TorturedSoul999
Member
- Aug 11, 2023
- 34
I lost my girlfriend of 3 1/2 years due to a psychotic episode brought about by extreme stress. It's been 7 months since the breakup and 5 1/2 months since she began dating someone else, causing me to lose my chance of redeeming myself forever. I ordered the SN and antiemetics in August and they arrived in September. Since then I've gotten a new girlfriend and tried to be happy but the guilt of my actions and knowing I lost the best relationship I'll ever have crushes my soul everyday.
I had a small spark of hope that we could talk again one day in the future as I discovered last week she unblocked me. I planned to wait and consult my therapist for advice but she canceled. So I messaged them that day. They ended up not being happy to hear from me and subsequently re-blocked me. I think it was simply her being indifferent to me that caused her to unblock, rather than waiting to hear from me. Either way, if that was the case, being re-blocked didn't matter much.
In the months that followed me finding out that she was with a new guy, my outlet became studying spirituality In hopes I could comfort myself by believing that I would see her again, that God would give me a second chance to start my life over. I found this guy named Anthony Peake who has done research on this topic and claims that at the point of death, chemicals are released in your brain that slows time down to the point where even though you die here, you never actually die because from your point of view, you slip out of time and your consciousness never actually reaches the point where you die. Time slows down and divides but never reaches zero. In the last millisecond, you relive your life over again. According to Peake, you do it again and again until you live the "perfect life". Then you are able to move on and rest in Heaven. This conflicts slightly with my Christian beliefs, but his theory on the afterlife gives me a lot of comfort. If there were some higher form of myself that wanted to see what it felt like to lose my soulmate in this life in order to teach me that life without your soulmate is a living hell and to hold onto them in the next life, everything makes sense. It feels pointless to learn this lesson if I won't be able to go back to apply it. If everything happens for a reason, it doesn't make sense for me to live out this life full of regret only to go to heaven and never live it again. It's a miserable existence.
I'm aware that many here are Atheist or belong to other religion. However in my eyes, there is so much proof that the spiritual world exists. I had an OBE when I was young where I felt my soul be ripped from my body. It was an experience unlike anything I've ever felt. I know it was real. At least it felt incredibly so. It's one of the things I don't look forward to experiencing if and when I live this life over again. My best friend in high school was taken over by a "demon" who told them things I had done with my ex that they couldn't possibly have known. They left scratches on their arm. Random scratches would also appear on my ex.
Anyways, my hope is that when I CTB or die of natural cause, that I would have the chance to relive this life to make better decisions and create healthier relationships, happier memories. I hope this happens for all of you too. Many religious people use hell to scare people away but I believe that suicide is the same as any other form of death, brought about by bad circumstance. I don't think God is cruel and understands the pain we are all in. It truly feels like my Life has ended. I don't want to hurt my mom, but I could only hope that eventually she'll be at peace with my passing if I go.
What is everyone's thought on this possibility of the ability to rerun life to do it better? We wouldn't have our memories but rather small senses that influence us to change things.
I had a small spark of hope that we could talk again one day in the future as I discovered last week she unblocked me. I planned to wait and consult my therapist for advice but she canceled. So I messaged them that day. They ended up not being happy to hear from me and subsequently re-blocked me. I think it was simply her being indifferent to me that caused her to unblock, rather than waiting to hear from me. Either way, if that was the case, being re-blocked didn't matter much.
In the months that followed me finding out that she was with a new guy, my outlet became studying spirituality In hopes I could comfort myself by believing that I would see her again, that God would give me a second chance to start my life over. I found this guy named Anthony Peake who has done research on this topic and claims that at the point of death, chemicals are released in your brain that slows time down to the point where even though you die here, you never actually die because from your point of view, you slip out of time and your consciousness never actually reaches the point where you die. Time slows down and divides but never reaches zero. In the last millisecond, you relive your life over again. According to Peake, you do it again and again until you live the "perfect life". Then you are able to move on and rest in Heaven. This conflicts slightly with my Christian beliefs, but his theory on the afterlife gives me a lot of comfort. If there were some higher form of myself that wanted to see what it felt like to lose my soulmate in this life in order to teach me that life without your soulmate is a living hell and to hold onto them in the next life, everything makes sense. It feels pointless to learn this lesson if I won't be able to go back to apply it. If everything happens for a reason, it doesn't make sense for me to live out this life full of regret only to go to heaven and never live it again. It's a miserable existence.
I'm aware that many here are Atheist or belong to other religion. However in my eyes, there is so much proof that the spiritual world exists. I had an OBE when I was young where I felt my soul be ripped from my body. It was an experience unlike anything I've ever felt. I know it was real. At least it felt incredibly so. It's one of the things I don't look forward to experiencing if and when I live this life over again. My best friend in high school was taken over by a "demon" who told them things I had done with my ex that they couldn't possibly have known. They left scratches on their arm. Random scratches would also appear on my ex.
Anyways, my hope is that when I CTB or die of natural cause, that I would have the chance to relive this life to make better decisions and create healthier relationships, happier memories. I hope this happens for all of you too. Many religious people use hell to scare people away but I believe that suicide is the same as any other form of death, brought about by bad circumstance. I don't think God is cruel and understands the pain we are all in. It truly feels like my Life has ended. I don't want to hurt my mom, but I could only hope that eventually she'll be at peace with my passing if I go.
What is everyone's thought on this possibility of the ability to rerun life to do it better? We wouldn't have our memories but rather small senses that influence us to change things.
Last edited:
