Venting Just some thoughts

[Doctors HATE them]

I recently went down on my anti depressants because they made me numb, now I feel everything way too much and even trying to do homework makes me wanna ctb. I just don't think all people are cut out to be alive and that I'm one of those people. I wanna drop out of college, but then I'd have to get a job and the thought of that makes me wanna ctb too. I just don't see a path where I can be happy. I've been depressed since childhood and that's not gonna change.
I might have to give up on my vet N method and switch to SN. That would entail moving out though and being alone scares me. With that said, my grandma is getting more and more dementia by the day and she's becoming more and more annoying and negative. Maybe I really will move out just to get away from her. I hope my family forgives me, but at the same time if they don't then that's their problem. I'm doing what I have to.
I don't have access to antiemetic's though so idk what to do. And lying to a doctor is too scary and risky so it's out of the question.

 

[SilentSadness]

Antidepressants sure are useless, and it's understandable not to want to lie to a doctor either in case they get suspicious. I have felt depressed for a long time as well and once all the options have been exhausted it's difficult to see how it can improve as all there is here is sadness and cruelty. Work is also fatigue-inducing and only increases the desire to ctb. My family would never even try to understand because they don't relate to my suffering and we are all innately selfish. Life is certainly a pain and I wish I could leave as soon as possible. I hope that you can find some peace.

 

[FuneralCry]

I agree that not all people are meant for this world, that's the way that I've always felt. I could never want anything to do with existence anyway, as I could never wish to suffer. Those who are able to access N are so incredibly fortunate.

 

[Caoine01]

I wanna drop out of college, but then I'd have to get a job and the thought of that makes me wanna ctb too

Do you want CTB because you want to drop out of college, or because you need to go to work then?

 

[Doctors HATE them]

Do you want CTB because you want to drop out of college, or because you need to go to work then?

Work and college both make me wanna ctb