Venting life, a rotten nightmare that doesn't seem to end

[AbsurdAbyss]

The pain of losing to myself, over and over again, of being convinced of my utter uselessness in the most convincing ways possible. The worst nightmare I've experienced in waking life is one where I simply didn't exist - erased, lost in the noise, the toxicity of the world around me, where every action, every movement I make serves only to alienate me further, provoking an intensely aggravating reaction from everyone around - I've begun to doubt my own sanity, if everything I believed in, my life, my past, the meaning I gave to it, was really as solid as it seemed, in my head - then comes the killing blow, self imposed, and I realise I've lost all hope of ever being able to look at myself and the world the same way again. Crying out for help, for empathy, for understanding, for something even remotely familiar, safe, trustworthy, real to hold on to, when letting go seems so natural, so much easier than fighting for a place in this cruelty I don't even recognise anymore. Thus I long in agonizing silence for my end, that moment of no return where everything stops, and I don't have to lie to myself or those I love ever again.