puppet_nihilist
cogito, ergo sum
- Jan 8, 2021
- 227
Hating yourself has got to be the quickest way to bring yourself to the brink of lunacy or psychosis. There's dissonance in every corner of your mind during every waking moment of the day. The self hatred is by its very nature self-absorbed too; it is a twisted kind of narcissism, and realizing that adds to your misery, to your dissonance, and to the self-hatred. I hate myself. I hate that what concerns me in the end is also myself even if it's in a negative and twisted way. I feel like vomiting just thinking about myself. I hate feeling pity for myself, it confuses me. I don't deserve nor need pity yet I feel it towards myself while at the same time feeling utter disgust at how I am feeling pity for myself. I hate how little I care about myself and how little I respect myself but it conflicts with how much I hate myself. It's hypocrisy.
I hate breathing and I hate the sound of my own voice, I hate how it reminds me of how my vocal cords are vibrating and how the insides of my body are functioning to keep a worthless and irredeemable meat bag alive. It's almost like the way my mind "wants to feel" and the functioning of my body interact in disharmony for the sole purpose of bringing to my attention the extreme dissonance between and how determined I am to eliminate my disgusting and atrocious existence and how powerless I am against my most basic, primal urges and animalistic tendencies.
I am not a victim but I am also not a transgressor. I switch between the two sides every second; I go from feeling like I am a very poor and unfortunate soul in one moment to feeling the weight of the world's sins on my shoulders the next. I have "depression" but I am also good at pretending.
But then I... I ask myself whether I actually hate myself or not, since I am still breathing, talking, eating, drinking, and shitting and being alive. This doesn't sound like something a person who truly hates themselves would do or keep doing. The only thing that's keeping me sane is a bit paradoxical, it's my being immersed in this ocean of self-hatred. This intense feeling of self loathe took the place of my consciousness. Under my name here on SS I wrote "cogito ergo sum" which means "I think, therefore I am." But for me it is "I loathe, therefore I am." Though this loathe is directed towards myself. And feeling it confirms my being. If I were an honest person I would've already killed myself. I prefer the coward's path, I will just keep searching for access to something like sn even though I know that burning myself to death would hardly give me the pain, torture, and punishment that I deserve. I really am a coward, I can't bring myself to end my life. I can't even say whether I truly hate myself or not because if I did I would've properly killed myself. I wonder if this is what going insane is like. Is this it? Did I get off the deep end? Who gives a fuck, I hope I don't wake up tomorrow... It will be really disappointing.
I hate breathing and I hate the sound of my own voice, I hate how it reminds me of how my vocal cords are vibrating and how the insides of my body are functioning to keep a worthless and irredeemable meat bag alive. It's almost like the way my mind "wants to feel" and the functioning of my body interact in disharmony for the sole purpose of bringing to my attention the extreme dissonance between and how determined I am to eliminate my disgusting and atrocious existence and how powerless I am against my most basic, primal urges and animalistic tendencies.
I am not a victim but I am also not a transgressor. I switch between the two sides every second; I go from feeling like I am a very poor and unfortunate soul in one moment to feeling the weight of the world's sins on my shoulders the next. I have "depression" but I am also good at pretending.
But then I... I ask myself whether I actually hate myself or not, since I am still breathing, talking, eating, drinking, and shitting and being alive. This doesn't sound like something a person who truly hates themselves would do or keep doing. The only thing that's keeping me sane is a bit paradoxical, it's my being immersed in this ocean of self-hatred. This intense feeling of self loathe took the place of my consciousness. Under my name here on SS I wrote "cogito ergo sum" which means "I think, therefore I am." But for me it is "I loathe, therefore I am." Though this loathe is directed towards myself. And feeling it confirms my being. If I were an honest person I would've already killed myself. I prefer the coward's path, I will just keep searching for access to something like sn even though I know that burning myself to death would hardly give me the pain, torture, and punishment that I deserve. I really am a coward, I can't bring myself to end my life. I can't even say whether I truly hate myself or not because if I did I would've properly killed myself. I wonder if this is what going insane is like. Is this it? Did I get off the deep end? Who gives a fuck, I hope I don't wake up tomorrow... It will be really disappointing.
