cylus46
Student
- Jan 28, 2025
- 107
My whole life i fought
It started when a bully nearly choked me to death and my mom hit me and told me to man up when i was around 7 or 8- she put me in karate and I began sparring and learning to fight, I remember not liking violence or fighting but Since that moment I fought bullies and my peers sometimes for no reason. Its calmed when I turned a teenager and I stopped fighting in schools or the streets- sticking to mma and boxing to let it out.
Im 21 now and my mental state is in ruin yet in my heart im a kind person, I care for others, i feel empathy, i put others before myself and i know what it feels to care and love for people and some animals (like my pets or stray cats) but because of these two stark contrasting emotions what's that led to with my trauma and all that other stuff is me being a very kind man whos one wrong push away from violently hurting someone who *DESERVES* it. I preference that because I can NEVER imagine myself hurting someone innocent. Thats bitch behavior and I HATE when I see mentally ill mfs take their self hatred out on groups of people, fuck those "people" hell tbh they're sub human in my eyes.
Although i wont hurt someone who dosent deserve it I notice myself...walking on my campus just ready...waiting for someone to press me the wrong way, hurt me, say something about me or my girl, threaten me, Hell look at me with a nasty look...just looking for any reason to feel pain and dish it out. When I have really bad days I twitch and stim, feeling like a bomb thats about to blow but only to a bad person.
Does anyone else here struggle with being kind but also have this violent rage that you just feel like you need to let out? If so what's your story.
It started when a bully nearly choked me to death and my mom hit me and told me to man up when i was around 7 or 8- she put me in karate and I began sparring and learning to fight, I remember not liking violence or fighting but Since that moment I fought bullies and my peers sometimes for no reason. Its calmed when I turned a teenager and I stopped fighting in schools or the streets- sticking to mma and boxing to let it out.
Im 21 now and my mental state is in ruin yet in my heart im a kind person, I care for others, i feel empathy, i put others before myself and i know what it feels to care and love for people and some animals (like my pets or stray cats) but because of these two stark contrasting emotions what's that led to with my trauma and all that other stuff is me being a very kind man whos one wrong push away from violently hurting someone who *DESERVES* it. I preference that because I can NEVER imagine myself hurting someone innocent. Thats bitch behavior and I HATE when I see mentally ill mfs take their self hatred out on groups of people, fuck those "people" hell tbh they're sub human in my eyes.
Although i wont hurt someone who dosent deserve it I notice myself...walking on my campus just ready...waiting for someone to press me the wrong way, hurt me, say something about me or my girl, threaten me, Hell look at me with a nasty look...just looking for any reason to feel pain and dish it out. When I have really bad days I twitch and stim, feeling like a bomb thats about to blow but only to a bad person.
Does anyone else here struggle with being kind but also have this violent rage that you just feel like you need to let out? If so what's your story.
