Last ~10 years of my life was a time of pure waste and degeneracy. I understand that most people dont want to read this, because its too long and that's ok - i have no hard feelings for that.
Time passing, I can't accept the fact how many years have passed already and how many of them I wasted. It drives me crazy, how many years I was just sitting on chair and did nothing, just playing video games. Memories of these years are disappearing more and more with every another year. It's like im not really living from last 10 years, im just existing, breathing, eating, but it all lost its purpose long time ago. My life is in its vegetative state, my life have no meaning or sense. It's just pure nothing. Nostalgia, fuckin nostalgia is literally killing me.
Had a girlfriend, 5 year relation – I turned her into depressed trash like me and then we broke up, some time after breaking with me I tried to contact with her and she said that she doesn't want to meet with me again and she have much bigger issues than before, she became insanely obese. Right now I just know that she is alive, nothing more.
I'm being constantly rejected / kicked out of any job I find. Coworkers always hate me. Last time that I lost a job was because issues with my memory – I wasn't able to remember enough to make them think I will manage to do this job without supervisor. I have no idea what makes my short time memory failing so often, maybe its my diet, maybe lifestyle. I never had motivation to change anything in order to check if my memory gets better.
I failed my studies at university at first year – I wasn't able to find motivation for learning. In primary school and highschool I was always kind of pushed by my teachers and forced to study by my mother. When I passed my highschool I've foolishly decided that it will be best and most optimal to go to full time work from Monday to Friday with studing on the university at weekends, which after 3-5 years makes you educated and already with years of work experience in CV. I failed my studied at 1 year and lost that job after 1,5 year. I never had motivation to learn atleast enough to pass exams and also I was one of the worst employees in my team at work – hated by coworkers and not liked by bosses.
All friends I ever had from last 10 years were only internet relations – they all left me, literally everyone. There was a time when I was feeling there are many of them, now there is nobody – everyone left me / betrayed me / hates me
Last year my father turned into regular alcoholism, he is no longer capable to think rationally, its impossible to talk with him about anything. He was always a psychopathic monster, truly evil human being, but now he is additionally broken and probably soon is going to die due to destruction within his own body or car-crash accident (he is driving after drinking tons of vodka, he even have troubles with getting into the car. He could also go into jail after he will kill somebody by drunk driving. My mother and my little sister (9 y.o) will soon be alone, because there will be no one else after my father will die and I will commit suicide.
I was going to 3 psychiatrists and 3 psychologists (6 different people) – they never managed to help me, to change literally anything. Im immune to this kind of help. Our society and science is not yet in a point where we know how to help people like me. Any meds also never did any good to me.
Guys… Im literally done, that feeling of old age is kicking so hard now. Im 29 yo and I know for many of you – im still young, but its only from your point of view, because you are far older. Im in lower position than people many years younger than me – they already studing, having first job, having relations. I have nothing, my life is empty and full of suffering.
I'm the example of human being that is not capable to live by itself – im just too weak, stupid etc to ever be able to handle adulthood, to do anything worthwhile with my life.
I've tried to find any ways to somehow devote my life to some actual goal, or maybe donate my organs – just to leave any positive value. Again – nothing. I just cant find anything. No help from anywhere. Only these idiotic tons of pro-life articles and informations, while there is nothing to let you give your life away for some actual purpose. Right now many families are living their own nightmares, because for example their child is dying and needs to get some parts of human flesh that I could just offer them for exchange of my own life and I would love to do it, trade my life for other, but ofc there is fuckin nothing, I have no ways do make it happen, I can only waste my body.
In last 10 years I was talking many times with my mother about me being suicidal, about not being able to do anything in my life, about not having money. My mother were never able to help me, just because she had no idea how. She was often giving me money to keep me alive or paid my bills. ~2 years ago my mother told me that she is ready for my suicide and she believes that she will deal with it even if it will be hard for her and for my sister. She just promised that she will manage, that she will not collapse and die. I don't know if it was serious or just to manipulate me out of suicide. The thing is that I never spoke with her again about anything bad happening in my head or about suicide. Maybe that was her plan, maybe even her own therapist told her to do it or maybe she was just saying plain truth, but the fact is it made me stop talking with her about that stuff – no more attention seeking from my mother.
Now im closer to commit suicide than ever, because my life and my overall situation were never that tragic as they are now and I still have no power within myself to speak with her. I just know that it will only give her pain and stress, because she cannot do anything, she cannot fix me. Now she cannot even help me with money, because she don't have enough and she clearly don't want to help me financialy – probably because she belives that as long as she saves me in terms of money that long I will never learn to save myself, so she is just allowing me to drown to make me learn how to swim. When she calls me and asks whats up Im saying "nothing" or "fine" and she is just ok with it – this is clearly what she wants from me – that I will no longer be a child that requires help, but an adult that is 100% capable to life by my own. Overall my mother is no longer any help for me and said that she is ready for my death. She is still full of hope, but she knows I will probably never be well.
Too long I was living with this liability about not hurting my mother and sister by taking my own life – I just cannot do it any longer, im too weak, im literally collapsing, there is less and less of me every year of my life. I tried to protect them from the sadness of losing me as long as I could, but now my strength just ends.
My teeth are actually falling out, one by one. It's because of lack of dental hygine (I was never capable to keep washing my teeth regulary) and insane amount of sugar I take (mostly from monster energy drinks that I've because highly addicted to). I've already lost 3 of them and im pretty sure there will be another soon – every few months im losing a fuckin teeth. Each time I feel like it's a symbol of death coming closer and closer. Right now when I write this poem that most you will not even read, because it's too long Im holding my teeth in my hand – it felled just today and im keeping it for some reason, I don't want to separate from him, I don't want to lose him, it's just a small piece of my own bone destroyed by decay and I want to keep it. It was in my mouth my entire life and now it just lies on my desk in front of me. Im completely lost, I have no fuckin clue what to do, I will never get enough money to get implants, especially when the next teeth will fall out soon. It's like a real life nightmare dream. Right now im living true hellish nightmare that I know I will not wake up from, because this is my reality.
I have some fuckin fungus on top of my forehead, behind my ears, on top of my head hidden by hair and on my back. All of these places plagued by fungus that shows itself as red stains that are making my skin constantly fall, which also makes me having insane dandruff, so strong that each day after I wake up I need to wipe tons of little pieces of my own skin from my pillow. I cannot go to doctor because I have no money to pay for a visit and to buy meds that he would prescribe me. Im able to hide it with my hair and clothes, but soon it will contaminate my entire head and it will make by hair fall off like my teeth are already falling. I live in Poland so my country is devastated by mafia politicans so when I make a phone to appoint visit to a doctor that could help me with my skin problems they say that I would need to wait several MONTHS. Situation with dentist is even more grim. To make it simple – if you wanna get healthy at Poland you need to pay for that and if you don't have money you better go and fuckin die. Free medical care that my country offers is just a lie on paper – same as democracy.
I cant free myself, cant kill myself and I don't know why. Maybe im too weak, maybe too scared of pain, failure or maybe I don't wanna die, but im lying to myself that I want. Im literally losing my mind, its no longer just sadness, anger, depression like it used to in all these years. Now im literally going insane, crazy, nuts. I scream inside my head and I cannot scream in my home because my neighbor will hear me. My mental pain is absolutely not something that anyone should endure, im no longer only suffering – im being terrorized by my own reality, by my 29 year old body that is already weak and collapsing like body of 80 year old main and yet I have no other option to continue enduring this hellish parody of life, because Im too weak to actually take my life – not enough courage and motivation or anything else that I just cannot read from my own mind – that is another thing that I was always terrible at, which is reading my own emotions and real reasons behind my actions and thoughts.
Reality is crumbling and there is not even 1 single soul in entire world willing to help me, which is not even something wrong, because after all im beyond our society abilities to help – giving me money will only prolong my suffering. My mother was doing that many years hoping that soon I will just stay on my own feet, while I just lived longer thanks to her money and now im poor and helpless again.
I feel lots of hate and despise towards people that are successful and I know it's probably because im not. For example when I see some stupid streamers that represent shit and are trash people and they get so much money from idiots that are paying them I cant fkin stand it, its revolting. My blood boils when I see that trash just gets a donation just for being a retard so big that I would need to work 2-3 days to earn it. I know that hate is just consequence of me being a failure. Even if it's just me being hateful from envy then it still makes me suffer even more.
Right now i need to somehow survive next 31 days before i will get payment from my current garbage job. With that money i will be able to buy SN that is so popular on this forum. Im curious how am i gonna feel when i will finally have suicide tool in my possession, maybe it will make me more peaceful, maybe it will help me make some actions, but im still thinking im not even close to become so brave to actually use it. I cant stand reality, i cant stand that soon another teeth will fall out of my mouth. Im a wreck and i cant free myself because of weakness.
Time passing, I can't accept the fact how many years have passed already and how many of them I wasted. It drives me crazy, how many years I was just sitting on chair and did nothing, just playing video games. Memories of these years are disappearing more and more with every another year. It's like im not really living from last 10 years, im just existing, breathing, eating, but it all lost its purpose long time ago. My life is in its vegetative state, my life have no meaning or sense. It's just pure nothing. Nostalgia, fuckin nostalgia is literally killing me.
Had a girlfriend, 5 year relation – I turned her into depressed trash like me and then we broke up, some time after breaking with me I tried to contact with her and she said that she doesn't want to meet with me again and she have much bigger issues than before, she became insanely obese. Right now I just know that she is alive, nothing more.
I'm being constantly rejected / kicked out of any job I find. Coworkers always hate me. Last time that I lost a job was because issues with my memory – I wasn't able to remember enough to make them think I will manage to do this job without supervisor. I have no idea what makes my short time memory failing so often, maybe its my diet, maybe lifestyle. I never had motivation to change anything in order to check if my memory gets better.
I failed my studies at university at first year – I wasn't able to find motivation for learning. In primary school and highschool I was always kind of pushed by my teachers and forced to study by my mother. When I passed my highschool I've foolishly decided that it will be best and most optimal to go to full time work from Monday to Friday with studing on the university at weekends, which after 3-5 years makes you educated and already with years of work experience in CV. I failed my studied at 1 year and lost that job after 1,5 year. I never had motivation to learn atleast enough to pass exams and also I was one of the worst employees in my team at work – hated by coworkers and not liked by bosses.
All friends I ever had from last 10 years were only internet relations – they all left me, literally everyone. There was a time when I was feeling there are many of them, now there is nobody – everyone left me / betrayed me / hates me
Last year my father turned into regular alcoholism, he is no longer capable to think rationally, its impossible to talk with him about anything. He was always a psychopathic monster, truly evil human being, but now he is additionally broken and probably soon is going to die due to destruction within his own body or car-crash accident (he is driving after drinking tons of vodka, he even have troubles with getting into the car. He could also go into jail after he will kill somebody by drunk driving. My mother and my little sister (9 y.o) will soon be alone, because there will be no one else after my father will die and I will commit suicide.
I was going to 3 psychiatrists and 3 psychologists (6 different people) – they never managed to help me, to change literally anything. Im immune to this kind of help. Our society and science is not yet in a point where we know how to help people like me. Any meds also never did any good to me.
Guys… Im literally done, that feeling of old age is kicking so hard now. Im 29 yo and I know for many of you – im still young, but its only from your point of view, because you are far older. Im in lower position than people many years younger than me – they already studing, having first job, having relations. I have nothing, my life is empty and full of suffering.
I'm the example of human being that is not capable to live by itself – im just too weak, stupid etc to ever be able to handle adulthood, to do anything worthwhile with my life.
I've tried to find any ways to somehow devote my life to some actual goal, or maybe donate my organs – just to leave any positive value. Again – nothing. I just cant find anything. No help from anywhere. Only these idiotic tons of pro-life articles and informations, while there is nothing to let you give your life away for some actual purpose. Right now many families are living their own nightmares, because for example their child is dying and needs to get some parts of human flesh that I could just offer them for exchange of my own life and I would love to do it, trade my life for other, but ofc there is fuckin nothing, I have no ways do make it happen, I can only waste my body.
In last 10 years I was talking many times with my mother about me being suicidal, about not being able to do anything in my life, about not having money. My mother were never able to help me, just because she had no idea how. She was often giving me money to keep me alive or paid my bills. ~2 years ago my mother told me that she is ready for my suicide and she believes that she will deal with it even if it will be hard for her and for my sister. She just promised that she will manage, that she will not collapse and die. I don't know if it was serious or just to manipulate me out of suicide. The thing is that I never spoke with her again about anything bad happening in my head or about suicide. Maybe that was her plan, maybe even her own therapist told her to do it or maybe she was just saying plain truth, but the fact is it made me stop talking with her about that stuff – no more attention seeking from my mother.
Now im closer to commit suicide than ever, because my life and my overall situation were never that tragic as they are now and I still have no power within myself to speak with her. I just know that it will only give her pain and stress, because she cannot do anything, she cannot fix me. Now she cannot even help me with money, because she don't have enough and she clearly don't want to help me financialy – probably because she belives that as long as she saves me in terms of money that long I will never learn to save myself, so she is just allowing me to drown to make me learn how to swim. When she calls me and asks whats up Im saying "nothing" or "fine" and she is just ok with it – this is clearly what she wants from me – that I will no longer be a child that requires help, but an adult that is 100% capable to life by my own. Overall my mother is no longer any help for me and said that she is ready for my death. She is still full of hope, but she knows I will probably never be well.
Too long I was living with this liability about not hurting my mother and sister by taking my own life – I just cannot do it any longer, im too weak, im literally collapsing, there is less and less of me every year of my life. I tried to protect them from the sadness of losing me as long as I could, but now my strength just ends.
My teeth are actually falling out, one by one. It's because of lack of dental hygine (I was never capable to keep washing my teeth regulary) and insane amount of sugar I take (mostly from monster energy drinks that I've because highly addicted to). I've already lost 3 of them and im pretty sure there will be another soon – every few months im losing a fuckin teeth. Each time I feel like it's a symbol of death coming closer and closer. Right now when I write this poem that most you will not even read, because it's too long Im holding my teeth in my hand – it felled just today and im keeping it for some reason, I don't want to separate from him, I don't want to lose him, it's just a small piece of my own bone destroyed by decay and I want to keep it. It was in my mouth my entire life and now it just lies on my desk in front of me. Im completely lost, I have no fuckin clue what to do, I will never get enough money to get implants, especially when the next teeth will fall out soon. It's like a real life nightmare dream. Right now im living true hellish nightmare that I know I will not wake up from, because this is my reality.
I have some fuckin fungus on top of my forehead, behind my ears, on top of my head hidden by hair and on my back. All of these places plagued by fungus that shows itself as red stains that are making my skin constantly fall, which also makes me having insane dandruff, so strong that each day after I wake up I need to wipe tons of little pieces of my own skin from my pillow. I cannot go to doctor because I have no money to pay for a visit and to buy meds that he would prescribe me. Im able to hide it with my hair and clothes, but soon it will contaminate my entire head and it will make by hair fall off like my teeth are already falling. I live in Poland so my country is devastated by mafia politicans so when I make a phone to appoint visit to a doctor that could help me with my skin problems they say that I would need to wait several MONTHS. Situation with dentist is even more grim. To make it simple – if you wanna get healthy at Poland you need to pay for that and if you don't have money you better go and fuckin die. Free medical care that my country offers is just a lie on paper – same as democracy.
I cant free myself, cant kill myself and I don't know why. Maybe im too weak, maybe too scared of pain, failure or maybe I don't wanna die, but im lying to myself that I want. Im literally losing my mind, its no longer just sadness, anger, depression like it used to in all these years. Now im literally going insane, crazy, nuts. I scream inside my head and I cannot scream in my home because my neighbor will hear me. My mental pain is absolutely not something that anyone should endure, im no longer only suffering – im being terrorized by my own reality, by my 29 year old body that is already weak and collapsing like body of 80 year old main and yet I have no other option to continue enduring this hellish parody of life, because Im too weak to actually take my life – not enough courage and motivation or anything else that I just cannot read from my own mind – that is another thing that I was always terrible at, which is reading my own emotions and real reasons behind my actions and thoughts.
Reality is crumbling and there is not even 1 single soul in entire world willing to help me, which is not even something wrong, because after all im beyond our society abilities to help – giving me money will only prolong my suffering. My mother was doing that many years hoping that soon I will just stay on my own feet, while I just lived longer thanks to her money and now im poor and helpless again.
I feel lots of hate and despise towards people that are successful and I know it's probably because im not. For example when I see some stupid streamers that represent shit and are trash people and they get so much money from idiots that are paying them I cant fkin stand it, its revolting. My blood boils when I see that trash just gets a donation just for being a retard so big that I would need to work 2-3 days to earn it. I know that hate is just consequence of me being a failure. Even if it's just me being hateful from envy then it still makes me suffer even more.
Right now i need to somehow survive next 31 days before i will get payment from my current garbage job. With that money i will be able to buy SN that is so popular on this forum. Im curious how am i gonna feel when i will finally have suicide tool in my possession, maybe it will make me more peaceful, maybe it will help me make some actions, but im still thinking im not even close to become so brave to actually use it. I cant stand reality, i cant stand that soon another teeth will fall out of my mouth. Im a wreck and i cant free myself because of weakness.
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