loslassen
call me jvne
- Dec 8, 2023
- 162
I just feel like all the effort I've been making to get better in the last few months got thrown out the window.
I can't even begin to list all the reasons that just make me seriously want to lock myself in my room and hang myself in the closet for no one to find.
every time my d4d leaves t0wn (which is often, don't get me wrong but he has a lot d3bts and is trying really hard to fix everything but he leaves us to fend for ourselves so often) the l4ndlord or maybe even someone else who says to be messes with me and my sister and cuts our services even though they've been paid, I can't step foot outside out of fear not going to lie to you, anyway we're running out of food but I have to work hard for my sister, if it weren't for her though, I probably would've let myself starve already. And even then, she assumes a role in which she cooks and idk I guess she gets entitlement to treat me badly from that then keeps on cooking out of guilt, we've talked about this, and I try really hard to keep the house clean and do my part, but the cleaning is a lot more energy consuming and she never does it, like ever, neither does my dad, I always end up cleaning alone and on my own and it's just so tiring when I already work for money, I can't split the chores with her because she's seriously so mean to me, I can't handle arguing with her and it never leads anywhere.
not to mention this goes atop alllll the context I've given through my vents in my profile, my familial issues, my chronic illness, debt, poor hygiene because I don't own a washing machine and can't afford dish soap or detergent at times, having barely any food, all this while living in a super nice place because when we first got here things were really fine. sorry if I'm barely making any sense, I'm trying to stay coherent and not just blurt it all out, but in summary I just feel like all I've been working hard for against myself just doesn't matter, all it takes is for my dad to leave and us have no money to dig back in this hole of suffering and overthinking, without mentioning my sister keeps throwing rocks at me while I dig. I really don't know what I did for her to treat me so bad, I think she thinks of me of a lazy ass because I don't know how to cook and she feels responsible of me (she's my older sister), but that's it, that's enough for her to let her frustrations burst and fall all over me. I just can't hang myself when I know she'll be alone for days she wouldn't even know what to do. and my boyfriend… my dearest, he's done so much for me, to keep a smile on my face when I couldn't for a whole year of the worst of my life, reflecting and maturing and growing as a person I owe that much to him, I just wish he was here so he could come and I could go to his place and just get out of my house for a little while. I love him so much and getting to see him seems enough of a reason to endure these things often, but I keep losing track of that, I don't want to keep living like this so I'd rather not live at all, all of my life has just been a desperate attempt to find somewhere to belong, all while losing things I valued. I only own one plushie that reminds me of my childhood and a bunch of digital pictures of it, but I don't have memories anywhere still, no hometown, no childhood best friend, no school I cherish or remember. I've grown into someone ambitious and charismatic and I don't have trouble fitting in wherever we move, but right now I… just feel so limited, again.
I had learned to make the best of what I have, I've made friendships here and gone out and enjoyed just a piece of the teenage life I deserve to have as any girl my age, but when my dad leaves, it's like none of it exists.
It reminds me of all I've done and all I regret, the amounts of money I've spend in things I shouldn't have through these years just because I can't afford to think of my family suffering while I have some kind of solution in my hands…
I've also been paranoid about my chronic illness, I haven't had a proper checkup in… more than a year, last time I had cysts that could've evolved into cancerous tumors, I don't want to imagine finally pulling myself out of this well of a life and being met with news like that, I feel like it's just not worth any more of my tears and effort. I just want it to end so so badly and I feel so guilty again. I just don't want to live anymore, my life has never proved itself to be anything else but horrible, sadistic torture of not quite being at rock bottom and getting my hopes up often and no mater how hard I fucking try I never, ever, get out of this hole. I might never do. I'll never get the normal, the average life. Yes, I know life has good and bad times, but to be fair, I don't think I've ever experienced that, I think I don't actually know what good and bad times are… I've never had any smooth sailing, any normality or stability. And my will to survive and prove myself wrong is fading.
but I don't want to condemn myself like this! I really don't want to! I want to live on and I want to be happy! I don't want for me to fade away and waste myself…
It's so sad to read, all of this… is there anyone that can empathize with me? or is there anyone who feels this way too?
I can't even begin to list all the reasons that just make me seriously want to lock myself in my room and hang myself in the closet for no one to find.
every time my d4d leaves t0wn (which is often, don't get me wrong but he has a lot d3bts and is trying really hard to fix everything but he leaves us to fend for ourselves so often) the l4ndlord or maybe even someone else who says to be messes with me and my sister and cuts our services even though they've been paid, I can't step foot outside out of fear not going to lie to you, anyway we're running out of food but I have to work hard for my sister, if it weren't for her though, I probably would've let myself starve already. And even then, she assumes a role in which she cooks and idk I guess she gets entitlement to treat me badly from that then keeps on cooking out of guilt, we've talked about this, and I try really hard to keep the house clean and do my part, but the cleaning is a lot more energy consuming and she never does it, like ever, neither does my dad, I always end up cleaning alone and on my own and it's just so tiring when I already work for money, I can't split the chores with her because she's seriously so mean to me, I can't handle arguing with her and it never leads anywhere.
not to mention this goes atop alllll the context I've given through my vents in my profile, my familial issues, my chronic illness, debt, poor hygiene because I don't own a washing machine and can't afford dish soap or detergent at times, having barely any food, all this while living in a super nice place because when we first got here things were really fine. sorry if I'm barely making any sense, I'm trying to stay coherent and not just blurt it all out, but in summary I just feel like all I've been working hard for against myself just doesn't matter, all it takes is for my dad to leave and us have no money to dig back in this hole of suffering and overthinking, without mentioning my sister keeps throwing rocks at me while I dig. I really don't know what I did for her to treat me so bad, I think she thinks of me of a lazy ass because I don't know how to cook and she feels responsible of me (she's my older sister), but that's it, that's enough for her to let her frustrations burst and fall all over me. I just can't hang myself when I know she'll be alone for days she wouldn't even know what to do. and my boyfriend… my dearest, he's done so much for me, to keep a smile on my face when I couldn't for a whole year of the worst of my life, reflecting and maturing and growing as a person I owe that much to him, I just wish he was here so he could come and I could go to his place and just get out of my house for a little while. I love him so much and getting to see him seems enough of a reason to endure these things often, but I keep losing track of that, I don't want to keep living like this so I'd rather not live at all, all of my life has just been a desperate attempt to find somewhere to belong, all while losing things I valued. I only own one plushie that reminds me of my childhood and a bunch of digital pictures of it, but I don't have memories anywhere still, no hometown, no childhood best friend, no school I cherish or remember. I've grown into someone ambitious and charismatic and I don't have trouble fitting in wherever we move, but right now I… just feel so limited, again.
I had learned to make the best of what I have, I've made friendships here and gone out and enjoyed just a piece of the teenage life I deserve to have as any girl my age, but when my dad leaves, it's like none of it exists.
It reminds me of all I've done and all I regret, the amounts of money I've spend in things I shouldn't have through these years just because I can't afford to think of my family suffering while I have some kind of solution in my hands…
I've also been paranoid about my chronic illness, I haven't had a proper checkup in… more than a year, last time I had cysts that could've evolved into cancerous tumors, I don't want to imagine finally pulling myself out of this well of a life and being met with news like that, I feel like it's just not worth any more of my tears and effort. I just want it to end so so badly and I feel so guilty again. I just don't want to live anymore, my life has never proved itself to be anything else but horrible, sadistic torture of not quite being at rock bottom and getting my hopes up often and no mater how hard I fucking try I never, ever, get out of this hole. I might never do. I'll never get the normal, the average life. Yes, I know life has good and bad times, but to be fair, I don't think I've ever experienced that, I think I don't actually know what good and bad times are… I've never had any smooth sailing, any normality or stability. And my will to survive and prove myself wrong is fading.
but I don't want to condemn myself like this! I really don't want to! I want to live on and I want to be happy! I don't want for me to fade away and waste myself…
It's so sad to read, all of this… is there anyone that can empathize with me? or is there anyone who feels this way too?
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