Venting It's just stupid to keep going seeing all the circumstances.

[zherhk]

I deeply and rationally know that there couldn't be any turning point, even to 'backup' to the least fucked up reality is not an option.
Why should I still be.
The current situation is filled up with multiple and different issues, and the ones that I drag, and are the reason, since all these years can't be modified neither accepted by me.
When everytime I think all the fookin times I did stand up after a frontal crash and worked hard to minimize the effects and to find finally a way I irreparably crashed again and again later, for the issues' nature and unfavourable circumstances.
Why should I still be.
Why should I, for the umpteenth time, put hope in something again, deceive myself in what is just a fake promise of happiness, if I learnt from experience that is just a matter of time and I'll crash with raw reality again since the whole thing is too complicated and deep.
Doing that only meant one thing, feeling deep hurt, more and more.
Why should I, if there isn't a way to even shadow the emptiness that surrounds me for 1/10 of the time.
Why.

 

[Moonicide]

I'm sorry to hear you're struggling and in so much pain, love... When you are wounded it is so hard to put your hope and faith into anything. You have been burned, you are more cautious, you are even more exhausted. I can't blame you for not wanting to give it another chance. Sometimes feeling even more pain isn't worth it in the end. But I hope wherever life takes you, whatever you choose to do in the end, may you find peace. We are here for you and we are listening.

Sending you all of my love and support.

 

[Hopeindeath!]

I am so sorry for all of your pain. I hope it gets better for you. We are here for you.

 

[dyingtodie]

My personal answer to your question, which I have been asking myself over and over and over...is that I have felt this way in the past, and then my depression/suicidality has faded long enough for me to enjoy hiking and mountain biking and creating art and things like this... and yet I always seem to crash harder than before into depression, which I figure will one day kill me...maybe tonight...maybe not til next year. I'm loathing myself for not making art...but it just seems so pointless and futile, my abstract drawings that are really difficult/challenging for me to create in a way yet give me so much pleasure, just seems like unnecessary work... and like it couldn't possibly make any difference. Maybe it would or wont, but I've been too depressed for weeks to even take step #1 - finding my pens. ... they are right next to me, in my cluttered van... still too messed up to bother looking though. I hope you find what is best for you and that you find peace.