It's like there's only one thing preventing me from CTB, but it will never happen.

[snooperdooper]

I firmly believe that the only barrier to being able to CTB is being able to get past my parents somehow. I talked about it before, but they have total control over most aspects of my life, leaving me with little independence. Although I was able to get SN one time, my parents intercepted the package. The only reason I'm stuck here is because every step of the way to getting SN and CTB requires me to circumvent my parents in some way. If they just had the capacity to understand my desire to CTB in a light that wasn't "ohhh suicide bad even tho ur struggling every day you can never ever die" then it would all be so much easier. But they will never ever be able to view it that way. And maybe if I was able to gain more independence I could get SN without their involvement, but you know the whole thing about depression sucking the energy and motivation out of you. God, it just sucks. There's nothing I can do! Oh my god!!! There's nothing I can do about it. And I just have to continue on knowing there's nothing I can do. THERES NOTHING I CAN DO! I just keep saying that cause it's so insane. I'm trapped.