Venting Just a place for my thoughts

[Rainork]

Some of you may know of me (mostly due to an attempt earlier this year) but most probably won't.
Since my attempt I've been trying my hardest to recover, taking the help offered to me, exercising often, getting outside, eating healthily (you know, all those things that are meant to 'help')- but, surprise surprise (not), I'm still depressed and battling with my mind every day about continuing to live.

In all honesty I don't know if/when I'm going to ctb, at this current point I'm actively trying not to plan anything or let myself get caught up in my suicidal feelings- yet I still spent today thinking about how I'd do it 'if I decide I want to' and went and got myself a rope 'just in case'. It actually feels like in taking away the control of planning my own death has forced those suicidal needs into a more compulsive place that's becoming harder for me to keep control of with each passing day.

Whilst navigating whatever the fuck my brain's been doing since my attempt, I've often found myself wanting to write about my feelings somewhere but have always had a guilt about posting here, especially with creating new posts and feeling like I'm taking up space where I shouldn't be (I feel like that sounds silly- but trauma is a cunt and c-ptsd does weird things inside my brain).

So, after quite a lot of contemplation, I've decided to create myself a vent feed where I will write whatever's going on whenever I feel like I need to.

I already journal but often share that with a select few who are close to me and sometimes my therapist and there are some things I don't feel 'safe' to write in there because of the fear of repercussions should someone in my real life read it.

Sorry for the long intro here that, realistically, no one gives a shit about.
But yeah, from here will be whatever random shit I may write.
Sometimes it'll be poetic, sometimes it'll be drunken ramblings and, if nothing else, it may give people an insight to my journey should the day come that I do successfully ctb.

Feel free to also share any thoughts around things should anything I say resonate or bring up thoughts/feelings that you'd also like to share.

 

[bl33ding_heart]

I hope you continue to improve yourself and the suicidal thoughts eventually drift away completely. You don't deserve to suffer, and you don't deserve to be led to suicide. Much love, I'm wishing all the best for you.

 

[LostZombie]

Sorry for the long intro here that, realistically, no one gives a shit about.

Hey, we care about you on here even if no one else you know will. That's why we are here because we know others on here do care, and we do our best to help eachother figure out these fun little emotions.

It's good your getting these thoughts down so we can help you understand what they mean, and help you understand yourself better to make the best well educated descions.