Story Journaling until I CTB

[Liwujin]

Official ctb date June 6.

Why I will CBT?

• It's a very long story but to summarize, I'm a coward and a prick who only now realized how much of a loser they are and instead of doing something about it, I just want to give up this fight.
• If I continue existing my life will be nothing but pain and a long string of mistakes that I will probably blame others for it.
• I'm doing a favor to the unfortunate people I would cross in the future that no longer is.

Why June 6?

• I have a brief week of vacation that begin on June 1st and end in the 7th. The week before I will be able to enjoy the last days with my friends, say my goodbyes and then focus on my family and in spending what I can with them.
• The last date will be 6-6-2026 which is cool, I guess

Method:

• Partial hanging: I will use a tie to practice this week and fix what isn't working on the setup
• Timing: I will do it through the night while everyone is asleep so around midnight and the early morning. It's a guaranteed death since no one will be there to help me if I regret it last second. It's all or nothing.

Problems still to solve:

• Who will find me?
  • Since the day afterwards will be a Sunday morning, my mom would wake up very late, around 10am. By then my corpse will probably be looking not so good and I don't want to traumatize my mom like that.
  • I will try to figure out a way someone else would find me, I don't want my mom to see me like that.

Extras:

• I am writing letters to everyone I love and know will be affected by my absence.
• I have already written for my brother, for my best friend but not to my mother. I don't even know what to write. What can I tell her? Explain the reasons? She would surely just tell me all the reasons why I shouldn't be feeling this way.

Thoughts:

• I never imagined ctb would be so complicated. It has made me very aware of how my existence affects other.

Any suggestions are accepted!

 

[coolcow1289]

Any public areas near you, like a forest? Might be a good place to sneak off to if you don't want family to find you (which I think is a good idea).

 

[Liwujin]

I don't want to do it outside, I want to be in my room because it's my childhood home. I have lived in the same place all my life and it's very special to me+the idea of going outside in the middle of the night would probably make me back out of the attempt which is the last thing I want to do that night.