I saved my CTB partner but I can't save myself

[Sarros]

It's been awhile since I've visited the site, maybe a year or two. The last time was to find a partner in the megathread. It took awhile to get someone I was able to keep in constant communication with. The last time I reached out I thought to myself, 'this is the last time'. If I didn't find anyone this time, I would just suck it up and do it on my own.

To be absolutely transparent, we both 100% met on the basis that at some point, this person and I would come to an arrangment that we could be there for the other person in the event of our suicide in some physical capacity. Whether that be we take our own life ourselves or we take our own life together.

As we started getting to know each other to get comfortable with the idea, we talked a lot about what it meant for us and why we wanted it. She was in a particularly dark part of her life and I wanted to make sure she was in the correct headspace to make as rational of a decision as they could regarding suicide.

Months passed and their outlook on life improved. We would talk infrequently about relationships, dating, life and suicide. She mostly talked about the men in her life and experiences with meeting men online. We planned to meet sometime in April or March? earlier this year just as friends to spend some time together.

A week before the trip she tells me that she met two men online that wanted to fly her out and had interest being her boyfriend. She cancelled our trip. I continued to support her and told her to be careful even though it devastated me. She told me that she would be forever grateful that I saved her life.

I check up on her to make sure shes safe and shes been complaining about their struggles communicating with the two guys and how its much easier to talk to me. Months later she tells me shes been crying about how they wanted sex and that was the reason they wanted her there in the first place. A week after that she tells me everything is fine and they're 'together' now.

I don't believe this relationship will last but its none of my business. I had no interest in her romantically but it hurts. I feel as though I gave her a part of myself that I can't get back now. The part that said, 'I'll be there for you when you want to leave.' I think, an interest in the well-being of your partner is antithetical to whole idea. It sounds obvious now that I've said it out loud. But in general, I want other, good people, to live happy and healthy lives if they have the capacity.

Maybe I was, truly, meant to die alone.

 

[jazzcat621]

I guess what's most important, especially if you don't think things will last, would be to be there when things turn south again. Sometimes life has this habit of giving people false senses of hope, which people just cling to until it's ripped away from them. The decision making process for CTB should be very lengthy, and sometimes isn't quite straight forward. It's good on you to have supported her regardless of her choice. And maybe if this really is it for her, there's always someone else looking for a partner to CTB with.

 

[EmptyBottle]

oh no.. I'm not sure if it was her replying on the account, or if she was being watched as she sent those messages, I fear that 'relationship' with the 2 men can become a dangerous one. (I find it hard to believe one can change their mind on things like that)

A video call can potentially confirm she is ok.

As for you, I hope for conditions to improve to reasonable or better levels, so death wishes become rarer. For me, I still get occasional death wishes tho.

 

[enjoytheride]

What you did is very noble. You provided support and continued despite feeling kind of sidelined. It's great that you stood your ground and I think that speaks volumes about your character. So I would draw on that to show myself some kindness and see my own value with more clarity. As to saving yourself, I recon the same logic and approach you used to help her can be used by you to help you.

Perhaps some of the advice you gave her is a valid advice in general. I often find myself being too self-critical, then I remember that if I can be a friend to others, I should be a friend to myself too.

 

[bankai]

Brother, you gave a lot. Sometimes you don't get as much as you give. And that's OK. Especially on a site like this where, some people are dealing with worse than what we deal with ourselves?If that makes sense.

 

[SadGirl]

It's been awhile since I've visited the site, maybe a year or two. The last time was to find a partner in the megathread. It took awhile to get someone I was able to keep in constant communication with. The last time I reached out I thought to myself, 'this is the last time'. If I didn't find anyone this time, I would just suck it up and do it on my own.

To be absolutely transparent, we both 100% met on the basis that at some point, this person and I would come to an arrangment that we could be there for the other person in the event of our suicide in some physical capacity. Whether that be we take our own life ourselves or we take our own life together.

As we started getting to know each other to get comfortable with the idea, we talked a lot about what it meant for us and why we wanted it. She was in a particularly dark part of her life and I wanted to make sure she was in the correct headspace to make as rational of a decision as they could regarding suicide.

Months passed and their outlook on life improved. We would talk infrequently about relationships, dating, life and suicide. She mostly talked about the men in her life and experiences with meeting men online. We planned to meet sometime in April or March? earlier this year just as friends to spend some time together.

A week before the trip she tells me that she met two men online that wanted to fly her out and had interest being her boyfriend. She cancelled our trip. I continued to support her and told her to be careful even though it devastated me. She told me that she would be forever grateful that I saved her life.

I check up on her to make sure shes safe and shes been complaining about their struggles communicating with the two guys and how its much easier to talk to me. Months later she tells me shes been crying about how they wanted sex and that was the reason they wanted her there in the first place. A week after that she tells me everything is fine and they're 'together' now.

I don't believe this relationship will last but its none of my business. I had no interest in her romantically but it hurts. I feel as though I gave her a part of myself that I can't get back now. The part that said, 'I'll be there for you when you want to leave.' I think, an interest in the well-being of your partner is antithetical to whole idea. It sounds obvious now that I've said it out loud. But in general, I want other, good people, to live happy and healthy lives if they have the capacity.

Maybe I was, truly, meant to die alone.

You seem like a good person and a good friend. I think you did and said all the best for her. Unfortunately, no matter how much we talk and give advice, we're not responsible for other people's actions. So don't carry that burden. I know it's hard. I found a great friend here on the forum, and we're still great friends, especially since he's from my country. He always makes me give up on the CTB.

 

[looking4partner]

Tbh, this sounds similar to stories I've heard about people who end up getting s*x trafficked. (Not the very rare kidnapping a random person type that everyone thinks is going to happen to them & isn't really accurate.) What you described is exactly how it works. People either act like they want a relationship and are online dating or will rescue the woman/person from an abusive or life situation that they are desperate to get away from and offer to let them move in and live with them.

Then, once the person is living there, they can be coerced to do things they don't want to, physically beaten, drugged, forced into trafficking situations, and they are trapped living with those people whose plan was to take advantage of them all along and don't give a f**k about them and never did.

The traffickers also keep that person's money, so they can't use it to pay to escape and for travel/getting away. And they're the type of people that would also take someone's phone, pretend to be them, and text friends and family that they're doing fine and wanting to keep living there (even though they wouldn't say that if they were allowed to have their phone back and text privately or able to see their friends and family in person privately without the guys in the room to overhear what they're saying and were able to get to their friend or family member's car without the guys realizing since they could have weapons.)

I actually read a news article about a young woman who became homeless and this exact situation happened to her. Luckily, she was somehow able to speak to her Dad privately & run to her Dad's car in time. The only reason her Dad knew the address or area where she was had something to do with a car she was using that the trafficker's stole from her & were using getting a ticket that was mailed to her Dad's house. I will try to find the article if I can.

If I were you, I would actually report this if it's possible. (not the CTB stuff, but how you were friends and she suddenly didn't show up to visit you and moved in with strangers she met online who she seemed scared of & you think they could have taken her phone & are pretending to be her.)

 

[Wolf Girl]

I agree with other posters that this sounds like a very dangerous situation for her. I fear the next time you see her face may be on the news. The fact that she was willing to meet you and fly out with these random men shows how bad her mental state is. She is passively suicidal.