Help It's difficult to accept and grow, I am weak.

[Yuta32]

Hello guys . Today I woke up feeling really bad again. I'm aware that I have mental problems and I harm myself physically. The anxiety I feel is very strong and I have no motivation to do anything. I stopped following my routine two weeks ago. I believe there is no way out. I'm also aware that my relationship with my ex-partner wasn't harmful, she just showed me what a monster I am. I'm unfriendly, impulsive, emotionally dependent on her, and I don't care about anything else but her. Please don't misunderstand me, I never physically hurt her, only emotionally, especially towards the end, because I couldn't accept her decision. Even when we took a break, I treated her poorly on several occasions out of resentment. Then she broke up with me, and a week later, I reproached her decision and made her cry. I continued to insist, to the point of stalking her even when she was with another guy. I searched for her all over the university and approached her. I couldn't say anything more than "I'm sorry," and she looked at me with fear, telling me that if I ever loved her, I should leave her alone. I didn't want to leave that day because I felt that if I did, I would never come back. But in the end, I left. I'm pathetic, weak, and unfriendly. I never thought about her. The reason we ended was due to sexual issues on my part, psychological issues. I fell apart because we failed multiple times, but apart from that, I believed we were a good couple. It doesn't excuse what I did, but at that time, I thought I couldn't get through it without her. Since then, I've been trying to change and get to know myself better, but it feels impossible. Every time I'm alone and reflect on myself, I realize so many things I could have done differently, and I become aware of how weak I am. I detest myself. I still want to find her, but now it's become an obsession. The anxiety and depression it generates in me are overwhelming. Do you think there is a way out of this? Do you think I'm a real monster? Will I be able to learn from this and move forward? That's what I wanted, but I haven't been able to. My mind tortures me.