imagonner
Student
- Aug 9, 2026
- 101
ive wanted to not be alive since forever. i was bullied by my sister when i was young, like as young as 6yrs old that i can remember, and my parents never intervened. my dad only cared about his work and never bothered with us. my mum was distant, not that she didnt love us and take care of us, but rather like she couldnt be bothered, like shed given up. my dad also had a short fuse and was verbally and financially abusive towards our mum, full on coercive behaviour. he was, and still is, a racist and misogynist pig.
so back to wanting to ctb, when my sister bullied me, i remember myself crying and wishing that id never been born. that no one cared for me and why did they have me? they already had 2 other kids, why did they want a 3rd one? i would refuse my lunch or dinner and go without (early form of self harm i suppose) and i would try to strangle myself.
when my brother and a teacher started to sa me, i had nowhere to turn to. i thought that they wouldnt believe me, i couldnt imagine facing police and telling them, and my dad would just lose it, as he always did with everything. so i just put up with it...i have now found out the teachers address and i plan to pay him a visit...my brother has the sun shining out his ass, always has...if only people knew...bullshit its not all men, no man is safe as far as im concerned...
and when my grandfather murdered/shot his daughter (my aunt), i only got no more than the basics. no one asked me how i was feeling, no one explained anything. it has always been like that in the family, both my parents...im like, "hello, what the af is going on, do we not live in the same house or something???"
when i left home to go to uni, things started unravelling. away from the controlling pig my dad was, i started acting up. i went over this with ai chat and it said that whilst at home, my nervous system kinda shut down and went into survival mode. "keep your head low and get through this unscathed" kinda thing. so when i left that environment and i felt safe, it all started to unravel...
id get very angry, and i would get really worked up, where i would start shaking and crying...it wasnt long before i started wondering the streets at night, which led to getting stopped by the police, which led to confrontational behaviour on my part, which led to arrests. multiple, frequent arrests.
before long i started self harming. i would stand in front of oncoming trains and jump aside as last second as i could dare. and then i started cutting myself and smoking cannabis.
as i was known to police and they stopped me frequently, i also started getting in trouble for being in possession of offensive weapons (knives, broken bottles, razor blades). yet i only got probation. no referrals to psychiatrist or anything. i had no clue what help was available and how to ask for it. and i also just put up a wall of defiance and rebellion. although the cannabis helped me sleep, it also made my depression 1000 times worse.
i ended up taking 2 full packets/boxes of paracetamol. i didnt know it wouldnt work, i was hoping id go to sleep and never wake up. it didnt work, i got taken to hospital and put on iv drip. when i got out 3-4 days later, i was a complete mess. i was crying constantly, all day, and really angry i wasnt dead.
when i managed to cut the vein in my arm, on the inside of the elbow, where they usually take blood for tests, and the blood flowed like youd turned the tap on, at first i thought i should call an ambulance. but then i thought that this is what i wanted. i didnt pass out, but the next day i felt nauteous af and i was unable to do any strenous exercise without passing out for quite a while. i also ate carrots like crazy, whilst shoving my head in the washing machine and smelling the rubber on its door. i also wanted to chew on bus tyres (pica is a hell of a bitch).
i continued cutting myself and the trouble with police also continued (they once followed me into a supermarket where i went for my weekly shop for a pnc check...), whilst at the same time trying to hold onto a job (unsuccessful). id get a job, stay a few months, hate it/get bored, leave it, look for something else. having to make excuses at work as to why i didnt turn up because i was locked up or had to go to court was also a major problem...
but then i decided to push my luck further and not turn up for court (in addition to not turning up for probation appointments)...and though the courts didnt particularly care for the public order offences, when i got arrested again for offensive weapon, the cps requested i was remanded. first time round, my solicitor was able to get me conditional bail, pending the presentence reports. but the second time round, i got remanded...that was such a delightful experience...not...
i tried to strangle myself with my shoelaces within half an hour of being placed in the general population wing, so i was placed in the segregation unit. kept trying to harm myself, the screws tried to stop me, there would be scuffles/fights. i ended up being locked up nearly all day, being let out only by myself.
after the 3-4 weeks were up and i was taken to court, i would have received a custodial sentence, but my solicitor agreed with the cps that if i moved away and back to my parents place, the cps wouldnt object to a community based sentence. little did the courts know that my family was fucked up and not the best place for me, but i had no choice. it was the less worse scenario, so to speak.
so when i was released, i moved back with my parents and after a couple months, i got a golden retriever puppy, bella. she was my saviour. i had a reason to wake up in the morning, to stay out of trouble. we did everything together, she was smart af...and we spent 14.5yrs together. i had my ups and downs, but she was my constant. when i got covid in 2019, when people were dropping like flies, my first thought was "whos going to take care of bella if i go into hospital?" because by then she had liver cancer. i had to have her put to sleep a couple months later, 24 dec 2021. i still cry when i think of her, i cry if a sad song comes on the radio when im driving. she was my 1-in-a million pet, the one that stays with you forever.
i did adopt another puppy, ariel, shortly before bella crossed the rainbow bridge. shes a kangal mix, and i love her dearly, but bella was THE ONE.
recently, ive been feeling really bad. work is rapidly going down hill. the workload has increased, the pay is shit, my relationship with my father has completely broken down and i hardly speak to him, despite living in the same house. i cant afford to rent or get my own place. so im stuck...
i havent felt this bad in a very long time. and the "dark passenger" has come knocking persistently. my "dark passenger" (from the tv series dexter) is this feeling of anger/frustration that i get, where i want to royally fuck everything up. in the past i would let it take over, which would result in arrests etc, but now the risks are too great. its not easy anymore to jump from one job to the next. and i have ariel to take care of. so im trapped and ready to burst...
so ctb has been a lot on my mind lately and i have given it some serious thought. and i cant do it unfortunately. i look at ariel and i cant leave her. but, once summer is over and i can wear long sleeves, boy, am i going to dig into my arm with the sharpest razor i can get my hands on...am i gonna have a party...20 yrs worth of partying...cant wait
rant over...
so back to wanting to ctb, when my sister bullied me, i remember myself crying and wishing that id never been born. that no one cared for me and why did they have me? they already had 2 other kids, why did they want a 3rd one? i would refuse my lunch or dinner and go without (early form of self harm i suppose) and i would try to strangle myself.
when my brother and a teacher started to sa me, i had nowhere to turn to. i thought that they wouldnt believe me, i couldnt imagine facing police and telling them, and my dad would just lose it, as he always did with everything. so i just put up with it...i have now found out the teachers address and i plan to pay him a visit...my brother has the sun shining out his ass, always has...if only people knew...bullshit its not all men, no man is safe as far as im concerned...
and when my grandfather murdered/shot his daughter (my aunt), i only got no more than the basics. no one asked me how i was feeling, no one explained anything. it has always been like that in the family, both my parents...im like, "hello, what the af is going on, do we not live in the same house or something???"
when i left home to go to uni, things started unravelling. away from the controlling pig my dad was, i started acting up. i went over this with ai chat and it said that whilst at home, my nervous system kinda shut down and went into survival mode. "keep your head low and get through this unscathed" kinda thing. so when i left that environment and i felt safe, it all started to unravel...
id get very angry, and i would get really worked up, where i would start shaking and crying...it wasnt long before i started wondering the streets at night, which led to getting stopped by the police, which led to confrontational behaviour on my part, which led to arrests. multiple, frequent arrests.
before long i started self harming. i would stand in front of oncoming trains and jump aside as last second as i could dare. and then i started cutting myself and smoking cannabis.
as i was known to police and they stopped me frequently, i also started getting in trouble for being in possession of offensive weapons (knives, broken bottles, razor blades). yet i only got probation. no referrals to psychiatrist or anything. i had no clue what help was available and how to ask for it. and i also just put up a wall of defiance and rebellion. although the cannabis helped me sleep, it also made my depression 1000 times worse.
i ended up taking 2 full packets/boxes of paracetamol. i didnt know it wouldnt work, i was hoping id go to sleep and never wake up. it didnt work, i got taken to hospital and put on iv drip. when i got out 3-4 days later, i was a complete mess. i was crying constantly, all day, and really angry i wasnt dead.
when i managed to cut the vein in my arm, on the inside of the elbow, where they usually take blood for tests, and the blood flowed like youd turned the tap on, at first i thought i should call an ambulance. but then i thought that this is what i wanted. i didnt pass out, but the next day i felt nauteous af and i was unable to do any strenous exercise without passing out for quite a while. i also ate carrots like crazy, whilst shoving my head in the washing machine and smelling the rubber on its door. i also wanted to chew on bus tyres (pica is a hell of a bitch).
i continued cutting myself and the trouble with police also continued (they once followed me into a supermarket where i went for my weekly shop for a pnc check...), whilst at the same time trying to hold onto a job (unsuccessful). id get a job, stay a few months, hate it/get bored, leave it, look for something else. having to make excuses at work as to why i didnt turn up because i was locked up or had to go to court was also a major problem...
but then i decided to push my luck further and not turn up for court (in addition to not turning up for probation appointments)...and though the courts didnt particularly care for the public order offences, when i got arrested again for offensive weapon, the cps requested i was remanded. first time round, my solicitor was able to get me conditional bail, pending the presentence reports. but the second time round, i got remanded...that was such a delightful experience...not...
i tried to strangle myself with my shoelaces within half an hour of being placed in the general population wing, so i was placed in the segregation unit. kept trying to harm myself, the screws tried to stop me, there would be scuffles/fights. i ended up being locked up nearly all day, being let out only by myself.
after the 3-4 weeks were up and i was taken to court, i would have received a custodial sentence, but my solicitor agreed with the cps that if i moved away and back to my parents place, the cps wouldnt object to a community based sentence. little did the courts know that my family was fucked up and not the best place for me, but i had no choice. it was the less worse scenario, so to speak.
so when i was released, i moved back with my parents and after a couple months, i got a golden retriever puppy, bella. she was my saviour. i had a reason to wake up in the morning, to stay out of trouble. we did everything together, she was smart af...and we spent 14.5yrs together. i had my ups and downs, but she was my constant. when i got covid in 2019, when people were dropping like flies, my first thought was "whos going to take care of bella if i go into hospital?" because by then she had liver cancer. i had to have her put to sleep a couple months later, 24 dec 2021. i still cry when i think of her, i cry if a sad song comes on the radio when im driving. she was my 1-in-a million pet, the one that stays with you forever.
i did adopt another puppy, ariel, shortly before bella crossed the rainbow bridge. shes a kangal mix, and i love her dearly, but bella was THE ONE.
recently, ive been feeling really bad. work is rapidly going down hill. the workload has increased, the pay is shit, my relationship with my father has completely broken down and i hardly speak to him, despite living in the same house. i cant afford to rent or get my own place. so im stuck...
i havent felt this bad in a very long time. and the "dark passenger" has come knocking persistently. my "dark passenger" (from the tv series dexter) is this feeling of anger/frustration that i get, where i want to royally fuck everything up. in the past i would let it take over, which would result in arrests etc, but now the risks are too great. its not easy anymore to jump from one job to the next. and i have ariel to take care of. so im trapped and ready to burst...
so ctb has been a lot on my mind lately and i have given it some serious thought. and i cant do it unfortunately. i look at ariel and i cant leave her. but, once summer is over and i can wear long sleeves, boy, am i going to dig into my arm with the sharpest razor i can get my hands on...am i gonna have a party...20 yrs worth of partying...cant wait
rant over...
Last edited:
you've been through a lot. 
...
