last night

[ravenx]

tonight I'll break my neck and figure out what's behind this life, and i really hope there's nothing, and i really hope i don't remember anything from my life. i never had a choice. I've been just an ugly fuck my whole life, and nothing has ever helped, not even sex like many see it as a way to seek refuge, or music or anything like that. maybe my body is deteriorating as years pass, because i cannot feel anything. i haven't done anything the last 2 weeks, just staying at home and i lost the only person that was important to me. i hope she understands this, and i really hope she understands that i was being serious about this, that I wasn't lying about killing myself, and that the way life has treated me has always been cruel and filled with pain. i hope my mom and dad get over this, because no other person really gives a fuck about me.

I'm truly alone. I wish I had friends to rely on, I wish I knew how to express and feel welcome without the need of physical contact like many of you. I can't stand it. I can't stand non-physical relationships. and tonight this has come to an end.

i am a monster