Might write a diary for my last 6 months of life

[Salhalla]

I have less than 6 months left to live. I figure that since I wont be alive in 6 months I might as well write a diary/journal. When im already dead im not gonna care too much about if people read it. I want to write about all my toughts and ideas. How my childhood was like , my philosophy , my traumas , my opinions on various different things , maybe write a few short storys , essays , im gonna write about my flaws and my motivations to ctb and the also my strengths and the things that I would have been capable of accomplishing if things went a tiny bit differently. I wanna explain in depth how I really feel , how my brain actually functions and the contradictions and complexities of my life. I wanna talk about how I truly feel and what I really truly beleive in.

 

[hdead]

I have less than 6 months left to live. I figure that since I wont be alive in 6 months I might as well write a diary/journal. When im already dead im not gonna care too much about if people read it. I want to write about all my toughts and ideas. How my childhood was like , my philosophy , my traumas , my opinions on various different things , maybe write a few short storys , essays , im gonna write about my flaws and my motivations to ctb and the also my strengths and the things that I would have been capable of accomplishing if things went a tiny bit differently. I wanna explain in depth how I really feel , how my brain actually functions and the contradictions and complexities of my life. I wanna talk about how I truly feel and what I really truly beleive in.

A piece of paper and a pen is the only true understanding friend. I've written a lot, it helps to an extent to at least explain everything. It never helped me solve anything, though. If anything my writing caused me to sink deeper.

 

[Salhalla]

A piece of paper and a pen is the only true understanding friend. I've written a lot, it helps to an extent to at least explain everything. It never helped me solve anything, though. If anything my writing caused me to sink deeper.

I am excited but at the same time also kinda nervous to start because it could cause me to feel even more depressed in my last 6 months. I feel like since I am leaving this world with no achievments and no impact this would be my final attempt at leaving behind some sort of impact , since I consider myself to have lots of crazy ideas and groundbreaking views on everything and I think that I could have a massive influence on the few amount of people who would maybe read it after I die. But even if no one reads it I wouldnt care because I would be dead , nothing matters when your dead

 

[hdead]

I am excited but at the same time also kinda nervous to start because it could cause me to feel even more depressed in my last 6 months. I feel like since I am leaving this world with no achievments and no impact this would be my final attempt at leaving behind some sort of impact , since I consider myself to have lots of crazy ideas and groundbreaking views on everything and I think that I could have a massive influence on the few amount of people who would maybe read it after I die. But even if no one reads it I wouldnt care because I would be dead , nothing matters when your dead

I've thought about this too, and you're right. It's kind of tragic when you think about artists, writers and geniuses alike whose work only became known and appreciated after their deaths. Such is life I suppose.

I never wanted to leave a legacy but now I'm close to the brink I'm starting to care that at least I want to make amends and be remembered positively.

 

[Tyra]

I wouldn't do this cuz it kinda feels like a slap in the face to people who care.

It's like no one really cared about me when I was alive so why am I burdening them with some schizo writings that make it sound like what I have to say is even important in the first place?

I'm not a narcissist, I don't think what I have to say is important.

 

[ratsinmybrain]

This is what I've been doing. I always get so overwhelmed when I go to write a note because there's so much to say that I have trouble finding where to start. Leaving behind my journals instead feels way more insightful to my inner experience than what I could pull off in a one shot.

 

[Salhalla]

I wouldn't do this cuz it kinda feels like a slap in the face to people who care.

It's like no one really cared about me when I was alive so why am I burdening them with some schizo writings that make it sound like what I have to say is even important in the first place?

I'm not a narcissist like I don't think what I have to say is important.

I do not think I am doing this just for myself , I genuinely want to teach people things and change there views of the world and tell them the truth of how the world really is. I know I may sound kind of pretentious right now but when I look around at the world I dont see anyone who thinks like me. I want to maybe share the truth of my life , so that anyone who may stumble across my book can learn from it and be helped , and maybe not end up like me , and maybe what I write can have a positive impact on someones life and the way they think. As I said , it doesnt matter to me if my diary is thrown in the fire or if its read by like 1 million people. I will say , I think that I am highly intelligient. I dont feel dumb. But I hate myself. I hate myself because I am traumatized due to others and due to fear of doing what I really wanted to do. Maybe I am narcissistic I dont know but I feel like I am truly 1 of a kind , I am not your typical "normal" human. I know a lot of things that a lot of people dont know about , that a lot of people will never know about , and I feel like maybe for me to silently go without doing anything , would be such a waste for the world. Im not even 100% sure if I will write the journal/diary so I could be writing all this for nothing. For you to assume that what I write will be some schizo ass yapping from another double digit iq person who wants to feel important wouldnt be completely correct. Trust me I wish I didnt know so much , if I didnt know so much I could kill myself without feeling like I robbed the world of a future genius , but now because of the knowledge and wisdom I have acquired through deep thinking and researching in isolation I feel even worse about myself. Because I could have been great. But I feel as though I was born into a prison , and im not gonna waste anymore time hurting myself trying to punch a hole through this prison

 

[Tyra]

I do not think I am doing this just for myself , I genuinely want to teach people things and change there views of the world and tell them the truth of how the world really is. I know I may sound kind of pretentious right now but when I look around at the world I dont see anyone who thinks like me. I want to maybe share the truth of my life , so that anyone who may stumble across my book can learn from it and be helped , and maybe not end up like me , and maybe what I write can have a positive impact on someones life and the way they think. As I said , it doesnt matter to me if my diary is thrown in the fire or if its read by like 1 million people. I will say , I think that I am highly intelligient. I dont feel dumb. But I hate myself. I hate myself because I am traumatized due to others and due to fear of doing what I really wanted to do. Maybe I am narcissistic I dont know but I feel like I am truly 1 of a kind , I am not your typical "normal" human. I know a lot of things that a lot of people dont know about , that a lot of people will never know about , and I feel like maybe for me to silently go without doing anything , would be such a waste for the world. Im not even 100% sure if I will write the journal/diary so I could be writing all this for nothing. For you to assume that what I write will be some schizo ass yapping from another double digit iq person who wants to feel important wouldnt be completely correct. Trust me I wish I didnt know so much , if I didnt know so much I could kill myself without feeling like I robbed the world of a future genius , but now because of the knowledge and wisdom I have acquired through deep thinking in isolation feel even worse about myself. Because I could have been great. But I feel as though I was born into a prison , and im not gonna waste anymore time hurting myself trying to punch a hole through this prison

They will never understand. They are not like us. Different brain chemistry.