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amongmyswans

-
Jan 23, 2024
1
I'll be dead by 8 am, tomorrow PST. This was my last time waking up, and it's surreal to me that I mostly feel relieved. I'm 19 and I've contemplated suicide since I was 10. So for almost a decade now, I've managed to evade it, and I credit mostly the fear of dying to that as well as the fear of missing out on life. I've always told myself things would get better, I thought they had too, but I've accepted that it was never a guarantee that "things would get better". And I no longer care enough to live and find out if they do. I can't say that the fear is entirely gone but I can say for the first time in ten years, the pendulum has swung in the favor of death over the fear of it. And it's such a surreal feeling.

I didn't realize how many things you have to do before you CTB. I'm young so I don't have as many things to leave behind, or as many responsibilities as some of you might, but I think I have most of my affairs in order. I cleaned my room. It doesn't seem important but I thought I should. I've deleted all my emails and social media accounts with the exception of the burner email I used to make this account. I've wiped my laptop and phone. And when I was 13 and made my bank account, I made my mom the beneficiary so I think she will get what I have saved from working over the years. Hopefully my car too. I've left instructions on how to take care of my ball python, I fed him yesterday. The weirdest was my phone. One time when I got a new phone for my 15th birthday, something went wrong when I transferred all the stuff over from my old phone, and I ended up losing like 10 thousand pictures. I cried for 3 days. My life is basically my phone, I live on it, and it's all gone. And again, I don't feel anything but relief.

My method will be hanging. I've tested it out on various places in my room, like from my headboard on my bed which surprisingly worked, I just had to sit/lay down at an uncomfortable angle. But I am going with the rod in my closet. I just have to kneel a little and my head starts pounding and my eyes feel like they might pop out of my skull. I tied a simple knot that I got from a link on lostallhope. It's currently hidden underneath my mattress. Almost everything is set up for tomorrow, and I'm relieved

I live at home, so my family will find me. Probably my sister. I've been unemployed for 2 months now and my sleep schedule is all screwed up so they know not to check on me until they hear me walking around because I hate being woken up. Even if I don't come downstairs until 10pm, they won't check on me, because they know how much I hate being asked if I'm awake. It's been like that since I quit my job.

I've written and rewritten my note a hundred times, this may not be the final draft but I wanted to share it, maybe you guys will understand even if my family doesn't ⬇️

I am sorry to whoever found this. Found me. I thought about doing it somewhere secluded, where I wouldn't be found for awhile, but I figured me being considered "missing" by the police would be a bigger heartache than me just being dead. At least now you guys will know what happened. And I hope you will understand why I did it, so please just keep reading, I think it will help. If you're wondering why I'm dead, it's because I don't think I ever really had a chance at happiness…my brain just isn't wired for it. I have found a semblance of happiness in the little things over the years like all my collections, watching shows/movies, reading, listening to music, playing video games etc. but I think I've jumped between different hobbies and random interests as a distraction. I spent all my conscious hours on my phone, or on my computer, or on a book, as a way to escape what was actually going around me and in my head. But I can't even find an escape in those anymore, I can't even find a semblance of happiness in those little things. And if I can't even find little things to be happy for, what hope do I have? There is just nothing worth living for. That was a kind of a scary thought for me to accept. I mean, I've gone through spells of being suicidal over years where I thought that, but lately, it's been cemented in my brain. It's my truth, and I have come to terms with it. There's just nothing that gets me excited to wake up. Nothing that makes me want drag myself out of bed. Not even the possibility of a happy future is enough to make me want to live to see it. And even if I got everything I was supposed to, like an actual career, a place to live, maybe a husband and kids, I wouldn't be happy. I've never actually yearned for those things. Yeah maybe I've fantasized about it in my head, but even if I had it all in front of me, I wouldn't want it. It's how life is supposed to be, it's the things you're supposed to want, but it's never been that way for me. What I've wanted for a long time, was to cease to exist. And I finally found the courage to get it. So please don't feel like I wasted my life, like I cut it too short, because again, I've never wanted it. Maybe you guys think that's ungrateful, and I can see how it is, but I really am grateful for all the years I've lived and to you all. I didn't come to this decision lightly. So don't ever feel like you guys didn't do enough, honestly the reason that I've held off on killing myself for so long, is because of you guys. I've thought about doing it since I was 10. Some years were better than others, some were worse, but no matter what, it's always been at the back of my mind. So know that I lived a whole decade for you guys, because I never wanted to give anybody that kind of pain. Our family has had enough grief, and I know that this is adding to it, but please don't let it harbor in your heads/hearts for too long. Just cremate me, and put me next to grandma and grandpa. No need for a memorial service or anything, I really really really don't want that. If you want to know how I feel as a I write my last words, I'm not gonna lie, I am a little scared. Scared that maybe it didn't work. Maybe I'll be brain dead in a hospital before I'm actually dead. I'm scared that God is real. That I'll burn for eternity for doing this. But above all that, I'm relieved. Im relieved that I made a decision, and that I've gone through with it. I'm relieved that the constant turmoil in my head will be over. I'm relieved that I don't have to drag myself through life anymore. And I hope you were also able to find some relief in what I wrote. Maybe not now, I'm sure this note is probably futile at the moment, but maybe in a couple years, you can read it again and find some peace in it. I love you, Mom, please don't be too hurt. I love you, Dad. I love you, *** . I love you, ***. I love you, *** . I love you all so much. Goodbye for now

I'm going to enjoy my last day. Goodbye everyone :)

"Death must be so beautiful…to have no yesterday, and no tomorrow. To forget time, to forgive life, to be at peace"
- Oscar Wilde
 
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Leavesfromthevine

Leavesfromthevine

Untreated Trauma
Nov 23, 2023
339
It's unfortunate life has put you in this position. Best of luck with everything and I hope you find peace regardless.

I hope you can enjoy your day as much as possible! Best wishes
 
breezeboy

breezeboy

To infinity and beyond
Dec 8, 2023
404
You express yourself so well. I don't know you but I won't forget this note.
Thank you for sharing.

Hope all goes well for you.
Safe travels<3
 
FuneralCry

FuneralCry

Just wanting some peace
Sep 24, 2020
35,287
Farewell, I hope that you find the freedom you search for, best wishes.
 
D

drapperxyz

Quiet anticipation
Jan 16, 2024
10
That was incredibly eloquent, I wish you peace
 
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Reactions: inaminute
Shadowpriest

Shadowpriest

было плохо - будет хуже
Jan 20, 2024
54
inaminute

inaminute

Student
Dec 12, 2023
192
Wow you're braver than many. Peace be unto you 🙏
 
Princess_Kitty

Princess_Kitty

Lost kitty
Jan 4, 2024
176
Farewell and hope you find eternal peace 🕊️. Best wishes ❤️
 

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