rotthjärta
Member
- Apr 24, 2026
- 43
Some weird personal vent. Blah Blah grammar.
I have never had meaningful or long friendships, relationships and my relations with family members was never so great.
Am I truly anyone if no one knows me? Every second I spent in my mind, years and years of this so called pondering and I hold nothing. If I could assure you of something it would be that nobody knows me. I have nothing to give, even If I thought I had anything I wouldn't want to hand it over because I spent so much of my time building an immense hatred for anyone around me, a strong dislike for what human beings are. Was I ever even alive?
I feel, I feel the heaviness of having to drag my own body, I've felt the heaviness of picking up my own limbs with everything I have ever done or ever said. I even slur when I speak. My greatest accomplishment is to have carried this corpse around for so long. To say that over the course of my entire life the hardest points were when I had to get up, when I had to talk little words, those where I had to simply be in the moment in order to not appear so dead. Im left asking myself why am I even alive?
The miserable part is that I've been labeled abusive by those who have been close to me, those who did not see that side of me would likely label me as just a shell of a man. I felt tolerated because I've had those tell me that I appear away, not present in moments, that It's almost as I look through them and not at them. As much as I have had people mention that I seem depressed, distant, and just emotionless, I have never had anyone ask me why. Those close to me have tolerated me through my emotional wreck with all the energy that I tell you I lack somehow I find the occasional crash of anger to tell those close to me to kill themselves. I've found the energy to cause hours of long screaming at them insults. I found the energy to build a stressful environment to those who cared about me to which eventually they leave. So what am I, I could say im nothing, that I am nobody. That I bring nothing to the table but I do bring something and all I have brought is misery to people who tried. What frustrates me more is when you attempt to voice to others you don't want help, that there is no fixing to be done and that this is who I am, even then these people waste their time trying to fix you. They cry to you that they feel stressed, that they cannot keep going anymore. I never asked you to. In fact I've told you all the opposite.
I've rotted everyday of my life. Im far gone not because I can't catch up with time but because I allow it to fly by. I lay to rest everyday, with every step taken it is done with pure dejectedness. I have to be called to come out of my shell. I want to die. I feel a feeling of finality. Am I not what you find in a coffin?
I have never had meaningful or long friendships, relationships and my relations with family members was never so great.
Am I truly anyone if no one knows me? Every second I spent in my mind, years and years of this so called pondering and I hold nothing. If I could assure you of something it would be that nobody knows me. I have nothing to give, even If I thought I had anything I wouldn't want to hand it over because I spent so much of my time building an immense hatred for anyone around me, a strong dislike for what human beings are. Was I ever even alive?
I feel, I feel the heaviness of having to drag my own body, I've felt the heaviness of picking up my own limbs with everything I have ever done or ever said. I even slur when I speak. My greatest accomplishment is to have carried this corpse around for so long. To say that over the course of my entire life the hardest points were when I had to get up, when I had to talk little words, those where I had to simply be in the moment in order to not appear so dead. Im left asking myself why am I even alive?
The miserable part is that I've been labeled abusive by those who have been close to me, those who did not see that side of me would likely label me as just a shell of a man. I felt tolerated because I've had those tell me that I appear away, not present in moments, that It's almost as I look through them and not at them. As much as I have had people mention that I seem depressed, distant, and just emotionless, I have never had anyone ask me why. Those close to me have tolerated me through my emotional wreck with all the energy that I tell you I lack somehow I find the occasional crash of anger to tell those close to me to kill themselves. I've found the energy to cause hours of long screaming at them insults. I found the energy to build a stressful environment to those who cared about me to which eventually they leave. So what am I, I could say im nothing, that I am nobody. That I bring nothing to the table but I do bring something and all I have brought is misery to people who tried. What frustrates me more is when you attempt to voice to others you don't want help, that there is no fixing to be done and that this is who I am, even then these people waste their time trying to fix you. They cry to you that they feel stressed, that they cannot keep going anymore. I never asked you to. In fact I've told you all the opposite.
I've rotted everyday of my life. Im far gone not because I can't catch up with time but because I allow it to fly by. I lay to rest everyday, with every step taken it is done with pure dejectedness. I have to be called to come out of my shell. I want to die. I feel a feeling of finality. Am I not what you find in a coffin?
