.
And never ever will be. I just have to accept that fact now. And is that a life worth living?
Nobody needs shit from me, either. The only thing I really have to offer is money. I've thrown money at plenty of things. I donate to a bunch of stuff. It's always very one sided, of course. And we're told we shouldn't care that it's one sided.
Sometimes I think the issue is my job. The industry moved not where I wish it did and it brings me no joy these days, nor do I feel it contributes much back to society. But I don't really have much in the way of other skills and you need to be best of the best to really get into most other fields I think of + I have a mortgage to pay so I can't just become a delivery person.
I've increased my number of hobbies. I mean, what else can you do but keep yourself busy, right? I still play the violin and I'm getting better at it. I write, I draw. Of course, none of these things I do amazingly, and it takes about 5-10 years to get to anything anywhere near all right at them. I run 3 times a week, I do calisthenics. I'm in a language class. It's not that much, and I sense that, truly, a person is expected to do more. A lot more. From an earlier age. I am barely able to keep afloat with the schedule and routine I've setup right now, keeping it at 100% takes basically all the energy I have on my person.
I feel like that's the message I can't wipe from my mind. A person is supposed to be a certain way and hit a few points for others to be able to socialize with them. Maybe you can be pretty, I am not. Maybe you can be "fun to be around", whatever that means, I am not. Fall in line with a political position, not great at that, either. Beyond that perhaps you could be useful, but I'm not that, either, I'm at best mediocre at most things I do and there's a superior replacement somewhere, I've always been more a dabbler than someone who picks one thing and feels super passionate about it.
All in all I'm just not what people want, really at any level? I mean there are 8 billion people and I can't find someone to shoot the shit with? The message is that I'm supposed to pull some energy from somewhere to make myself good enough, but the well is dry. And it'd take maybe a decade to get there. A decade where I am just, completely alone, day in, day out, like this. I'm really not that strong. A lot of us are just this useless and undesirable and we either make ourselves desirable or just exist like this and grind at life. I think in the past, in a harsher environment, perhaps I would have just been dead, and that would have been a mercy.
I really don't think I want to live like this for the rest of my life.
