Help does anyone else feel better when they feel bad? like does that make sense?

[imreadyplayerone]

like feeling awful about myself and encouraging myself to harm my self. makes me feel whole, smarter, above it all idk.
like ignoring messages from friends and family makes me feel superior.
like suffering makes me better or maybe i'm just so up myself that i delude myself into thinking i like it when i actually hate it.

anyway tell me how wrong and dumb i am please

 

[interna]

yes. makes me feel revindicated almost

 

[callmer]

Sometimes just letting your negative feelings take over can be relieving yes. I definitely relate.

 

[RatoftheCity]

I think, for me at least, it's part of being passively suicidal; where you aren't able to make a more active approach so you use little things to kind of chip away at you. I'm definitely like this through the ways you mentioned, and avoiding seeking treatment for any medical issues I have. It could also be the satisfaction of having control over something when you feel that you're letting yourself slowly slip away, so instead you choose to slip away on purpose.

 

[dragonofenvy]

Every time I have hope and think things are good it backfires. It's like the universe is cruelly allowing me the opportunity to escape from this prison before closing it off and laughing at me for having the audacity to try to escape.

 

[Asuraa]

yea. i think so. It feels weird to feel better almost to me. So i don't like it and try to avoid it. though i know this is bad of course and yet i cant help it

 

[EDDIESTERS]

My therapist once asked me if depression was like a good friend.

 

[The Eternal One]

Every time I have hope and think things are good it backfires. It's like the universe is cruelly allowing me the opportunity to escape from this prison before closing it off and laughing at me for having the audacity to try to escape.

Unfortunately, I can strongly relate to this. Whenever things finally get better and I develop hope for the future, due to my consistent movement towards my goals, I immediately experience an insane pushback and crash, almost always through my mother doing something messed up and putting a hault to my plans. It's as if she feels when I become happy and immediately jumps on the opportunity to make sure my dreams crash and I can't proceed with what I wanted under any circumstances.
It's cruel beyond description and always kickstarts my suicidality from being passive to active phase.

If it wasn't for this constant back and forth, I'd have probably recovered from my SI years if not decades ago. To be forcibly removed from deserved fruit of your labor is soul crushing beyond description. I'm really sorry you had to experience this, as well. I'd not wish this on my worst enemy.
I'm wishing us both to one day finally break this viscious cycle. Sending you virtual hugs!

 

[unrulydeerly]

Absolutely. For me it's two main reasons, the first is because I can tell I'm actually feeling something and I'm not just numb. The second reason is because a part of me wants to give up and feeling bad in the moment makes me feel like my thoughts are valid and maybe I'll actually go through with it.