Venting It's probably time

[junko]

Today's probably D-Day. When you know, you know. I don't have the materials I need but I can't do this anymore and don't have a support system to rely on. I'm done pushing off and playing around. I'm going to draft up my note and decide if I'm posting it online or emailing it to individuals. I'll probably be in and out of this thread with thoughts and updates.

I know we can't ask for advice, but if there are resources, threads, or news stories on people who have successfully bled out, I'd appreciate them being linked to me. I know it has a low success rate, but I don't have many other options and cannot tie a noose due to my disability.

If anyone here is religious or pagan, please petition your God / Gods for me or pray for me. I know I'm going to hell and God won't lessen my punishment no matter what, but maybe They, or some other God, will find it in themselves to offer mercy

 

[syyaaahhhh]

Today's probably D-Day. When you know, you know. I don't have the materials I need but I can't do this anymore and don't have a support system to rely on. I'm done pushing off and playing around. I'm going to draft up my note and decide if I'm posting it online or emailing it to individuals. I'll probably be in and out of this thread with thoughts and updates.

I know we can't ask for advice, but if there are resources, threads, or news stories on people who have successfully bled out, I'd appreciate them being linked to me. I know it has a low success rate, but I don't have many other options and cannot tie a noose due to my disability.

If anyone here is religious or pagan, please petition your God / Gods for me or pray for me. I know I'm going to hell and God won't lessen my punishment no matter what, but maybe They, or some other God, will find it in themselves to offer mercy

Have a safe trip and hope you find the peace you are looking for.

 

[FuneralCry]

I hope that you find the freedom you search for, best wishes.

 

[junko]

Idk how much of this I'm allowed to say, so apologies in advance

But I've been sexually assaulted twice in the last year. Different incidents in different locations. I said no and they still did it. I was sexually abused as a child up until I left home.

I've had someone try to hit me with their car. I've had slurs shouted at me from car windows multiple times. I have a coworker who is being exceptionally rude to me, not communicating important things to me, and has called me slow to my face.

I was physically assaulted by another coworker at a different job I've had here. I was told by my boss -- who was close friends with the coworker in question -- that it's my own fault.

My own best friend views me as an unstable asshole who can't make a proper decision for myself.

"You're always two steps away from a breakdown," she said when I was literally at my lowest point, stranded and homeless in a foreign state.

Maybe someone here can understand because no one else does. I don't trust anyone anymore. I have no reason to live. I have no goals, no aspirations, aside from bucket dreams that won't come true. I want to write a book but I do not have the time to even thinks bout writing.

When I CTB, I'm going to listen to the first song that made me cry in a long time. I'll say some prayers and hope I see my dad and my uncle, even for a few seconds, on the other side. They were theo nly people who ever treated me right and I never appreciated them enough for it because I was a child.

 

[justcallmeJ]

I wish you the best in finding the peace you need <3

 

[junko]

I hope that you find the freedom you search for, best wishes.

I really appreciate your kind words. I see you on this forum quite often and you're always so kind to everyone you speak to. You seem like a good person.

 

[syyaaahhhh]

I hope you meet your dad and uncle.

The pain will leave your physical body when you leave this physical world.

You will be free to rest.

No more sadness, no more hurt, no more pain.

 

[Dliena]

Wishing you endless peace and freedom from all the pains never to being hurt from countless cruelties ever again.

 

[voidstar]

You're allowed to talk about everything you need to talk about here, there are so many people in similar situations in this forum who will listen to you and talk to you.
I'm not sure how to console you or any advice I could possibly offer but you're heard.
I wish you all the strength you'll need with whatever you decide to do next, but I can tell you out of experience that CBT via cutting (not sure where you're aiming for) is painful, very slow and rarely successful. One of my previous attempts was via bleeding out so I know from experience.

 

[CloudyNightSky]

That sounds terrible what you had to go through. Give me a sec I once saw a good thread about your method, but I suppose you don't have blood thinners. Painkillers? These are also important

 

[SVEN]

I'll be thinking of you, Junko, I so hope you find a peaceful route out of your misery. Best wishes for your journey.
Sven.

 

[CloudyNightSky]

Are you sure you want to go with cutting. There are so many downsides to it I'd advise you look into the suicide resource compilation first (if you haven't already) and plan it more. For example hanging has a way higher rate and isn't that difficult to plan.

Suicide Resource Compilation

All the links to threads, videos, audio, downloads, and information found here are being made available only for educational purposes, and have been shared by users; we cannot assure the accuracy of the data. This means the way you use this data is fully your responsibility, that you need to...

sanctioned-suicide.net

A Caution About Drug Poisonings (ODs) and Cutting

Preamble I see a lot of posts on this forum mentioning drug poisoning and/or cutting/stabbing as a method of choice. I want to caution these methods for a few reasons. I respect the right to choose any method but I'm concerned that those using these methods may not be fully informed on the...

sanctioned-suicide.net

 

[junko]

That sounds terrible what you had to go through. Give me a sec I once saw a good thread about your method, but I suppose you don't have blood thinners. Painkillers? These are also important

I can probably find something otc that might help thin blood, though ofc I'd have to take a lot for it to work. There's a surprising amount of otc medications ppl shouldn't take if blood thinning is a problem for them

If I'm CTB anyway, it doesn't matter, lol. I wanted to order sleeping pills anyway so I'll start looking

Thank you! It will probably be a few hours before I do it, so I'll be here.

 

[CloudyNightSky]

And if you still want to do this then here's some info:

Cutting the wrists can be a viable method, though as others have pointed out it has a low success rate (I had about 6% in mind). I believe this comes from the high susceptibility to errors meaning you can do many things wrong. But if done right you can pass out within minutes. Here is what I know about this method. Please note that I am no expert and I might be wrong on some points:

• Do NOT cut your wrists like they show it in the movies (parallel to hand). You will survive this. If you go through with this method then cut in the direction away from your hand (parallel to the bones).
  
  
• Look where on the wrist you can feel your pulse, that is the radial artery (picture) https://www.mdpi.com/jcm/jcm-08-01727/article_deploy/html/images/jcm-08-01727-g001.png. You want to cut through that and upwards. Note how it does not go through the middle of the arm but rather the side. I've seen a reddit post a few days ago where someone survived with a massive slit (he attached a photo) because he cut the middle of the arm and missed both, the radial artery and the ulnar vein.
  
  
• The sharper the tool, the better. Razor blades or even scalpels should work best. Though, Avicii also managed to kill himself using glass shards. But I guess you must really be determined to go through with it.
  
  
• Aspirin can be bought in any pharmacy. It is a blood thinner and makes your blood flow more easily through your body. This could cause a heavier bleeding.
  
  
• Movies display people cutting their wrists in the bathtub. There might be some truth to it, the bathtub has 4 benefits:
  - warm / hot water increases your blood flow so you bleed out faster.
  - warm / hot water makes your blood clot slower (or so I have read somewhere).
  - while bleeding out you might feel cold so warm water is more comfortable.
  - no mess to clean up.
  But of course, cutting can be performed anywhere.
  
  
• Downsides:
  - It could be that cutting is extremely painful. Perhaps you could numb the pain a bit using ice packs beforehand?
  - You can accidentally cut your tendons in your arm that control your fingers so if you happen to survive, it could be that your hands won't be fully functional anymore.
  - If you do just one thing wrong you are much more likely to survive. Cutting is not as easy and safe as jumping from a building for example.
  - Death is not immediate and may take a while after you fell unconscious, depending on how heavy you bleed so make sure nobody will find you within the next hour or two.

I just copied it from this thread

how to effectively slice my wrists to CTB?

...

sanctioned-suicide.net

 

[junko]

Are you sure you want to go with cutting. There are so many downsides to it I'd advise you look into the suicide resource compilation first (if you haven't already) and plan it more. For example hanging has a way higher rate and isn't that difficult to plan.

Suicide Resource Compilation

All the links to threads, videos, audio, downloads, and information found here are being made available only for educational purposes, and have been shared by users; we cannot assure the accuracy of the data. This means the way you use this data is fully your responsibility, that you need to...

sanctioned-suicide.net

A Caution About Drug Poisonings (ODs) and Cutting

Preamble I see a lot of posts on this forum mentioning drug poisoning and/or cutting/stabbing as a method of choice. I want to caution these methods for a few reasons. I respect the right to choose any method but I'm concerned that those using these methods may not be fully informed on the...

sanctioned-suicide.net

Thank you for tje links my preferred method is SN, but i donr have time to order it and am feeling lije i cant wait. I cannot go back into work tomorrow and cannot call out, and would rather die than have to be homeless again or look for another job. I'm already walking on eggshells at work bc ive been very ill and hsve had to call out and everyone is mad st me for it. So I'm trying to find a method, or a combo of metjods, that will work today

I can't tie a noose and have tried partial with what little I'm able to do, and it didn't work for me. But I'll probably try again

Thank you again for the links I hope I didn't come off as abrasive, just trying to explain to help others understand

And if you still want to do this then here's some info:

Cutting the wrists can be a viable method, though as others have pointed out it has a low success rate (I had about 6% in mind). I believe this comes from the high susceptibility to errors meaning you can do many things wrong. But if done right you can pass out within minutes. Here is what I know about this method. Please note that I am no expert and I might be wrong on some points:

• Do NOT cut your wrists like they show it in the movies (parallel to hand). You will survive this. If you go through with this method then cut in the direction away from your hand (parallel to the bones).
  
  
• Look where on the wrist you can feel your pulse, that is the radial artery (picture) https://www.mdpi.com/jcm/jcm-08-01727/article_deploy/html/images/jcm-08-01727-g001.png. You want to cut through that and upwards. Note how it does not go through the middle of the arm but rather the side. I've seen a reddit post a few days ago where someone survived with a massive slit (he attached a photo) because he cut the middle of the arm and missed both, the radial artery and the ulnar vein.
  
  
• The sharper the tool, the better. Razor blades or even scalpels should work best. Though, Avicii also managed to kill himself using glass shards. But I guess you must really be determined to go through with it.
  
  
• Aspirin can be bought in any pharmacy. It is a blood thinner and makes your blood flow more easily through your body. This could cause a heavier bleeding.
  
  
• Movies display people cutting their wrists in the bathtub. There might be some truth to it, the bathtub has 4 benefits:
  - warm / hot water increases your blood flow so you bleed out faster.
  - warm / hot water makes your blood clot slower (or so I have read somewhere).
  - while bleeding out you might feel cold so warm water is more comfortable.
  - no mess to clean up.
  But of course, cutting can be performed anywhere.
  
  
• Downsides:
  - It could be that cutting is extremely painful. Perhaps you could numb the pain a bit using ice packs beforehand?
  - You can accidentally cut your tendons in your arm that control your fingers so if you happen to survive, it could be that your hands won't be fully functional anymore.
  - If you do just one thing wrong you are much more likely to survive. Cutting is not as easy and safe as jumping from a building for example.
  - Death is not immediate and may take a while after you fell unconscious, depending on how heavy you bleed so make sure nobody will find you within the next hour or two.

I just copied it from this thread

how to effectively slice my wrists to CTB?

...

sanctioned-suicide.net

Oh! This is exactly what I need, tha k you so much

 

[CloudyNightSky]

Thank you for tje links my preferred method is SN, but i donr have time to order it and am feeling lije i cant wait. I cannot go back into work tomorrow and cannot call out, and would rather die than have to be homeless again or look for another job. I'm already walking on eggshells at work bc ive been very ill and hsve had to call out and everyone is mad st me for it. So I'm trying to find a method, or a combo of metjods, that will work today

I can't tie a noose and have tried partial with what little I'm able to do, and it didn't work for me. But I'll probably try again

Thank you again for the links I hope I didn't come off as abrasive, just trying to explain to help others understand

Oh! This is exactly what I need, tha k you so much

No problem <3 and if you don't succeed or change your mind you're always welcome here

 

[voidstar]

If you're determined then here's my tip - I've read it on the internet some years ago - drink more than you usually do. It's supposed to make your veins and arteries more "plumb" or rather easier to find since there's more liquid in your system. No guarantee if that's actually the case but from my experience it carried at least some truth.

 

[junko]

If you're determined then here's my tip - I've read it on the internet some years ago - drink more than you usually do. It's supposed to make your veins and arteries more "plumb" or rather easier to find since there's more liquid in your system. No guarantee if that's actually the case but from my experience it carried at least some truth.

I actually have hard to find veins and have been told the same by nurses who've struggled to draw my blood -- they suggested I drink tons of water before getting my blood drawn

Alcohol is dehydrating, right? I was planning on getting drunk and then doing it, but obviously I can't if that'll make it harder to bleed out. Back to the drawing board
Just realized it's my nephew's bday tomorrow lol. This is awful. Thankfully it'll take a few days for anyone to realize I'm gone. Probably more, which will suck for my landlady and the clean up process. I'll schedule a happy bday text to be sent to my nephew and hopefully no one will know what day I actually ctb

 

[Praestat_Mori]

I don't think that cutting is a good idea but anyway good luck and I hope you find peace with whatever you decide to do. I'm sorry you have to go through this.

 

[CloudyNightSky]

Alcohol is dehydrating, right? I was planning on getting drunk and then doing it, but obviously I can't if that'll make it harder to bleed out.

Yeah but cutting is incredibly hard and your survival instinct will kick in, so alcohol probably makes it easier. Survival instinct is probably the hardest challenge. I think if I were you, I'd get drunk or like kinda drunk.

 

[junko]

Reached out for support and have so far been ignored

Posted for advice on another forum and the mods deleted it without explanation

I'm genuinely sorry. I'm so sorry for doing things wrong all the time. I'm sorry for being a bad person. I don't know why everything I'm doing lately is wrong for everyone. I don't know how to be right for people. I'm trying so hard but all I'm getting is yelled at 24/7. My best friend Hayes me. My family hates me. My coworkers hate me. I'm sorry. I dont understand what I'm doing wrong. I just want people to know I'm not doing any of this intentionally

 

[rozeske]

Am so sorry you are suffering so much. Absolutely no one deserves what you went through. You sound like a genuinely caring and loving person. I wish life was more kinder to you. I wish you had access to a better method than this, you have already been hurt so much I hate that you have to go through this pain too. But I wish you all the best and I hope you find your peace

 

[Sinikrath]

I feel really bad for you. It actually hurts reading this.

 

[CloudyNightSky]

Reached out for support and have so far been ignored

Posted for advice on another forum and the mods deleted it without explanation

I'm genuinely sorry. I'm so sorry for doing things wrong all the time. I'm sorry for being a bad person. I don't know why everything I'm doing lately is wrong for everyone. I don't know how to be right for people. I'm trying so hard but all I'm getting is yelled at 24/7. My best friend Hayes me. My family hates me. My coworkers hate me. I'm sorry. I dont understand what I'm doing wrong. I just want people to know I'm not doing any of this intentionally

Life is just incredibly unfair and I'm sure you're not the problem in most cases. Society is only focused on profit. Maybe you should think about your decision one more time
Even if it's just until the Sn arrives. I think it's worth to wait and take your time with a decision that important.

 

[junko]

Going to close my eyes and try (and prob fail) to sleep as I'm aware my lack of sleep is part of what's getting me to this point, alongside me just being a horrivle human bejng and fucmjng everything up all the time

(But there's nothing I can do to fix it bc my job makes me so anxious I can't sleep at night without basically od'ing on multiple sleep meds)

Am reconsidering cutting and will try partial hanging again. I can't get alcohol delivered in my area and physically cannot handle interacting face to face with people right now so I'm going out sober I guess

Might still try to order sleeping pills. My apartment is in a weird location that people have a hard time finding so I'll need to have the brainpower needed to figure out how to communicate wgere to drop them off without somehow fucking up and upsetting yet another person today

 

[depressedカリちゃん]

This is the method Hannah used in "13 reasons why", right?

 

[junko]

Couldn't sleep and stores that sell alcohol near me will close before I can get to them

Taking a shower and reattempting partial. If partial fails then will be bleeding out either through wrists, throat, or multiple stabs. Have a plan in place to increase odds of success

No meds no alcohol. Aspirin for bleeding out plus multiple methods of numbing body parts. If that doesn't work, going to settle for smth incredibly painful but with high success rate. Last ditch attempt is climbing to roof of apartment and falling backwards or head first

No note. No point. No one cares

Will post in the morning if I fail again. If no post I succeeded or am hospitalized . Thank you to everyone who commented kind things

 

[SilentSadness]

Your terrible experience is very distressing, however the cutting method is unlikely to work. It's understandable to want a way out of this cruel world at any cost, but it's important to be realistic. Jumping is also not a good idea if the apartment isn't very high. But I hope you find peace from your suffering.

 

[junko]

Struggled with partial and cutting for too long and lost the window of time I had where it was guaranteed no one would see, hear or interfere if I tried jumping or poisoning. Live next door to landlady. Walls are thin and shared. Poisoning via my method would result in loud and painful death. She'd be able to hear. Have to wait until she is gone or asleep

Will keep trying. Hoping to CTB by Monday. Will be quiet due to struggle to communicate. If no posts from this account by monday, have ctb. Short sentences in other threads to talk and support others

 

[wiinterfrost]

i am sorry to hear about your pain. i hope you find peace. i hope things get to go smoothly for you.
sorry to hear that it didn't go well, botched attempts can be very distressing. i'll be reading your updates.