midwallace
I hate group projects
- Jul 22, 2026
- 2
Hello everyone, idk how to start since this is my first post here. I made my account like a month ago but I didn't feel ready to post anything because I knew it would mean something, until now.
The reason I joined after discovering the forum it's because I've felt very alone all this time being unable to talk with other people about a topic considered taboo as suicide is. I've had mental health problems since I was 14 that is when the suicidal thoughts started, but I think I'd been dealing with shit since I was 11 or 12 and didn't realize. I suspect to have BPD, not really that I suspect, I know I have it but I can't afford therapy and get diagnosed and I cant obviously self-diagnose (which i think im doing but nvm), so I guess I can't even get a proper explanation to what's wrong with me for myself and others around me. I don't wanna larp mental illness or sound like those TikTok diagnoses and I don't consider myself a smart or intelligent person but I do think I'm a bit too self aware to know I cover the majority if not all symptoms.
About myself. I live in a third world country, im mexican (english is not my first language so sorry if I make a mistake), I'm a queer person, my mother is a narcissist with child-like behavior and an addiction to compulsive shopping even though we're not rich and my father is an abusive misogynist junkie who is 14 years older than my mother, so yeah ig I'm cooked from birth. Now I'm a "grown adult" who took a year off from university because I don't know what i want to study or if I want a career at all knowing that I've barely been able to keep myself alive these last few months or years. I actually planned to CTB when I was 17 but I had to "postpone" it; now I know I don't think I'll reach 20 and that's why I'm here, I wanted to search methods, the most effective and quick ones. I'm tired of everything and everyone, most of the time I feel inhuman or out of place, I watch myself in the mirror and I dont know if thats me, I feel like a stranger in my own house and family, I don't understand many social rules, sometimes I have hallucinations about those "shadow people" or get extremely paranoid, I have anxiety and panic attacks where I start shaking noticeably and I tend to have fits of anger where I end up hurting myself and get overly violent or intrusive thoughts, actually very disgusting and disturbing thoughts that I wish I didn't have.
I have a best friend that if I actually happen to have BPD, I think I would call her my 'favorite person'. She was in fact my favorite person, we met in high school, but then she moved to another state and we used to text every day. She has her own problems too, I know, there was a time when she also had suicidal thoughts but got over it. Everything was fine, we used to do a lot of things together despite the distance but she suddenly stopped replying to my messages, we went from talking every day to every week or two, she got a boyfriend and I'm not saying she stopped texting because of him, but I know it has something to do with it. I started to get very anxious and envious about it because she is the only person I have left and the only one who's been patient with me despite me always complaining, being negative and talking about wanting to kill myself. Im afraid she will get tired of me thanks to that. I go from thinking she is perfect to calling her a slut in my head every time she is online but doesnt respond and that makes me feel bad because I dont wanna think like that about her, I still love her very much. I do have a lot of issues with abandonment and im aware, it has happened before with other people I used to call my favorite person too. Her not replying probably means nothing but when someone is your reason for living and thinking about future, things get a little worse in your head even for the smallest things.
It made me realize that neither she nor anyone else will stay in my life forever and it made me feel really lonely and hopeless. I dont think I live for myself but for others and it has been like that since I was a child. It's not that I want to die just out of fear of being alone, it's everything. It's quite tiring for all the reasons I've mentioned before, I get so exhausted and depressed that I don't wanna get up from my bed, I don't have any goals, I don't have many real friends, i dont enjoy the things i liked as much as I used to, things at home are very complicated but I still don't have the opportunity to move. The outbursts of anger get so bad I start hurting myself until I'm dizzy and sometimes I be too alone with my thoughts that they turn sexually or morally disgusting even if I know I will never do any of those things, makes me feel like im going crazy.
So no, I don't think this is the way to live. It's too hard and dehumanizing for someone this weak, but I know I would never ask for help on my own because it feels like a privilege. I plan to get a gun before I turn 20 and if I can't find one I'll probably go with cutting my veins/bleeding out though I know it takes longer and I have more chances of surviving.
Thank you for reading, really, this place feels ironically safe. I love reading the things people write here because it feels like I'm not as alone as I thought. I'll try to be around more.
The reason I joined after discovering the forum it's because I've felt very alone all this time being unable to talk with other people about a topic considered taboo as suicide is. I've had mental health problems since I was 14 that is when the suicidal thoughts started, but I think I'd been dealing with shit since I was 11 or 12 and didn't realize. I suspect to have BPD, not really that I suspect, I know I have it but I can't afford therapy and get diagnosed and I cant obviously self-diagnose (which i think im doing but nvm), so I guess I can't even get a proper explanation to what's wrong with me for myself and others around me. I don't wanna larp mental illness or sound like those TikTok diagnoses and I don't consider myself a smart or intelligent person but I do think I'm a bit too self aware to know I cover the majority if not all symptoms.
About myself. I live in a third world country, im mexican (english is not my first language so sorry if I make a mistake), I'm a queer person, my mother is a narcissist with child-like behavior and an addiction to compulsive shopping even though we're not rich and my father is an abusive misogynist junkie who is 14 years older than my mother, so yeah ig I'm cooked from birth. Now I'm a "grown adult" who took a year off from university because I don't know what i want to study or if I want a career at all knowing that I've barely been able to keep myself alive these last few months or years. I actually planned to CTB when I was 17 but I had to "postpone" it; now I know I don't think I'll reach 20 and that's why I'm here, I wanted to search methods, the most effective and quick ones. I'm tired of everything and everyone, most of the time I feel inhuman or out of place, I watch myself in the mirror and I dont know if thats me, I feel like a stranger in my own house and family, I don't understand many social rules, sometimes I have hallucinations about those "shadow people" or get extremely paranoid, I have anxiety and panic attacks where I start shaking noticeably and I tend to have fits of anger where I end up hurting myself and get overly violent or intrusive thoughts, actually very disgusting and disturbing thoughts that I wish I didn't have.
I have a best friend that if I actually happen to have BPD, I think I would call her my 'favorite person'. She was in fact my favorite person, we met in high school, but then she moved to another state and we used to text every day. She has her own problems too, I know, there was a time when she also had suicidal thoughts but got over it. Everything was fine, we used to do a lot of things together despite the distance but she suddenly stopped replying to my messages, we went from talking every day to every week or two, she got a boyfriend and I'm not saying she stopped texting because of him, but I know it has something to do with it. I started to get very anxious and envious about it because she is the only person I have left and the only one who's been patient with me despite me always complaining, being negative and talking about wanting to kill myself. Im afraid she will get tired of me thanks to that. I go from thinking she is perfect to calling her a slut in my head every time she is online but doesnt respond and that makes me feel bad because I dont wanna think like that about her, I still love her very much. I do have a lot of issues with abandonment and im aware, it has happened before with other people I used to call my favorite person too. Her not replying probably means nothing but when someone is your reason for living and thinking about future, things get a little worse in your head even for the smallest things.
It made me realize that neither she nor anyone else will stay in my life forever and it made me feel really lonely and hopeless. I dont think I live for myself but for others and it has been like that since I was a child. It's not that I want to die just out of fear of being alone, it's everything. It's quite tiring for all the reasons I've mentioned before, I get so exhausted and depressed that I don't wanna get up from my bed, I don't have any goals, I don't have many real friends, i dont enjoy the things i liked as much as I used to, things at home are very complicated but I still don't have the opportunity to move. The outbursts of anger get so bad I start hurting myself until I'm dizzy and sometimes I be too alone with my thoughts that they turn sexually or morally disgusting even if I know I will never do any of those things, makes me feel like im going crazy.
So no, I don't think this is the way to live. It's too hard and dehumanizing for someone this weak, but I know I would never ask for help on my own because it feels like a privilege. I plan to get a gun before I turn 20 and if I can't find one I'll probably go with cutting my veins/bleeding out though I know it takes longer and I have more chances of surviving.
Thank you for reading, really, this place feels ironically safe. I love reading the things people write here because it feels like I'm not as alone as I thought. I'll try to be around more.
