Seiko
"Nothing's gonna hurt you, baby."
- Jul 9, 2021
- 167
Long diary/rambly-ish post! Feel free to ignore it.
Hey, all. I've recovered for a year and a couple of months now, and it was a multifaceted outcome of many changes in my life (i.e., abstinence from alcohol, finishing my degree, adopting a positive "big brother" inner monologue, etc). This is sort of journal post, but I think I just want to say that even while recovered and deriving great pleasure out of life—my pro-choice opinions haven't changed. I still think physician-assisted euthanasia should be available to those who request it—not just in the case of a terminal illness—for several reasons: reducing the agony and trauma from failed attempts, removing the need to obtain "tools" (i.e., SN, firearm, ligature), the relief and prevention of human suffering, and respecting the ultimate choice of free will (if we're all actually autonomous, sovereign humans at not reduced to mere taxpayers). I'm also not a fan of the virtue-signaling savior complexes that come swooping in when someone mentions the thought of suicide, and I am vehemently against the conservative attitude of wishers being "crybabies" or "unable to handle the real world" (tell that to the families of returning service members who took their life). Life in itself is a terminal illness of sorts, and it's one that we never consented to; it only makes sense to allow the sovereign decision to intentionally end one's own early.
For those wanting to recover, I think the biggest piece of advice I have is to control your own headspace (this is just a possible technique, not a pro-life apology). Shut the door immediately on unwanted thoughts—you don't have to entertain them. It may seem like blissful ignorance, and it is: you don't have to apologize or second-guess yourself for making your mind a pleasurable place to reside in. I've always been a big maladaptive daydreamer, especially when paired with music, a mirror, and a private place to pace. As unhinged as it may seem, treat your mind as a curated feed of what you only want to think about, and treat negative thoughts as a "don't show this post again" button. If you wouldn't voluntarily seek out things that upset you, it doesn't make sense to allow them in your mind. I understand there are a whole bunch of life circumstances and lived experiences that would make this technique ineffective, but if you're in a place where you can adopt this sort of thinking, I suggest it. I do get bouts of intrusive thoughts and bad memories still, but my muscles for shooing away bad thoughts have strengthened with time.
I also grew up as a practicing Catholic, and I did seriously try to return to the faith—but I couldn't. After many trips to confession and attending mass, it's not something I could force myself to like, nor was it something I could convince myself was an obligation. I desperately want to believe that an omnipotent, all-loving God is real, but it's just not something I can seriously believe without any empirical proof. I always found a bit of peace from praying the rosary, but the same could be achieved from any thirty minutes of meditation or self-reflection. Moreover, I have some political differences that are just incompatible with the faith, the foremost being my views on pro-choice suicide. Yes—I do believe suicide can be a rational, non-impulsive decision that shouldn't be forbidden. Forcing someone to live against their will is largely "staying together for the kids." It's a parasitical mindset that drains everyone involved. I believe I best identify as a lapsed Catholic or, even more directly, as agnostic. I'm still interested in the theology of all the Abrahamic religions (it can be a pretty interesting field of study), but personally, I'm not practicing.
I think my biggest concern right now is the prospect of working. I'm 21 and about to graduate, and the thought of navigating society alone scares me. I believe I'm pretty good at faking not having social anxiety or larping as a neurotypical, but there are some instances where I just don't always feel comfortable. Driving is a big hurdle for me. It's so weird; driving itself seems like such a dangerous task subject to so much human error that it should be obsolete by now. I'm really banking on a future where autonomous cars become a reality, or better yet, reliable public transportation or mixed-use infrastructure in American cities. I don't think there's anywhere to really go in the suburbs, but if there were just more places I could walk or cycle to, that'd improve my quality of life a bit. The thought of working is another big hurdle for me. I've heard enough horror stories of toxic work environments and dealing with shitty people. From what I hear, where you work can either be soul-crushing or personally fulfilling. I really want a job in social services or civic engagement, working to alleviate poverty and serve underprivileged communities. I'm not too concerned as I have the privilege of not having to work for a bit, but I'm really looking forward to doing a program like AmeriCorps or any other civic engagement program.
I've also been a member before the unfortunate mainstream attention to this site, and I specifically remember the case of Tantacrul. I remember posting on his thread before he made his video advocating for the legal takedown of SaSu. I never really thought a video like that would come to fruition, nonetheless gaining over a couple million views. I never watched his video in its entirety (because it's honestly sort of triggering for me), but ironically, I think a lot of the comments on his video validate my current beliefs: open-minded and judgment-free discussions on the right to die are heavily policed by society. There's no room for nuance: advocating for the right to die is "predatory," those wanting to die need an "intervention," and thinking anything else means you're complicit. There were also a lot of comments with personal anecdotes along the lines of "I was there too, but I'm so glad I didn't do it!" The reason why I don't share the same view is because statements like that are self-fulfilling (they decided not to, so they didn't) and a good example of survivorship bias. Thinking your same recovery story can be applied to everyone is an irrational, blind approach that's hard not to view as a form of projection. It's unfortunate that many people—including the editors at Wikipedia—still define this site as being "pro-suicide." I think being "pro-choice suicide," "pro-right to die," or "pro-voluntary euthanasia" is not only more accurate but has been the official stance since the subreddit days. There's a big difference.
And since this is a place where I can say it and not be judged, I believe life should ultimately be considered optional, and there should be institutions that humanely provide that service (i.e., MAiD and PAD/PAS). I believe if more people were honest with themselves, it wouldn't be such a deviant or radical thing to say. I think I really want a future where people can safely opt out of life in a professional environment without the pain, trauma, or risk that comes with self-induced methods—or, if you get caught, the shitty option of people "helping" by placing you in thinly-veiled incarceration (involuntary commitments/institutionalization are even more inhumane and contrary to the Hippocratic oath than voluntary euthanasia). Of course, there'd be policies to prevent impulse decisions or people that genuinely just need "medication and therapy bro," but people largely know what they want, and they've likely tried to help themselves more than you could possibly help them. If there were better options, they would've taken them. If this utopia did exist and a loved one were to take that option, I'd, of course, be extraordinarily heartbroken—but the ultimate sign of respect and love is upholding their free will as a human being. If it's a choice made in a sober, rational mind with all exhausted attempts to improve one's situation, so be it. I'd much rather have that than have them suffer in silence or die in a painful or gruesome manner, and these programs preserve a lot more human dignity. I know there's the argument of "what if it gets better," but I think if programs like these were to come to fruition, there'd already be policies such as long-term waiting periods with medication compliance and attendance with mental health professionals. If those wanting to leave still feel the same persistent feelings—like many of the people here—I don't see why that option shouldn't be allowed.
But these are already well-discussed points. I just wish we lived in a progressive enough society where discussing sanctioned suicide wasn't as taboo. I think an unfortunate truth is that wanting to CTB gets you treated as a plague in society, almost similar to being homeless. You get the same fake empathy, sometimes not at all, but most people and institutions would rather not deal with you if they had no obligation. Those who try usually come in with an angle of not being legally/socially/morally liable if you do so. Maybe it's me, but "I prefer you don't, though I love you and will respect whatever decision you choose. Please make sure it's the right one, and just know I'd rather you be here with me" seems far more empathetic than someone trying to come up with the correct syntax of words, trying to think for you, posting the number to the suicide hotline, or giving the over-repeated tropes/social sanctions of "...is a permanent solution to a..." " grass is greener..." "it gets better," "what if..." etc. The worst, well-meaning thing someone could say is probably, "You better not leave me." That's a good way to make someone feel detained and forced to live against their will. IMO, pro-life views are inherently reactionary, and the toxic positivity from a lot of people with those beliefs is more invalidating than anything else. I don't think it's outlandish at all to say being pro-choice to the ultimate extent of self-determination—as long as it doesn't harm others—does make you inherently subordinate to the dominant pro-life status quo. The means of social control, like interventions through hospitalization or even incarceration, are clear as day. I live for a day when these viewpoints aren't as deviant as they are now.
So, there's that. Even with those social-political views, I'm personally in a place where I wouldn't CTB, and I'm overall satisfied and genuinely happy with each day. I think "life is what you make of it" or "you are responsible for your own thoughts" can be problematic statements that ignore deeper trauma or life circumstances; however, if you're fortunate enough where all is "good" on paper, and most negativity is just generated from your mind, it's worth seeing how you could interpret those phrases in your own life. With life as infinitely complex as it is, I think you sort of have to come up with your own constructed reasons to live. For me, I'm eager to gain a bit more independence and responsibility in life. Seeing how much I develop in my own identity and just how much the world will change over the years are also mysteries I don't want to miss out on (even if we become a technological dystopia—if we aren't living it now—I want to see how it comes into fruition). And also, I love my maladaptive daydreams. There's no guarantee I'll stay recovered (so maybe "recovering" would be a better word, like in AA).
Lastly, I hope to see a society where MAiD and PAD/PAS programs are legal and accessible globally. That'd be a huge step in the social progress I want to see. It's so great to see familiar faces and to know that this site has persisted through constant negative media attention.
Hey, all. I've recovered for a year and a couple of months now, and it was a multifaceted outcome of many changes in my life (i.e., abstinence from alcohol, finishing my degree, adopting a positive "big brother" inner monologue, etc). This is sort of journal post, but I think I just want to say that even while recovered and deriving great pleasure out of life—my pro-choice opinions haven't changed. I still think physician-assisted euthanasia should be available to those who request it—not just in the case of a terminal illness—for several reasons: reducing the agony and trauma from failed attempts, removing the need to obtain "tools" (i.e., SN, firearm, ligature), the relief and prevention of human suffering, and respecting the ultimate choice of free will (if we're all actually autonomous, sovereign humans at not reduced to mere taxpayers). I'm also not a fan of the virtue-signaling savior complexes that come swooping in when someone mentions the thought of suicide, and I am vehemently against the conservative attitude of wishers being "crybabies" or "unable to handle the real world" (tell that to the families of returning service members who took their life). Life in itself is a terminal illness of sorts, and it's one that we never consented to; it only makes sense to allow the sovereign decision to intentionally end one's own early.
For those wanting to recover, I think the biggest piece of advice I have is to control your own headspace (this is just a possible technique, not a pro-life apology). Shut the door immediately on unwanted thoughts—you don't have to entertain them. It may seem like blissful ignorance, and it is: you don't have to apologize or second-guess yourself for making your mind a pleasurable place to reside in. I've always been a big maladaptive daydreamer, especially when paired with music, a mirror, and a private place to pace. As unhinged as it may seem, treat your mind as a curated feed of what you only want to think about, and treat negative thoughts as a "don't show this post again" button. If you wouldn't voluntarily seek out things that upset you, it doesn't make sense to allow them in your mind. I understand there are a whole bunch of life circumstances and lived experiences that would make this technique ineffective, but if you're in a place where you can adopt this sort of thinking, I suggest it. I do get bouts of intrusive thoughts and bad memories still, but my muscles for shooing away bad thoughts have strengthened with time.
I also grew up as a practicing Catholic, and I did seriously try to return to the faith—but I couldn't. After many trips to confession and attending mass, it's not something I could force myself to like, nor was it something I could convince myself was an obligation. I desperately want to believe that an omnipotent, all-loving God is real, but it's just not something I can seriously believe without any empirical proof. I always found a bit of peace from praying the rosary, but the same could be achieved from any thirty minutes of meditation or self-reflection. Moreover, I have some political differences that are just incompatible with the faith, the foremost being my views on pro-choice suicide. Yes—I do believe suicide can be a rational, non-impulsive decision that shouldn't be forbidden. Forcing someone to live against their will is largely "staying together for the kids." It's a parasitical mindset that drains everyone involved. I believe I best identify as a lapsed Catholic or, even more directly, as agnostic. I'm still interested in the theology of all the Abrahamic religions (it can be a pretty interesting field of study), but personally, I'm not practicing.
I think my biggest concern right now is the prospect of working. I'm 21 and about to graduate, and the thought of navigating society alone scares me. I believe I'm pretty good at faking not having social anxiety or larping as a neurotypical, but there are some instances where I just don't always feel comfortable. Driving is a big hurdle for me. It's so weird; driving itself seems like such a dangerous task subject to so much human error that it should be obsolete by now. I'm really banking on a future where autonomous cars become a reality, or better yet, reliable public transportation or mixed-use infrastructure in American cities. I don't think there's anywhere to really go in the suburbs, but if there were just more places I could walk or cycle to, that'd improve my quality of life a bit. The thought of working is another big hurdle for me. I've heard enough horror stories of toxic work environments and dealing with shitty people. From what I hear, where you work can either be soul-crushing or personally fulfilling. I really want a job in social services or civic engagement, working to alleviate poverty and serve underprivileged communities. I'm not too concerned as I have the privilege of not having to work for a bit, but I'm really looking forward to doing a program like AmeriCorps or any other civic engagement program.
I've also been a member before the unfortunate mainstream attention to this site, and I specifically remember the case of Tantacrul. I remember posting on his thread before he made his video advocating for the legal takedown of SaSu. I never really thought a video like that would come to fruition, nonetheless gaining over a couple million views. I never watched his video in its entirety (because it's honestly sort of triggering for me), but ironically, I think a lot of the comments on his video validate my current beliefs: open-minded and judgment-free discussions on the right to die are heavily policed by society. There's no room for nuance: advocating for the right to die is "predatory," those wanting to die need an "intervention," and thinking anything else means you're complicit. There were also a lot of comments with personal anecdotes along the lines of "I was there too, but I'm so glad I didn't do it!" The reason why I don't share the same view is because statements like that are self-fulfilling (they decided not to, so they didn't) and a good example of survivorship bias. Thinking your same recovery story can be applied to everyone is an irrational, blind approach that's hard not to view as a form of projection. It's unfortunate that many people—including the editors at Wikipedia—still define this site as being "pro-suicide." I think being "pro-choice suicide," "pro-right to die," or "pro-voluntary euthanasia" is not only more accurate but has been the official stance since the subreddit days. There's a big difference.
And since this is a place where I can say it and not be judged, I believe life should ultimately be considered optional, and there should be institutions that humanely provide that service (i.e., MAiD and PAD/PAS). I believe if more people were honest with themselves, it wouldn't be such a deviant or radical thing to say. I think I really want a future where people can safely opt out of life in a professional environment without the pain, trauma, or risk that comes with self-induced methods—or, if you get caught, the shitty option of people "helping" by placing you in thinly-veiled incarceration (involuntary commitments/institutionalization are even more inhumane and contrary to the Hippocratic oath than voluntary euthanasia). Of course, there'd be policies to prevent impulse decisions or people that genuinely just need "medication and therapy bro," but people largely know what they want, and they've likely tried to help themselves more than you could possibly help them. If there were better options, they would've taken them. If this utopia did exist and a loved one were to take that option, I'd, of course, be extraordinarily heartbroken—but the ultimate sign of respect and love is upholding their free will as a human being. If it's a choice made in a sober, rational mind with all exhausted attempts to improve one's situation, so be it. I'd much rather have that than have them suffer in silence or die in a painful or gruesome manner, and these programs preserve a lot more human dignity. I know there's the argument of "what if it gets better," but I think if programs like these were to come to fruition, there'd already be policies such as long-term waiting periods with medication compliance and attendance with mental health professionals. If those wanting to leave still feel the same persistent feelings—like many of the people here—I don't see why that option shouldn't be allowed.
But these are already well-discussed points. I just wish we lived in a progressive enough society where discussing sanctioned suicide wasn't as taboo. I think an unfortunate truth is that wanting to CTB gets you treated as a plague in society, almost similar to being homeless. You get the same fake empathy, sometimes not at all, but most people and institutions would rather not deal with you if they had no obligation. Those who try usually come in with an angle of not being legally/socially/morally liable if you do so. Maybe it's me, but "I prefer you don't, though I love you and will respect whatever decision you choose. Please make sure it's the right one, and just know I'd rather you be here with me" seems far more empathetic than someone trying to come up with the correct syntax of words, trying to think for you, posting the number to the suicide hotline, or giving the over-repeated tropes/social sanctions of "...is a permanent solution to a..." " grass is greener..." "it gets better," "what if..." etc. The worst, well-meaning thing someone could say is probably, "You better not leave me." That's a good way to make someone feel detained and forced to live against their will. IMO, pro-life views are inherently reactionary, and the toxic positivity from a lot of people with those beliefs is more invalidating than anything else. I don't think it's outlandish at all to say being pro-choice to the ultimate extent of self-determination—as long as it doesn't harm others—does make you inherently subordinate to the dominant pro-life status quo. The means of social control, like interventions through hospitalization or even incarceration, are clear as day. I live for a day when these viewpoints aren't as deviant as they are now.
So, there's that. Even with those social-political views, I'm personally in a place where I wouldn't CTB, and I'm overall satisfied and genuinely happy with each day. I think "life is what you make of it" or "you are responsible for your own thoughts" can be problematic statements that ignore deeper trauma or life circumstances; however, if you're fortunate enough where all is "good" on paper, and most negativity is just generated from your mind, it's worth seeing how you could interpret those phrases in your own life. With life as infinitely complex as it is, I think you sort of have to come up with your own constructed reasons to live. For me, I'm eager to gain a bit more independence and responsibility in life. Seeing how much I develop in my own identity and just how much the world will change over the years are also mysteries I don't want to miss out on (even if we become a technological dystopia—if we aren't living it now—I want to see how it comes into fruition). And also, I love my maladaptive daydreams. There's no guarantee I'll stay recovered (so maybe "recovering" would be a better word, like in AA).
Lastly, I hope to see a society where MAiD and PAD/PAS programs are legal and accessible globally. That'd be a huge step in the social progress I want to see. It's so great to see familiar faces and to know that this site has persisted through constant negative media attention.
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