Venting I've been blocked on everything. SH is in my mind again

[doener11]

On Thursday, me and him were alone together in a room, and I asked him to unblock me on tiktok (where I was already blocked at this point). He said no, and I asked him why, said 'no reason'. Repeated the question again and again and started crying really badly in front of him, still got the same answer. He eventually said 'It really isn't that deep' and I just completely lost myself and started hitting him... 10 seconds later I realised everything and started apologising a lot. Eventually he told me that I was being annoying towards him, I asked how I could change to make things better (me and him had a convo about this before, and it went successfully and I did everything he asked), but he said no. He said he'd unblock me on Monday. Friday we didn't talk at all, apart from him nearly punching me when I was trying to read my book in registration period in the morning, but I was already crying a lot and I told him to please not do that, and he listened. I haven't talked to him since.. but found out I was blocked on everything. I don't know what to do. I've managed to get out of SH, being clean for a year (apart from one slip up in February), but now it's coming into my head really strongly as well as wanting to be drunk all the time. Suicide too, but I hope it will never come to that, but it's lingering in my mind. I've tried to bury myself in an essay I'm writing for school, and that kept me occupied with research most of the day, but now I just can't get him or SH out of my head. Really just want to see myself bleed, but my mum already took the knives I had. The skin on my forearms is really sensitive to everything, so I've never really needed to use anything sharp to get a strong feeling, but now the knives I was using (not sharp enough to do anything) are gone, I'll have to use way sharper ones. Excites and scares me at the same time, don't want to go to hospital like my brother did, really don't want to put my parents through that experience again, it was really scary for them. I hate him and love him at the same time, and I don't want to give up on him, but I don't know what to do differently and I'm getting desperate, bc I have one other irl friend and a few online, but I'm not close at all with them. I can't stand it. I want him to understand how I feel, so that he can change and become a better person, not just for my own selfishness but also so others don't have to experience this in the future. I hate my life

 

[Mio_Kamimachi]

It is beyond admirable what you are trying to do. It is one of the most selfless acts i could think of. But for your own sanity and safety, you need to focus on yourself and force them away no matter what they say. You gave them the tools and books on what to do. A guide on how they can start fixing themselves.

Now it is their time to put in the work and have a shot at being tolerable again. Don't let this persons hallucinations, delusions and paranoia and abusive personality trap you in a fight destined for you to lose.

They are terrified themselves of every creek they hear, they have to read news articles multiple times because the text keeps changing every time they blink, they jump and tear up when somebody places a fork on a table on the other side of the room, they see the devil and god quite literally fighting in their bedroom, they are too scared to close the eyes knowing that their dreams will show the truth of how they are and what their life has been. The brutally honest reallife, that amnesia and denial tried to shield them from all their life.

They are going absolutely insane and are terrified of themselves, so hereby I beg you to stay away as far as possible from them. You can't fix them. A doctor can't. A psychiatrist can't. Only they can. Only they can make the conscious choice to break down their patterns and habits. Or fade away by their own choice.

Cherish the good times. But don't let the good times lead you to your own souls sacrifice.

LG
(May the right person read this post)