doener11
Member
- Jun 17, 2023
- 30
On Thursday, me and him were alone together in a room, and I asked him to unblock me on tiktok (where I was already blocked at this point). He said no, and I asked him why, said 'no reason'. Repeated the question again and again and started crying really badly in front of him, still got the same answer. He eventually said 'It really isn't that deep' and I just completely lost myself and started hitting him... 10 seconds later I realised everything and started apologising a lot. Eventually he told me that I was being annoying towards him, I asked how I could change to make things better (me and him had a convo about this before, and it went successfully and I did everything he asked), but he said no. He said he'd unblock me on Monday. Friday we didn't talk at all, apart from him nearly punching me when I was trying to read my book in registration period in the morning, but I was already crying a lot and I told him to please not do that, and he listened. I haven't talked to him since.. but found out I was blocked on everything. I don't know what to do. I've managed to get out of SH, being clean for a year (apart from one slip up in February), but now it's coming into my head really strongly as well as wanting to be drunk all the time. Suicide too, but I hope it will never come to that, but it's lingering in my mind. I've tried to bury myself in an essay I'm writing for school, and that kept me occupied with research most of the day, but now I just can't get him or SH out of my head. Really just want to see myself bleed, but my mum already took the knives I had. The skin on my forearms is really sensitive to everything, so I've never really needed to use anything sharp to get a strong feeling, but now the knives I was using (not sharp enough to do anything) are gone, I'll have to use way sharper ones. Excites and scares me at the same time, don't want to go to hospital like my brother did, really don't want to put my parents through that experience again, it was really scary for them. I hate him and love him at the same time, and I don't want to give up on him, but I don't know what to do differently and I'm getting desperate, bc I have one other irl friend and a few online, but I'm not close at all with them. I can't stand it. I want him to understand how I feel, so that he can change and become a better person, not just for my own selfishness but also so others don't have to experience this in the future. I hate my life
