_Broken_alice
She/Her
- Nov 19, 2023
- 226
Here is to hoping it gets here soon-ish and without complications. So few sources now thanks to pro-life lunatics. We honestly hope to never need to use it, but it will be peace of mind knowing that if things don't work out in the next few months, we will have a reliable way to put an end to our misery. Already have enough anti-emetics left over from an ER visit a while back for kidney stones that had us puking and in the floor semi-delirious from pain. (And we have a very high pain tolerance.)
Our life has been one series of torment after another.
Our bio-mother abused and drugged us as an infant as she didn't want to be a fucking parent. (She should have thought about that before she dug a condom out of the trash to impregnate herself, fucking bitch.)
She would scream that she didn't want us so much we told family at like 4-5yo that she didn't need us anymore after our sister was born. She wanted a girl. Little did she know at the time she HAD a girl.
We remember her cheating on our bio-father in vivid detail just a few years after that. We remember her disposing of and hiding everything we had at the time. We remember a babysitter being hired to keep us in one room and quiet. We remember calling our bio-father while he was deployed and how obvious it was he did NOT want to talk to us at all.
We dealt with physical, and psychological abuse from every partner our bio-father ever had that we can remember. We have about a decade long period of our life we remember almost nothing.
At some point when we were maybe 7yo, we were sent to a mental hospital for eval. Honestly, the best 2 weeks or so of our life. It was the only time we felt safe and cared for in an environment that didn't trigger our many issues.
Past that, we were passed along to whatever family would take us on for a while as we could not get along with the woman that physically and psychologically abused us on a near daily basis for YEARS while he somehow never noticed.
We dealt with our grandmother's abusive alcoholic husbands while having to repress who we really are as we very much knew we were a girl and wanted to die in like 2nd grade hoping the next roll would get it right.
Back to living with bio-father for a while after that... Had zero privacy for ~6 years while living with 6 other people ("family") in very cramped situations we wanted NOTHING to do with.
We picked up cutting ourselves as a coping mechanism. When that was discovered, it was handled very poorly and spun around as "what would happen to my not-yet-started career if people found out." We were also told right after that we were born intersex and had that choice taken from us too. This was shortly after catching hell for affirming clothes we had being discovered again. We repressed our true self for nearly a decade as a result.
We started useless therapy and cycled many useless anti-depressants. All while his wife made it a point to bitch about how much of a waste of her time it was and made it a point to bitch about the ~$20/mn copays on our meds EVERY time they had to be filled. She would even bitch about the part that medicare covered at the time.
We dealt with a lot of abuse from our bio-father, mostly as a result of our AuD/HD although he would never admit it. (Constantly being berated for being lazy, not focused, not following verbal directions, etc.)
At one point, we were put in a choke hold just trying to walk past him while he was on prescription opiates. That broke what little trust we still had left with him.
Weeks later were sexually assaulted at 16yo and made a poorly planned but serious CTB attempt the same night. (Overdose on diphenhydramine we had horded combined with alcohol) That was hell.
We asked to be voluntarily commited to get off the meds we were on as they were making our suicidal urges so much worse as well as amplifying our depression. That psych stay was hell. It was clear the hospital only cared about what was billable unlike our first stay during early childhood..
We then dealt with more psychological abuse from our bio-father's current wife for a few years.
We moved out with no notice to go live with the very person that sexually assaulted us as it was a way out of a deteriorating home situation. We lived there for nearly 3 years.
We seriously injured our back working at a shitty grocery retail job that didn't even pay poverty wages. Our bio-father's wife started spreading rumors among her family (a lot of whom worked for the same company) that we were faking it because we didn't want to work... Like hell we didn't. We had a plan to get our life on track and the means to do it. We were spending 20+ hours a day in bed in agony just wanting to die to put an end to it. We became passively suicidal again at this point.
At some point, we met our now ex-wife and gave life another chance. We eventually went out of our way to get a diagnoses for our AuD/HD so we could work on at least treating the AD-HD. We also started our transition after hitting a point of breaking down uncontrollably crying every single night and throughout the day. It was either transition or die. Our ex 'supported' our transition... With BS conditions ofc... Then earlier this year, right as we were trying our best to make things better, out of nowhere and with encouragement from a mentally unstable AF friend of hers, she decided she wanted a divorce after the ONLY argument we ever had in our 5 1/2 years together. (can't even remember what it was about, it was that insignificant. We wanted ONE day to let things settle before discussing whatever it was. When the next day came and we were ready to talk, she dismissed it and then backtracked the next day like we were ignoring her needs.)
She decided that instead of telling us while she was out of state, that she would come home and sleep next to us in the bed we shared for our time together just to drop the news the following morning. We were concerned for her making it back safely from a long drive and had spent time on the phone with her to keep her awake. She hung up with no notice and shut her phone off during that. She decided over the course of 3 days to go from discussing long term plans and buying us a collar as we had wanted one for a while, to deciding she no longer wished to be with us and there was nothing that could change that. We lost all but one friend in an instant as they were all mutaul friends and chose her. (whatever tbh, none of them were really our friends anyway, just hers and we were baggage to them)
What hurt the most is knowing we will never get to see our precious Kitty/daughter ever again. We instantly bonded with each other at the shelter. She instantly relaxed in our arms and proceeded to sleep for ~40 minutes while stuff was done to finalize the adoption. She would wait for us every morning at 2-3 am for us to get out of bed to get water and give her the attention she very much deserved. We miss her more than our ex by far.
Almost all of our family wants nothing to do with the real us. They only care to remember the miserable lie. Our fairly well off bio-father refused to help us "because we were not completely out of money yet". We don't expect he would help if we were. Instead his arranged-marriage-of-convenience wife will waste all of the money he makes on the dumbest things. He even told us he had to give up his retirement plans because of her and her runs a business with a net income exceeding 200k/yr. But no, he won't help us. We ended up disowning him after that. Fuck him tbh. Oh, he also KNEW for 20+ years that we had ADHD. He CHOSE to never tell us and never let anything be done to manage it. We only found out after we told him about our independant diagnosis after the divorce. (which was not cheap at all)
Now, we are back in a state we never wished to go back to (our birth state with one of the worst poverty rates in the nation and absolutely zero trans protections. Oh, and one of the most corrupt police forces in the entire US. Literally the entire state police force is being sued right now for putting cameras in bathrooms at a youth event they hosted. Oh, and we started cutting again so much worse than before just to cope with the feelings some. At least that is something about our shitty life we can control and it calms things down internally for a few hours to a day.
We have been denied disability. We have had our first appeal rejected and our attorney withdrew from our case as the next appeal is complicated at best. We have no income or chance of changing that as we are and are living off what little remains of the pathetic amount of money we got from the divorce. She kept most of what we had together. We can't physically be with our new partners and the loneliness has broken what was left of us.
We now have ~5 months worth of funds left to live if things don't work out. If they don't, CTB via SN it is for us. We hate that we will hurt our chosen-mom and our partners so much, but this pain has been unbearable for a long time now. We will not be homeless and would rather take the final exit on our own terms rather than get to the point we have absolutely nothing left. We've had a date set for the last 3-4 months now although it may get pushed back some in the hopes we can get out of here and be with our partners.
Life has been fucking miserable. We have been dead inside for most of it already. Perhaps soon enough, we will hurt no more. The next 2-5 months will decide that. At least if we get our SN, we can have peace in knowing we can be done with this shitty world and all of our suffering at a moment of our choosing.
Sorry this became so long. This is a summary of our life and the events that have led us to where we are now. We hope future society sees things such as this and feels the shame of how badly current society has failed everyone that needed help and could have been saved by being given a meaningful chance at life with the care we needed but were denied.
Our life has been one series of torment after another.
Our bio-mother abused and drugged us as an infant as she didn't want to be a fucking parent. (She should have thought about that before she dug a condom out of the trash to impregnate herself, fucking bitch.)
She would scream that she didn't want us so much we told family at like 4-5yo that she didn't need us anymore after our sister was born. She wanted a girl. Little did she know at the time she HAD a girl.
We remember her cheating on our bio-father in vivid detail just a few years after that. We remember her disposing of and hiding everything we had at the time. We remember a babysitter being hired to keep us in one room and quiet. We remember calling our bio-father while he was deployed and how obvious it was he did NOT want to talk to us at all.
We dealt with physical, and psychological abuse from every partner our bio-father ever had that we can remember. We have about a decade long period of our life we remember almost nothing.
At some point when we were maybe 7yo, we were sent to a mental hospital for eval. Honestly, the best 2 weeks or so of our life. It was the only time we felt safe and cared for in an environment that didn't trigger our many issues.
Past that, we were passed along to whatever family would take us on for a while as we could not get along with the woman that physically and psychologically abused us on a near daily basis for YEARS while he somehow never noticed.
We dealt with our grandmother's abusive alcoholic husbands while having to repress who we really are as we very much knew we were a girl and wanted to die in like 2nd grade hoping the next roll would get it right.
Back to living with bio-father for a while after that... Had zero privacy for ~6 years while living with 6 other people ("family") in very cramped situations we wanted NOTHING to do with.
We picked up cutting ourselves as a coping mechanism. When that was discovered, it was handled very poorly and spun around as "what would happen to my not-yet-started career if people found out." We were also told right after that we were born intersex and had that choice taken from us too. This was shortly after catching hell for affirming clothes we had being discovered again. We repressed our true self for nearly a decade as a result.
We started useless therapy and cycled many useless anti-depressants. All while his wife made it a point to bitch about how much of a waste of her time it was and made it a point to bitch about the ~$20/mn copays on our meds EVERY time they had to be filled. She would even bitch about the part that medicare covered at the time.
We dealt with a lot of abuse from our bio-father, mostly as a result of our AuD/HD although he would never admit it. (Constantly being berated for being lazy, not focused, not following verbal directions, etc.)
At one point, we were put in a choke hold just trying to walk past him while he was on prescription opiates. That broke what little trust we still had left with him.
Weeks later were sexually assaulted at 16yo and made a poorly planned but serious CTB attempt the same night. (Overdose on diphenhydramine we had horded combined with alcohol) That was hell.
We asked to be voluntarily commited to get off the meds we were on as they were making our suicidal urges so much worse as well as amplifying our depression. That psych stay was hell. It was clear the hospital only cared about what was billable unlike our first stay during early childhood..
We then dealt with more psychological abuse from our bio-father's current wife for a few years.
We moved out with no notice to go live with the very person that sexually assaulted us as it was a way out of a deteriorating home situation. We lived there for nearly 3 years.
We seriously injured our back working at a shitty grocery retail job that didn't even pay poverty wages. Our bio-father's wife started spreading rumors among her family (a lot of whom worked for the same company) that we were faking it because we didn't want to work... Like hell we didn't. We had a plan to get our life on track and the means to do it. We were spending 20+ hours a day in bed in agony just wanting to die to put an end to it. We became passively suicidal again at this point.
At some point, we met our now ex-wife and gave life another chance. We eventually went out of our way to get a diagnoses for our AuD/HD so we could work on at least treating the AD-HD. We also started our transition after hitting a point of breaking down uncontrollably crying every single night and throughout the day. It was either transition or die. Our ex 'supported' our transition... With BS conditions ofc... Then earlier this year, right as we were trying our best to make things better, out of nowhere and with encouragement from a mentally unstable AF friend of hers, she decided she wanted a divorce after the ONLY argument we ever had in our 5 1/2 years together. (can't even remember what it was about, it was that insignificant. We wanted ONE day to let things settle before discussing whatever it was. When the next day came and we were ready to talk, she dismissed it and then backtracked the next day like we were ignoring her needs.)
She decided that instead of telling us while she was out of state, that she would come home and sleep next to us in the bed we shared for our time together just to drop the news the following morning. We were concerned for her making it back safely from a long drive and had spent time on the phone with her to keep her awake. She hung up with no notice and shut her phone off during that. She decided over the course of 3 days to go from discussing long term plans and buying us a collar as we had wanted one for a while, to deciding she no longer wished to be with us and there was nothing that could change that. We lost all but one friend in an instant as they were all mutaul friends and chose her. (whatever tbh, none of them were really our friends anyway, just hers and we were baggage to them)
What hurt the most is knowing we will never get to see our precious Kitty/daughter ever again. We instantly bonded with each other at the shelter. She instantly relaxed in our arms and proceeded to sleep for ~40 minutes while stuff was done to finalize the adoption. She would wait for us every morning at 2-3 am for us to get out of bed to get water and give her the attention she very much deserved. We miss her more than our ex by far.
Almost all of our family wants nothing to do with the real us. They only care to remember the miserable lie. Our fairly well off bio-father refused to help us "because we were not completely out of money yet". We don't expect he would help if we were. Instead his arranged-marriage-of-convenience wife will waste all of the money he makes on the dumbest things. He even told us he had to give up his retirement plans because of her and her runs a business with a net income exceeding 200k/yr. But no, he won't help us. We ended up disowning him after that. Fuck him tbh. Oh, he also KNEW for 20+ years that we had ADHD. He CHOSE to never tell us and never let anything be done to manage it. We only found out after we told him about our independant diagnosis after the divorce. (which was not cheap at all)
Now, we are back in a state we never wished to go back to (our birth state with one of the worst poverty rates in the nation and absolutely zero trans protections. Oh, and one of the most corrupt police forces in the entire US. Literally the entire state police force is being sued right now for putting cameras in bathrooms at a youth event they hosted. Oh, and we started cutting again so much worse than before just to cope with the feelings some. At least that is something about our shitty life we can control and it calms things down internally for a few hours to a day.
We have been denied disability. We have had our first appeal rejected and our attorney withdrew from our case as the next appeal is complicated at best. We have no income or chance of changing that as we are and are living off what little remains of the pathetic amount of money we got from the divorce. She kept most of what we had together. We can't physically be with our new partners and the loneliness has broken what was left of us.
We now have ~5 months worth of funds left to live if things don't work out. If they don't, CTB via SN it is for us. We hate that we will hurt our chosen-mom and our partners so much, but this pain has been unbearable for a long time now. We will not be homeless and would rather take the final exit on our own terms rather than get to the point we have absolutely nothing left. We've had a date set for the last 3-4 months now although it may get pushed back some in the hopes we can get out of here and be with our partners.
Life has been fucking miserable. We have been dead inside for most of it already. Perhaps soon enough, we will hurt no more. The next 2-5 months will decide that. At least if we get our SN, we can have peace in knowing we can be done with this shitty world and all of our suffering at a moment of our choosing.
Sorry this became so long. This is a summary of our life and the events that have led us to where we are now. We hope future society sees things such as this and feels the shame of how badly current society has failed everyone that needed help and could have been saved by being given a meaningful chance at life with the care we needed but were denied.
