That's interesting. Not to make light of your struggle, but the whole fight club thing sounds bizarre and badass. And to have similarly desperate comrades in a private club must have been nice. That kind of thing sounds like it would contain predators with ill intentions though. I would be interested in this detailed story if you ever wanted to share it.
There's not much to say about my spiritual experience. It was some mental illness going on for sure. The story is, I was having a difficult night with some memories, this was before my PTSD diagnosis and starting therapy again. I was laying in bed feeling like shit and anxious. I got on discord and I was at the time friends with an unstable/manipulative person, with very poor timing she starting overwhelming me with something unrelated while I was already overwhelmed.
I felt these racing thoughts of guilt and feeling "evil" or inhuman. I had this racing thought that I wasn't real and that my ego was a lie. I began to breathe quickly and it turned into hyper ventilating. I had the same sensation of heart break, where I felt this intense wound in my chest. I felt like I was dying, I really felt like I was going to end and I felt all this adrenaline. I'm an athiest but out of nowhere I was begging god to spare me. I don't know what else to say except I felt touched by god in my state of mental breakdown. When the panic ended I laid in the dark crying on and off for some hours until I fell asleep.
I felt this new feeling of being touched by a powerful force, it was based around that god sensation the previous day. I wanted to make sense of it and got attached to the idea of personal dharma. I felt maybe my soul experienced everything up to now to find some purpose, and that moment was telling me that. I wondered if my fate was to try to help people suffering in my demographic. I felt like "This is it", my mental struggles were over and my spiritual journey was beginning. I felt incredibly alive. This is all very unlike me and it went away after a month. I am sure if I told a priest they would eagerly try to proselytize me.
I wonder if it was a benign bit of delusion that was brought out by untreated mental illness? I don't know.
I think in the west, we put the label "mental illness" very quickly on everything that's deviating from the norm, things we do not understand. In other cultures, altered states of consciousness are actively provoked, and their recourssfulness is well understood. So even if your experience was maybe a bit scary and hard to understand, I wouldn't judge it as being sick. You experienced something really positive through it, from what I can tell. So maybe just accept it as a present life gave to you. :) You knows what it really means, maybe there was a higher force involed. Marking it as delusion is surely as easy an explanation as "well that was god". ;)
Sure, I really like telling the story. It's pretty long, I could probably write an entire book about it, but I try to keep it short.
In march, I had an experience which is called "kundalini-awakening" in india. I think it is related to what we in the west call "mania". You experience an incredible amount of energy, self esteem, don't need to sleep or eat a lot, are happy most of the day. It's more naunced though in the yogic striptures. They describe how super strong life force rises from the botton of your spine/ from your pelvis/ from the ground itself to the top of your head. It's supposed to show you your complete energetic potential.
So I was looking for this for years already and finally archived it, thinking that this was my new me now, similiar to your experience. Spoiler alert: It's not the new me, it was just a phase, a one time event.
I was talking with some friends about this on the phone who knew what kundalini is, and they suggested I check out this youtube channel.
Apparently, there was a dude in his 40s living with 3 sexy young women in a fucking badass house in eastern germany. They had like 500 videos and seemed to be really happy and cool, authentic people, but also extremly provocative. In one video for example, the dude wore the clothes of a catholic priest, next to him skulls and one of the women, half nacked. He sang a heartful "Halleluja" and introduced his "matriarchical sex sect". Their main thing was having "kundalini sex" as much as they could, also with drugs, of course.
So apparently they found a way to experience this "shooting up energy from bottom to top" as much as they wanted, during sex.
I thaught that these people are fucking amazing and I want to meet them. So I texted them, and they told me that I'm free to come, I just have to read their book before.
So I checked it out, it was 89 Euros on amazon.
I didn't want to read that 500 pages book so I looked for a new way. In the end, they might teach me something cool, so I suggested we do something like a coaching (lots of their videos where educational aswell). The dude called me and said: 100 euros per hour. Keep in mind that 98% of the women that come into contact with us stop, 100% of the men.
That's a good price for a coaching I thought, so I booked for 2-3 hrs and was welcome to come. I was a bit nervous, but not to much.
I arrived late in the evening, 8. So they truely live in the most beautiful house I ever saw. First, they were pretty heartful, but I quickly realised they are trying their best to trigger me. Stuff like, I had to sit below them, was allowed to drink very little of the wine I baught, I got screamed at from one of the women that I don't have my ego in order for no reason etc. Which was fine for me, because I realised before that triggering is good for kundalini-energy.
So they did not suceed, I was quite good in the "training" at that point. So after some time I got kinda... puzzled, about what all is actually about here. Did I waste my money?
Then one of the women looked me deep in the eyes, to the point where she looked like she was about to cry. Not of sadness, but because she was touched. Same for me. Now they got my freaking attention! I felt fucking drawn to that woman! Still, she managed to keep controll. As she realised she got me, she started giving me soft commands, like a whispered "stop please... stop..." and stuff like that, which I immidiately followed and looked away, to her appreciation. After that, the atmosphere was really relaxed. We also watched a porn that they recorded. I was allowed to stay one hour extra for free and went away again.
After that, we had daily contact for a while. In which they proceeded with their game. Giving me attention and praise, then trigger me. I worked through their maze pretty well, even though it was A LOT harder then before, because they knew I had a weakness for this one perticular woman and they knew how to play that out. So on the fith day or something, I got a very warm 12 minutes speechnote from the dude, where he was basically pretty excited where this will eventually go, eventhough he still expressed some concerns about me. He also said he's looking for a second man for like 8 years or something without sucess. I thought... jackpot! That sounds promicing! But now, it's my turn to trigger these assholes. So I told them everything that I thought sucks balls about them, about which the dude was really not amused. No further instructions, only that I should digest the information I received in my heart, be more respectful and should stop stalking them (lol... because I was texting them more often then they me).
So with this, it truely began. It was end of march by now and the process with them lasted till end of august, so 4 months. In that time, I had a literal fight with a dude as a consequence of the contact with these people, was stalked on face book by various people and fake people, watched staged drama on their youtube channel (which seemed real), experienced profound telepathy (not fucking kidding, that was the realest shit I ever experienced). That includes that one of the women GAVE me another kundalini experience through telepathy. I broke into 2 houses (not really but the police is less understanding), had to sleep a night in prison attatched to the wall with handcuffs and had to do a weird paper chase in the village where they lived for 3 days to get the allowance to come back, basically. Sometimes I basically got ignored for weeks. And always when I wanted to quit, they gave me just that which I needed to stay interested. I even saw one of the women nacked, yay! But then I got thrown out for some stupid reasoning. I still kept contact with them because I assumed that it was part of their procedure, which turned out to be true. At some point, the uploaded really heart opening stuff on youtube, in which they basically told me how impressed their are over what I did, better then all the other wimps who tried before, and they told me that they really consider me being a friend. They invited me to come back and promised that certain things will not get room anymore. They tried to shift the atmosphere. Wanted to get to know me, and apparently to fuck with me on LSD finally. Yay. But at that point, i felt like I was close to a burn out. I really developed an emotional bond to these fuckers over the months. My self esteem was just completely destroyed at that point, so I blocked all they fucking face book fake profiles. Shortly after, they started to upload straight up pornography on youtube ( even though it was censored), after which the channel got deleted. More then 600 videos at the end, all gone. Till today, they didn't reappear, even though it's already one month now. Only a tiny channel with one video, where the dude says "Sorry guys, I couldn't behave, now everything is gone. Maybe it will come back in the future, who knows." He only uploaded 2 more vids, in which he just shows that he's still looking for male support, because he cannot satisfy 3 woman alone all the time...lol.
Some of their content reappeared on one of their private channels from one of the women, all german though, obviously.
It really appears that they try to hook me up with her for a variety of reasons.
I basically cut almost all the contact to them because I need time to stomach that all, and I told them I'm really not feeling good. I'm not blaming them for me feeling bad now, I'm not even sure that me feeling bad is a direct konsequence of the contact with them. I experienced a lot of joy with them. I do believe, in some fucked up way, these people are my friends. But I don't feel like I can live up to what they offer, at least not anymore, because I'm depressed old me again. I feel bad in the company of almost everyone, so how would it be in their company with their fucking high standarts?