Venting Just some thoughts

[вечный сон]

I hate it when i go into a store and i see someone i know, it doesn't even have to be someone close to me. I don't have no friends, so that hasn't happend for years anyways. It's more like cashiers or people that work there that kinda get to know me. I can't stand the Look in there eyes sometimes, that's saying: "oh, not this wierdo again". I always go to a cashier that doesn't know me yet. Actually, i only go to stores that have self check out These days. But since Gas stations usually don't have self check out where i don't have to interact with anyone, i am forced to go to a cashier. I've been to 20 different Gas stations, so i always get a new cashier. It's getting really time consulting. This really sounds like typical social anxiety behavior, and it is, but what i suffer with the most and what's the thing people think i'm weird for, is my facial expression. I've been suicidal for years now and putting a smile on my face to be polite is literally impossible. My depressed face is apparently becoming worse because i notice people Look at me like they see some Monster or some shit. As soon as i come into a store where i have to interact with someone i can feel my face getting all weird and my eyes have this heavy feeling. It's so emberassing and people obviously see that. When i leave the situation the feeling is mostly gone again. Somethings very wrong with me and idk what is going on. I am sorry for anyone that has to interact with me in any way. Just know that i can't control it. I work a full time job where people know me and see me everyday, i guess you can imagine how stressfull that is for me, since i can't switch Jobs like cashiers, even tho i kinda tried by trying 20 different Jobs after a month of working. Most coworkers just avoid me or treat me like i offended them. I always try to be polite, but my face is ruining everything. They all hate me and they're right. I'd hate me too and think i'm weird and i would avoid my ass. What ever i have become, it's very bad.

 

[darksouls]

society treated me like a subhuman, that is why I do not care what that vile scum thinks of me, I can only feel disgust for society

 

[Pluto]