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i am so lainpilled :3 (? days left)
- Apr 15, 2023
- 264
thought i didn't need this site anymore but here we are again(yayyy/j)
Ok so basically I had this whole elaborate plan to CTB last year that I came very close to achieved (purchased needed supplies and all) BUT decided not to in case "things got better in the future" (whatever tf that's supposed to mean i was stupid lol)
Now that I live in the future, life is still pretty shit only it feels significantly worse since I'm an adult now. I don't have decent parental figures or any family in my life. I quit my awful job but have struggled with unemployment and constant rejection since then (I am living off rapidly dwindling savings). I got a job but lost it today after 4 shifts. I moved out of my toxic family home but find myself isolated and having to commute extremely long and tiring distances just so I can hang out with the few people I sorta have around (well I have two main people and just awkwardly hover around). I am still a depressed slob and find myself getting increasingly worse. I tried to enrol into a non-university qualification to hopefully try to get my life back on track but found myself overwhelmed and uncomfortable whilst attending in-person classes so I switched to online only to find myself overwhelmed by the workload instead.
Pretty sure I'm undiagnosed autistic tbh like I swear to god. And not in a Tiktok way. There is genuinely something up with me but there isn't much I can do tbh. Despite being considered "gifted" (fuck this specific word omg) and being very active in extracurriculars and leadership activities, I struggled a lot with school, and specifically, social interactions which definitely made things unnecessarily hard. Having typical narcissistic and unsupportive immigrant parents/guardians definitely didn't help.
Idk it's kinda funny to me now how I thought my life would actually change for the better as if that has ever happened before like lmaoooooooo
I literally ruin everything I touch and it's to a point where it feels as if (cliche but) I was genuinely put onto this Earth solely to suffer. I won by being born into a first world country but then lost by having stupid and narcissistic immigrant parents and learning disabilities with no support whatsoever. Every day I waste alive is another day of embarrassment. I don't have a good way of euthanising myself rn but train could be good. I live somewhere with tons of unfenced railway land and dead train stations. There is no place for me on this planet. I apologise deeply to anyone that has ever had to deal with me.
I tried to change my outlook and mindset, I tried to push through, I tried to force myself to be social, I tried to be adventurous but it was enough. Can't even tell anyone because they say braindead crap like "don't give up! you have to try harder" like ffs I have been trying and dreaming of a better life for almost 2 decades now where is it. My standards aren't even that high.
tl;dr it doesn't get better, at least for me. nobody loves me or cares for me, i aggravate everyone and please no one, including myself. i don't want to turn 19. blowing my retard brain to bits would be swell but alas gun laws, so a train and some whiskey will do :3
Ok so basically I had this whole elaborate plan to CTB last year that I came very close to achieved (purchased needed supplies and all) BUT decided not to in case "things got better in the future" (whatever tf that's supposed to mean i was stupid lol)
Now that I live in the future, life is still pretty shit only it feels significantly worse since I'm an adult now. I don't have decent parental figures or any family in my life. I quit my awful job but have struggled with unemployment and constant rejection since then (I am living off rapidly dwindling savings). I got a job but lost it today after 4 shifts. I moved out of my toxic family home but find myself isolated and having to commute extremely long and tiring distances just so I can hang out with the few people I sorta have around (well I have two main people and just awkwardly hover around). I am still a depressed slob and find myself getting increasingly worse. I tried to enrol into a non-university qualification to hopefully try to get my life back on track but found myself overwhelmed and uncomfortable whilst attending in-person classes so I switched to online only to find myself overwhelmed by the workload instead.
Pretty sure I'm undiagnosed autistic tbh like I swear to god. And not in a Tiktok way. There is genuinely something up with me but there isn't much I can do tbh. Despite being considered "gifted" (fuck this specific word omg) and being very active in extracurriculars and leadership activities, I struggled a lot with school, and specifically, social interactions which definitely made things unnecessarily hard. Having typical narcissistic and unsupportive immigrant parents/guardians definitely didn't help.
Idk it's kinda funny to me now how I thought my life would actually change for the better as if that has ever happened before like lmaoooooooo
I literally ruin everything I touch and it's to a point where it feels as if (cliche but) I was genuinely put onto this Earth solely to suffer. I won by being born into a first world country but then lost by having stupid and narcissistic immigrant parents and learning disabilities with no support whatsoever. Every day I waste alive is another day of embarrassment. I don't have a good way of euthanising myself rn but train could be good. I live somewhere with tons of unfenced railway land and dead train stations. There is no place for me on this planet. I apologise deeply to anyone that has ever had to deal with me.I tried to change my outlook and mindset, I tried to push through, I tried to force myself to be social, I tried to be adventurous but it was enough. Can't even tell anyone because they say braindead crap like "don't give up! you have to try harder" like ffs I have been trying and dreaming of a better life for almost 2 decades now where is it. My standards aren't even that high.
tl;dr it doesn't get better, at least for me. nobody loves me or cares for me, i aggravate everyone and please no one, including myself. i don't want to turn 19. blowing my retard brain to bits would be swell but alas gun laws, so a train and some whiskey will do :3
