anhedonya
Use common sense!
- Apr 14, 2024
- 158
Thank you to all the kind people I met on here- thank you to those who listened to what I had to say and to those who gave me help. And thank you to everyone I met in my short time on this site, so many of you have just been wonderful. This is not a normal goodbye thread (nor would I want it classified as such anyhow) and I am not going to CTB today specifically. But my time is coming to an end very soon- I'd like a quiet and peaceful few days (or as close to it as I can get) leading up to my death. I no longer feel peaceful here due to an event. I don't wish to go into the details as it would start something and become a much larger conversation, and I do not have the internal energy for that kind of thing anymore. But I am cleaning everything in my life, as best as I can, to prepare for my upcoming death- and that now means disabling my account here too. I'm going to put in the request after the only thread I have leftover is deleted by the mod team, which, thank you to the mods for so quickly cleaning my previous posts when I asked in my reports- I appreciate that a lot.
I hope everyone I spoke to here goes on to live a good life. It's too many people to name. I remember talking to DyingToDie123 a few times and she is unfortunately no longer with us. I see her name come up sometimes and I miss her. The poor girl, I wish she could've found away to live.
I'm unable to make things as perfect as I'd like them. I can't quit my job- I need the money to pay off a card before I leave this Earth. I can't vanish on my friends who know me more personally either, they'd know something was off. But I am taking all other steps that I possibly can. My plan involves drowning and will likely be enacted before the first week of June even starts. At the absolute latest, it will occur before the first week of June ends. I do not know what day it will happen. I've stopped caring on a genuine level about paying off that card, so it truly could be any day now. I don't know. My primary reasoning is that I've come to an important conclusion: to me, long term suffering is worse than short term pain. I would rather experience a primal, never before known feeling of true horror as I drown than to live through my never changing circumstances. I have tried anything and everything to get better for well over two years now and things just keep getting worse. I have no real support and I'm completely isolated. I cannot drive and I'm stuck at a shit job that I hate. I've come to a place where I hate everyone who cares about me and find myself quite bitter at their kind words- I wish they'd all leave me in solitude and forget I ever existed. I'm in a very sensitive place right now- a feeling I've never before reached with any of my attempts or thoughts about suicide. I know I'm going to go through with it this time and the chance of it being successful are extremely high. In order to live, it would take either 1) the very small chance of a rescue attempt at the time of CTB or 2) a bible level miracle to fall into my lap and change my life immediately before I go to CTB. I'm in an extremely volatile state as I keep falling into this never before found feeling. Everything makes me 100 times more hateful, 100 times more happy, 100 times more tired, 100 times more energized- on and on.
I'm not sure what to put here to end the post. I hope the best for everyone I met on here who I had the pleasure of speaking with. If there's one thing you remember about me, please let it be that I am a victim of my circumstances. I tried everything I could and I have come to a place that I can never get out of. I know this to be true. And though people have influenced my decision through traumatic events, this is my choice still, and I am primarily doing it to spare myself the horrors that I know the future holds. This will be both my mercy and my proof- I'm vain, competitive, and obsessive. I feel it fits well that my final act on this world will reflect those traits well. Again, I'm not going to kill myself today, but since I'm leaving the site itself, I'm just getting it all out there before I go (literally and metaphorically).
Thanks for everything!
I hope everyone I spoke to here goes on to live a good life. It's too many people to name. I remember talking to DyingToDie123 a few times and she is unfortunately no longer with us. I see her name come up sometimes and I miss her. The poor girl, I wish she could've found away to live.
I'm unable to make things as perfect as I'd like them. I can't quit my job- I need the money to pay off a card before I leave this Earth. I can't vanish on my friends who know me more personally either, they'd know something was off. But I am taking all other steps that I possibly can. My plan involves drowning and will likely be enacted before the first week of June even starts. At the absolute latest, it will occur before the first week of June ends. I do not know what day it will happen. I've stopped caring on a genuine level about paying off that card, so it truly could be any day now. I don't know. My primary reasoning is that I've come to an important conclusion: to me, long term suffering is worse than short term pain. I would rather experience a primal, never before known feeling of true horror as I drown than to live through my never changing circumstances. I have tried anything and everything to get better for well over two years now and things just keep getting worse. I have no real support and I'm completely isolated. I cannot drive and I'm stuck at a shit job that I hate. I've come to a place where I hate everyone who cares about me and find myself quite bitter at their kind words- I wish they'd all leave me in solitude and forget I ever existed. I'm in a very sensitive place right now- a feeling I've never before reached with any of my attempts or thoughts about suicide. I know I'm going to go through with it this time and the chance of it being successful are extremely high. In order to live, it would take either 1) the very small chance of a rescue attempt at the time of CTB or 2) a bible level miracle to fall into my lap and change my life immediately before I go to CTB. I'm in an extremely volatile state as I keep falling into this never before found feeling. Everything makes me 100 times more hateful, 100 times more happy, 100 times more tired, 100 times more energized- on and on.
I'm not sure what to put here to end the post. I hope the best for everyone I met on here who I had the pleasure of speaking with. If there's one thing you remember about me, please let it be that I am a victim of my circumstances. I tried everything I could and I have come to a place that I can never get out of. I know this to be true. And though people have influenced my decision through traumatic events, this is my choice still, and I am primarily doing it to spare myself the horrors that I know the future holds. This will be both my mercy and my proof- I'm vain, competitive, and obsessive. I feel it fits well that my final act on this world will reflect those traits well. Again, I'm not going to kill myself today, but since I'm leaving the site itself, I'm just getting it all out there before I go (literally and metaphorically).
Thanks for everything!
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