Story (last 3-4 days of my life journal) Bought SN, somehow feeling both calm and anxious, and gratitude for this site's supportive community

[JKFleck]

Today I ordered SN, expected arrival will be in 2-3 days,
I logically know that I shouldn't be afraid of death as we all were "dead" for billions of year before in this universe, by dying, we're simply going back to our roots, a bunch of random Carbon,Hydrogen,Oxygen, etc. atoms scattered all over the place

Not afraid of committing suicide being a "sin that will be punished in hell" too because I'm irreligion, religions are just things that humans make up because our brains like to make up answers for things that we don't know (and subsequently fear)

I choose my own fate
I'm satisfied and have had enough of this life, I'm scared but I'm making peace with it and will still face death like a champ despite being scared af (courage baby)
Dread it, run from it, destiny still arrives
My favorite fictional characters (and their heroic death scenes that I'm inspired from): Davy Jones, Captain Barbossa, Cutler Beckett (from PoTC), Darth Vader, and Ethan Winters from RE8, Captain Yamaguchi from Midway (2019) (that Japanese actor guy died as Hogun from MCU's Thor 3, loss a modern destroyer in Battleship, and an aircraft carrier in Midway lmfao poor guy xD), Thanos, Loki, Isaac from Binding of Isaac, hmm.. can't think of more for now, screw it SKIP
Edit: I remembered another one, Joker from Joker 2019 , duh, Arthur Fleck, that's what my username comes from

I'm tired of the impossibility to earn large sums of money without scamming or exploiting someone else's pocket (in one way or another)

I'm tired of losing relationships (in all forms) that I spend years building up

I'm making peace with it that it's not stupid to want to die "just because" I don't want to work


My regime will be simple, I'm balling it with SN in water only,
On whatever day it is I will fast from when I wake up till the evening then prepare 3 cups of 1 Tablespoon SN (14g) in 60 ml water to drink one by one, after (if) the previous ones I vomited out

I'm to lazy to get the other medications

Yes my weakass and sensitive af stomach will vomit up almost guaranteed but that's the physical pain risk I'm willing to take
You can't lose a gamble if you have nothing to lose right?

Embrace death, let the rebellion commences, why run away from the inevitable

Some heroic music I will listen to during my final hours


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There are some banger sad music like cold jorge mendez or Farewell Life by Arn Anderssonbut nah I think listening to uplifting music will be better for me
Also, according to various nurses and doctors sources our bodies is evolved to make our deaths as painless as possible when the body senses the doom incoming, how fascinating is it guys?
I'm a lucky bloke to be in Asia where SN is not heavily restricted yet, I'm grateful

 

[Agon321]

Good luck.

But I have a question. Why are you going to use 14 grams of SN?

If you are going to use this amount of SN, then 50ml of water will be enough.
Maybe even 40 ml.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
By the way.
I see you like Darth Vader. For suicide, sadness, fall and such topics, in my opinion this song is very suitable:

 

[JKFleck]

Good luck.

But I have a question. Why are you going to use 14 grams of SN?

If you are going to use this amount of SN, then 50ml of water will be enough.
Maybe even 40 ml.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
By the way.
I see you like Darth Vader. For suicide, sadness, fall and such topics, in my opinion this song is very suitable:

Oh thanks for the info I'll do just 50ml then!

 

[dogemn]

I felt incredibly happy and relieved when I bought it too a few days ago. It's pretty much impossible to order it online but luckily I found a local chem supply store that had it for very cheap in my country. It's such a huge relief to have this option at hand whenever I decide to CTB (which hopefully will be soon).

 

[JKFleck]

Good luck.

But I have a question. Why are you going to use 14 grams of SN?

If you are going to use this amount of SN, then 50ml of water will be enough.
Maybe even 40 ml.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
By the way.
I see you like Darth Vader. For suicide, sadness, fall and such topics, in my opinion this song is very suitable:

Man, Anakin is literally me, had it all, but everything's gone due to my mental illness

 

[Agon321]

Oh thanks for the info I'll do just 50ml then!

But you can try 40ml first.
50 ml is standard, but for 25 grams of SN.

Of course I know that even 2 grams of SN can kill, but why are you going to use 14 grams of SN?
Sorry for asking, I'm just curious.

 

[JKFleck]

But you can try 40ml first.
50 ml is standard, but for 25 grams of SN.

Of course I know that even 2 grams of SN can kill, but why are you going to use 14 grams of SN?
Sorry for asking, I'm just curious.

Because it is precisely easy to measure for me (in tablespoons) and also happens to be just slightly above my lethal dose
Hmm.. I wonder if less water means less chance of vomiting it up and more chance of it getting absorbed?

But you can try 40ml first.
50 ml is standard, but for 25 grams of SN.

Of course I know that even 2 grams of SN can kill, but why are you going to use 14 grams of SN?
Sorry for asking, I'm just curious.

Wait nvm I got my answer from ChatGPT

But you can try 40ml first.
50 ml is standard, but for 25 grams of SN.

Of course I know that even 2 grams of SN can kill, but why are you going to use 14 grams of SN?
Sorry for asking, I'm just curious.

Thank you for your recommendation, I've found new information now on how to make vomit less likely, I'm grateful
I'm grateful I will not have to study or work excessively anymore,
I'm grateful of this site's existence, the genuine open-mindedness and no-censorship around the "trigger words" is a huge deal
I'm grateful that I was able to "make it rain" on my best high school friend before I lose everything
I'm grateful that I can choose my own fate and not have to suffer anymore
I'm grateful of the few humans on this Earth who have a kind heart
I'm grateful that I have attended funerals before and became familiar with death
I'm grateful that I know that logically I shouldn't fear death
I'm grateful that I have a comfortable dormitory room to die in private
I'm grateful for all the memories both good and bad I have in this life
I'm grateful that I'm not physically disabled
Practicing calm 4-4-4 seconds breathing techniques to calm myself down
Me when I say "I choose my own fate"

 

[Agon321]

Because it is precisely easy to measure for me (in tablespoons) and also happens to be just slightly above my lethal dose
Hmm.. I wonder if less water means less chance of vomiting it up and more chance of it getting absorbed?

Wait nvm I got my answer from ChatGPT
View attachment 145017

Thank you for your recommendation, I've found new information now on how to make vomit less likely, I'm grateful
I'm grateful I will not have to study or work excessively anymore,
I'm grateful of this site's existence, the genuine open-mindedness and no-censorship around the "trigger words" is a huge deal
I'm grateful that I was able to "make it rain" on my best high school friend before I lose everything
I'm grateful that I can choose my own fate and not have to suffer anymore
I'm grateful of the few humans on this Earth who have a kind heart
I'm grateful that I have attended funerals before and became familiar with death
I'm grateful that I know that logically I shouldn't fear death
I'm grateful that I have a comfortable dormitory room to die in private
I'm grateful for all the memories both good and bad I have in this life
I'm grateful that I'm not physically disabled
Practicing calm 4-4-4 seconds breathing techniques to calm myself down
Me when I say "I choose my own fate"

Ok, I personally prefer to stick to proven doses and regimes, so I'm going to drink 25 grams of SN.

Of course, you will do as you see fit.
I have never carefully studied how SN affects the body in smaller doses.

But I would still use a scale to weigh the SN.
Spoons are not very reliable.

Less water could potentially reduce the likelihood of vomiting a bit and maybe the SN will be absorbed faster, but I'm not sure.

 

[JKFleck]

Ok, I personally prefer to stick to proven doses and regimes, so I'm going to drink 25 grams of SN.

Of course, you will do as you see fit.
I have never carefully studied how SN affects the body in smaller doses.

But I would still use a scale to weigh the SN.
Spoons are not very reliable.

Less water could potentially reduce the likelihood of vomiting a bit and maybe the SN will be absorbed faster, but I'm not sure.

Yeah, trying to find the balance where the right amount of SN and water (too much of either will lead to vomiting)
I work for a guy who sells trading courses for a living as a side job (basically scamming people but it's legal because they consent to it and the "not financial advice" excuse yadayadayada )to my bachelor in economics school, and on top of everything else I've learned and experienced I've come to the oversimplified conclusion that in this world,

You either be
1.Kind and generous and work a low paying and have little chance of ever being financially independent on your own OR
2. Be like me and my employer and exploit other people's hardwork and do things that involves marketing, selling something, doing business and shit and having no morals whatsoever and get filthy rich

I don't want to be a part of it

My favorite fictional characters (and their heroic death scenes that I'm inspired from): Davy Jones, Captain Barbossa, Cutler Beckett (from PoTC), Darth Vader, and Ethan Winters from RE8, Captain Yamaguchi from Midway (2019) (that Japanese actor guy died as Hogun from MCU's Thor 3, loss a modern destroyer in Battleship, and an aircraft carrier in Midway lmfao poor guy xD), Thanos, Loki, Isaac from Binding of Isaac, hmm.. can't think of more for now, screw it SKIP

Edit: I remembered another one, Joker from Joker 2019 , duh, Arthur Fleck, that's what my username comes from
JKFleck = JoKerFleck

 

[Agon321]

Yeah, trying to find the balance where the right amount of SN and water (too much of either will lead to vomiting)
I work for a guy who sells trading courses for a living as a side job (basically scamming people but it's legal because they consent to it and the "not financial advice" excuse yadayadayada )to my bachelor in economics school, and on top of everything else I've learned and experienced I've come to the oversimplified conclusion that in this world,

You either be
1.Kind and generous and work a low paying and have little chance of ever being financially independent on your own OR
2. Be like me and my employer and exploit other people's hardwork and do things that involves marketing, selling something, doing business and shit and having no morals whatsoever and get filthy rich

I don't want to be a part of it

Edit: I remembered another one, Joker from Joker 2019 , duh, Arthur Fleck, that's what my username comes from
JKFleck = JoKerFleck

Personally, I'm a bit afraid to experiment, so I choose a proven dose.
I don't want to take unnecessary risks.

You'll probably vomit anyway.
Vomiting also doesn't automatically mean failure.
It all depends on how much SN has been absorbed.

Of course, I wish you good luck.
CTB is difficult.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------

CTB is a private matter. Everyone may have their own reasons.

I'm guessing your boss is a coach or something?
When I was a little younger, I used to listen to this type of people on YouTube, but I quickly learned to stop doing it.

This was probably largely influenced by the fact that my mental problems were gaining momentum and I simply had no energy for "self-improvement".
The second thing is that I realized that most such people are fraudsters who cleverly manipulate other people.

I am definitely different from you because I would have no problem making money in an immoral and unethical way.
I simply don't have the energy, strength and intelligence to do something like that.

I also like the movie Joker.
To be honest, I never liked superhero movies/series (even when I was a child).
For example, Marvel is total garbage to me.

I only like the movie/series: Joker, Nolan's trilogy and The Boys.

Everything else superhero movies and series are just boring/very boring/tragically boring to me.

Of course, it also depends on what we call a superhero movie/series.

 

[JKFleck]

Personally, I'm a bit afraid to experiment, so I choose a proven dose.
I don't want to take unnecessary risks.

You'll probably vomit anyway.
Vomiting also doesn't automatically mean failure.
It all depends on how much SN has been absorbed.

Of course, I wish you good luck.
CTB is difficult.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------

CTB is a private matter. Everyone may have their own reasons.

I'm guessing your boss is a coach or something?
When I was a little younger, I used to listen to this type of people on YouTube, but I quickly learned to stop doing it.

This was probably largely influenced by the fact that my mental problems were gaining momentum and I simply had no energy for "self-improvement".
The second thing is that I realized that most such people are fraudsters who cleverly manipulate other people.

I am definitely different from you because I would have no problem making money in an immoral and unethical way.
I simply don't have the energy, strength and intelligence to do something like that.

I also like the movie Joker.
To be honest, I never liked superhero movies/series (even when I was a child).
For example, Marvel is total garbage to me.

I only like the movie/series: Joker, Nolan's trilogy and The Boys.

Everything else superhero movies and series are just boring/very boring/tragically boring to me.

Of course, it also depends on what we call a superhero movie/series.

Thank you for actively engaging in talking with me :)
and yes my boss is a coach

Woah even my death will cost someone their money, welp, welcome to capitalism! xD

 

[JKFleck]

I'm grateful of the people who I love that I used to have
Life is beautiful because there is an end, it's like inflation, if there is unlimited lifespan it would have no value

 

[JKFleck]

Doing Mentally, good, Physically, my body is weakening, hope I have the strength to ride a bus back to my dorm room before I weaken further with less food being eaten

The logic side of my brain knows that there's nothing intrinsically bad with death as we all technically were "dead" for billions of years before we were born already and it wasn't hurting at all
I just need to beat my instinct, primal side of the brain

Gotta sleep early tonight 9:40 PM so that I'll have the energy to travel back to my uni dorm room tomorrow, good night guys

 

[andreamysk]

Wishing you a peaceful transition, @JKFleck. Perhaps investing a little time in finding an effective antiemetic could be time well spent. In any case: peace be with you

 

[aslank98]

Good luck brother.

I'm likely to join you too. This world is getting on my nerves and I do not wish to be a slave anymore. Fuck this world and everything about it.

I'm glad I purchased some SN recently. It's seemingly difficult to acquire here in the UK.
I hope for a peaceful journey into the next stage.
I think I'm going to watch some pirates of the Caribbean I loved those movies haha.

 

[opheliaoveragain]

Peace to you.

 

[JKFleck]

Good morning, as expected this morning I ate little solid food for breakfast today cuz I physically can't with my reduced appetite so I'm going with milk and protein drink to give me the energy to travel back to my dorm room
It's ok it's ok"…… it's alright

We're all in this together

We're going to die anyway, all of us

I'm just accepting my fate earlier than the social norm

 

[JKFleck]

I just safely reached my dorm room

 

[feelinggloomy]

I hope find peace

 

[JKFleck]

I hope find peace

Thanks

 

[JKFleck]

 

[JKFleck]

Today I got my SN shipping tracking number, They haven't even picked it up from the chemical shop yet so I'll have to wait 2-3 more days from now

Spoiler: Suicide doesn't always have to be irrational and impulsive people

 

[JKFleck]

Update: The shipping company updated me that my SN will arrive within 12th July (2 days from now) so tomorrow evening will be my last meal and then on the 12th I'll fast
This might sound dark and selfish af but one of my secondary reasons to CTB is "Can't suffer pain from losing loved ones if you're the one that dies first"

 

[JKFleck]

Tonight will be my second-to-last not death sleep :3
This time is it, good night guys

 

[YosemiteGrrl]

Tonight will be my second-to-last not death sleep :3
This time is it, good night guys

@JKFleck Are you planning on documenting your process in real time here on the site?

 

[JKFleck]

@JKFleck Are you planning on documenting your process in real time here on the site?

If I have the strength to after consuming it, yes

 

[YosemiteGrrl]

If I have the strength to after consuming it, yes

Thank you. Eternally grateful.

 

[JKFleck]

Bruh the shipping company told that the delivery man tried to contact me but I'm not seeing any phone call or missed sms history in my phone

Hans Zimmer is a fucking genius composer, damn

 

[JKFleck]

1:58 PM. Got my SN arrived and mixed my 3 cups of mixture ready, will consume in about 45-1 hour from now, gotta wait for a long enough fast
Turned on the AC and wearing socks to comfort myself
Got 2 basins on each side of my bed to vomit into in preparation so that I won't make too much mess out of my dorm room

 

[b_adr]

1:58 PM. Got my SN arrived and mixed my 3 cups of mixture ready, will consume in about 45-1 hour from now, gotta wait for a long enough fast
Turned on the AC and wearing socks to comfort myself
Got 2 basins on each side of my bed to vomit into in preparation so that I won't make too much mess out of my dorm room

I know this is not what you want to hear, but please don't do SN without anti-emetics. There is a very high chance you will not be successful in your method. Also, if you are in your dorm room, you will likely be found and rescued. If that is what you want, go ahead. But if not, wait and plan out properly.