Discussion Kinda stuck with imposter syndrome

[Candy_Catalyst]

This is a secret kinda part of myself I hate, I'm not diagnosed with anything honestly what am I doing here. It's so frustrating.I have experiences that could be considered trauma but I've also kind of disconnected from them, I can't remember much what am I doing exactly lol.
Well, I don't want a diagnosis but shit has been plaguing me constantly and I have no other explainations for it but I also don't trust myself or my experiences.
I had a counsellor once, I opened up to her and she suddenly insisted I had schizophrenia and shit and I denied it at first but she kept pushing it. She proceeded to schedule a talk with a psychologist and kept interjecting shit like 'She thinks she has depression and anxiety' despite me never mentioning anything of that sort I had just mentioned I was feeling down due to reasons at home and by the end of the whole meeting. The pyschologist made me do some tests and showed me a graphic video on schizophrenia so I looked disturbed and just told me I was overexaggerating and was just a 'disturbed teen'. What? It was so embarrassing and humiliating I hated it but since then a part of me, well a huge part has felt insecure about how I've been feeling, they all keep trying to act like they understand me and then throw me around.
I've had to hide a ton of feelings and shit to keep up acts for my family, I cant lash out I can't do anything and I just wanted to talk and label and explain how I feel without feeling judged without feeling like I was exaggerating, but I can't admit to it. I tried to talk to a different counsellor but when I sat down I just repeated the same story I tell all of them, it isn't what is hurting me or how I feel or how I might actually be depressed but it's what comes out of my mouth. What am I doing anymore.

 

[tuyu]

Hello,

It definitely feels bad to have gone through what you've just did with mental health "practitioners" (I used the quotes because I don't think any counsellor / therapist / psychologists worth your money would be treating your case like that). I'm sure most of us here can understand how you feel because we likely have experienced it before.

It sounds to me like these counsellor / psychologists you're seeing are from your school? Correct me if I'm wrong. Btw the difference between good mental health practitioners and shit ones are like night and day. You can look up some therapists that post their content on YouTube. Some of them specialize in stuff like childhood trauma and I watch them from time to time. I think the content is pretty decent (from my own pov as well as acknowledgement from other commenters)

Also, you definitely don't need some sort of diagnosis from anyone to be posting here… feel free to use this space to vent, I think most people here are pretty empathetic :)

 

[Candy_Catalyst]

Hello,

It definitely feels bad to have gone through what you've just did with mental health "practitioners" (I used the quotes because I don't think any counsellor / therapist / psychologists worth your money would be treating your case like that). I'm sure most of us here can understand how you feel because we likely have experienced it before.

It sounds to me like these counsellor / psychologists you're seeing are from your school? Correct me if I'm wrong. Btw the difference between good mental health practitioners and shit ones are like night and day. You can look up some therapists that post their content on YouTube. Some of them specialize in stuff like childhood trauma and I watch them from time to time. I think the content is pretty decent (from my own pov as well as acknowledgement from other commenters)

Also, you definitely don't need some sort of diagnosis from anyone to be posting here… feel free to use this space to vent, I think most people here are pretty empathetic :)

I've had a ton of government mandated or school mandated counsellors and this was one of them. It wasn't a pleasant experienced and was one of the reasons I turned away from the idea of seeking help else where, I guess. I've fallen into the habit of just repeating everything and I don't feel valid enough about my own feelings to express them so it would eventually be a waste of time, since nothing much is wrong. Aaa this is irritating to think about.
But it's comforting to know that maybe they won't be the same, I appreciate your reply a lot for real <3 thanks

 

[dendronize]

I have experiences that could be considered trauma but I've also kind of disconnected from them, I can't remember much what am I doing exactly lol.
...
I've had to hide a ton of feelings and shit to keep up acts for my family, I cant lash out I can't do anything and I just wanted to talk and label and explain how I feel without feeling judged without feeling like I was exaggerating, but I can't admit to it.

I can relate - I have pretty bad episodic memory, so I also have issues trusting myself or my experiences. I used to be pretty suggestible ex. one therapist thought I had bipolar and convinced me I did, but looking back I don't think that diagnosis matched.

Like @tuyu said, counselor / therapist quality varies greatly - I think it's worth it to keep trying to find the right one. Also in the end the goal is to get better and occasionally therapists just need a temp diagnosis to send to insurance. Would writing down your feelings before meetings help? Inability to express feelings is itself a clue too.

 

[noname223]

I don't understand the story fully and it is pretty hard to judge. I had psychosis (from bipolar but often also happens to people with schizophrenia).
I cannot give a diagnosis but met a lot of people with schizophrenia in clinics.

People with schizophrenia are not able to see that they are ill in like 99% of all cases. It is almost impossible to give an accurate diagnosis on your own if you really have schizophrenia. (Especially if you never had a proper diagnosis). I have met a lot of schizophrenic people and 99% were not self-aware. The reason for that is schizophrenia deceives the person in an acute episode. Most people without medication are usually delusional.

I had psychosis and the only thing that helped was the medication. I had some crazy self-diagnoses before I got the official diagnosis.

My personal advice (by my own experience) if one or even more professionals tell you you have schizophrenia you should consider there might be the possibility they say the truth. I would (and I did) take the proper medication and realized they were right. It was the first step to increase my life quality.
However I am only a stranger online who cannot give you an accurate diagnosis. I can only tell you my experience from the condition I have.

 

[kindalone]

I had a different experience with a doctor that has given me imposter syndrome ever since. I basically questioning if I really do have depression or if just glorify suicide and depression because it gives me an easy out for my problems. Maybe I'm just lazy and use mental illness as an easy way to justify it.

 

[SolidDiscovery]

I'm so sorry this happened to you.

If it makes you feel better, I "strongly believed" (aka basically was 100% sure) that I had 3 specific conditions. It took years - like 7 years - until I could see a psychiatrist who diagnosed me with all 3 of those conditions. That was after my therapist had told me she thought I was just "misinformed about nutrition" and that I didn't have an eating disorder, a doctor who knew nothing about me or my history (never bothered asking) gave me a "preliminary diagnosis" of a neurological disorder that it turns out don't have, and a psychologist refused to give me a diagnosis in general.

Why did I continue to seek out a diagnosis? I think education is the crucial part as to why I was so adamant that I was, at the very least, on the right track. I read through the criteria for each suspected disorder on the DSM5 (it's very important to be honest with yourself and try not to stretch the criteria to fit your scenario), watched videos of licensed psychologists talking in depth about each illness, and did a lot of self-reflection on how these symptoms were affecting me.

At the end of the day, you know yourself. If you are worrying that you are faking it, you're probably not. I encourage you to seek out another psychologist/therapist/psychiatrist, and don't give up until you feel as though your thoughts and experiences are validated.

I wish you the best, and remember that there's hope :) sending love <3

 

[Candy_Catalyst]

I had a different experience with a doctor that has given me imposter syndrome ever since. I basically questioning if I really do have depression or if just glorify suicide and depression because it gives me an easy out for my problems. Maybe I'm just lazy and use mental illness as an easy way to justify it.

Hey, I really appreciated many of the comments left on the thread and it made me reconsider how I saw myself, I hope that maybe you can see yourself in the advice that is in this thread as well. I wish you well in your future endeavors and I know there is a trend of people faking/glorifying mental illnesses and it's what put me off of this stuff as well, but people in this site so far have been very understanding and I hope you'll find comfort here as well. I don't think you are lazy, just well kinda dying I guess lol don't worry too much and take time to explore who you are.