It’s been a year since I bought my N I’m still here

[a_strange_day]

I keep pushing the date back, and everytime it gets closer I find reasons to pospone it again.

whats wrong with me, I really have nothing left to lose, no family, no friends, nothing worthy. My social interactions are totally non existants, I dont work, spend my days watching shit on TV, sleeping, eating when I remember I have to, Im already dead somewhat.
I dont believe in god or in an afterlife, so whats keeps me here ?

I start to think that I'm just a coward, I'd rather live like shit than just die, I've become so weak that I cant even kill myself. my worst fear is getting older and ending up trapped inside myself until I die from natural causes

anyone else ?

sorry for the rant

 

[Beautifulletdown]

You shouldn't apologize for sharing how you feel. It's important to get out of your head as I know it can be a dangerous place. I don't think you're a coward and there isn't a certain time that you have to ctb, useless you want there to be one. I totally feel ya about living a shit life but yet still being here. Try not to beat yourself up. Just my 2 cents but you don't have to take it.

 

[calendulo]

Yes i am agree, no offense but yes, you are and I understand you.
I am taking my time too, two months.
Maybe, You will do a try soon.
It is a private issue, just affects you. When you want do it.....you will do it.
It is good for me. you do not feel bad.

 

[RainAndSadness]

Same here. I received my N back in July 2018. And I'm still here. So I can totally relate to your situation.

 

[Jean Améry]

Suicide is not something you absolutely must do: it's solely up to you to decide whether it's appropriate or not.

If you feel like you can't take that step perhaps you could try to change your life to make it more meaningful to you. If you detest your eating habits change them. If you feel like watching TV is a waste of time (which it probably is) go to the library and read books or look up information online. If you're out of work see if no-one will hire you.

Of course I don't know your situation and I don't mean to lecture you but if option A (suicide) is not in the cards I think it's time to try option B (life).

As to the difficulty of finding work: I know what that's like as I was unemployed for a long time. If no-one will hire you some sort of schooling in a useful subject is probably not a bad idea.

 

[calendulo]

I'll be honest, almost three months.

 

[Fr2]

@a_strange_day , you have nothing to lose, but maybe you have something to gain? I'm totally not saying that you are gaining it, I mean that maybe at the back of your head you think something could be gained? A very feeble hope for something. Maybe it's worth trying to identify what that something is about?
...Just my two cents, which I learned don't mean shit. I only know what helps or would help me, I'm dumb when it comes to other people.

 

[gulrotpinne]

Also feeling a little bit of the same. I am too weak to do anything in my life. I just lie in my bed all day and do nothing except watching youtube videos. I don't have the energy in me to suicide, but i really want to. I am hopingi will find the energy soon.

 

[a_strange_day]

Same here. I received my N back in July 2018. And I'm still here. So I can totally relate to your situation.

thank you @RainAndSadness, may I ask what keeps you here ? some fear or just because your date has not been set yet ?

Suicide is not something you absolutely must do: it's solely up to you to decide whether it's appropriate or not.

If you feel like you can't take that step perhaps you could try to change your life to make it more meaningful to you. If you detest your eating habits change them. If you feel like watching TV is a waste of time (which it probably is) go to the library and read books or look up information online. If you're out of work see if no-one will hire you.

Of course I don't know your situation and I don't mean to lecture you but if option A (suicide) is not in the cards I think it's time to try option B (life).

As to the difficulty of finding work: I know what that's like as I was unemployed for a long time. If no-one will hire you some sort of schooling in a useful subject is probably not a bad idea.

thank you but I'm well past all that believe me, I already tried everything, it has nothing to do with work or eating habits etc
I've been like that for 25 years, MDD/BPD/Mixed personalities etc, but now depression has definitely taken over and I really dont want anything more than end this

I've been officially declared a "lost cause" some month ago by my shrink and a bunch of experts, there's nothing to do for me anymore and I dont even want to get better anyway

so it has nothing to do with some residual hope

 

[GreyMonkey]

What do you think has you hold back?

You proclaim yourself a lost cause with nothing to live for, and yet you continue to live.

If there was something to live for what would it be? Is it just the fear of dying?

 

[woxihuanni]

Oh wow. It would be nice if people in possession of N but not desperate to use it could forward it to people who need it immediately, at a profit. But of course that's not going o happen...

 

[Final_frontier]

I envy you guys. If i had N, i'd drink it up right now. I need it so bad. If any of you find hope in life and dont need it anymore, would you sell it to me?

 

[Prideathwish]

Also feeling a little bit of the same. I am too weak to do anything in my life. I just lie in my bed all day and do nothing except watching youtube videos. I don't have the energy in me to suicide, but i really want to. I am hopingi will find the energy soon.

Same herr

 

[Donewith_]

I'm kinda similar..I don't do anything
And i know people around me are getting hurt by me
It sucks.

 

[a_strange_day]

What do you think has you hold back?

You proclaim yourself a lost cause with nothing to live for, and yet you continue to live.

If there was something to live for what would it be? Is it just the fear of dying?

i think it's fear, it's not so easy to kill yourself when you arent impulsive

 

[Sever]

Same here. SN, nearly 2 months. I don't know why the fuck i freaked out but I was planning to do it at the beginning of July. Now I even doubt I will be able to do it at all

 

[calendulo]

i think it's fear, it's not so easy to kill yourself when you arent impulsive

No, I do not think it, just now is not the right MOMENT, sometimes your life can change radically in just one moment.
Yo have the control and your reasons to do not it yet are accurates because them belong you, just you.


Edit: It is just an opinion, external opinion.

 

[Berlin76]

I had my N and had my attempt last week.
I failed because my Domperidone did not work well for me. Only had a sip a started gaging so had to spit it out and abort it.

Now have to start over again.

 

[a_strange_day]

just to clarify, I've been living with those "conditions" for a long time, it started when I was 14 and got worse with the years
I know myself well and I know how to cope, I am not an impulsive person, thats why I've never been sent in a ward or anywhere else
I'm unresponsive to any therapy, I dont believe in it anyway, some meds help a little, like benzos, but I've been taking it for so long that it's somewhat just a placebo now, so I keep it for emergencies only

I've been thinking about death my whole life, I've never made any "attempt" before, I knew that a day I would just be ready and I made sure to have the right tools for that day

so now I'm stuck here, by fear of I dont even know what, and that pisses me off. I just hope some of you are right by saying that Im just not ready yet
maybe I just have to relax a little and wait for the right time.

thank you everyone
sorry my english sucks :)

I had my N and had my attempt last week.
I failed because my Domperidone did not work well for me. Only had a sip a started gaging so had to spit it out and abort it.

Now have to start over again.

what went wrong with domperidone ?

 

[Shamana]

just to clarify, I've been living with those "conditions" for a long time, it started when I was 14 and got worse with the years
I know myself well and I know how to cope, I am not an impulsive person, thats why I've never been sent in a ward or anywhere else
I'm unresponsive to any therapy, I dont believe in it anyway, some meds help a little, like benzos, but I've been taking it for so long that it's somewhat just a placebo now, so I keep it for emergencies only

I've been thinking about death my whole life, I've never made any "attempt" before, I knew that a day I would just be ready and I made sure to have the right tools for that day

so now I'm stuck here, by fear of I dont even know what, and that pisses me off. I just hope some of you are right by saying that Im just not ready yet
maybe I just have to relax a little and wait for the right time.

thank you everyone
sorry my english sucks :)


what went wrong with domperidone ?

The complete self destruction of suicide is a complete normal thing to be wary about even if your life is shitty. Its a final and fatal act. Its not something that can be triviliased.

 

[calendulo]

The complete self destruction of suicide is a complete normal thing to be wary about even if your life is shitty. Its a final and fatal act. Its not something that can be triviliased.

And why not can be triviliased?. I try do it. Today I did read a post, a guy had into fridge 25grs sodium pentobarbitol with a label what warned "do not consume" and he say his mother threw it to garbage or something like this.
What can I do after reading this?, I could not stop laughing....total normality, supernatural.

Self destruction sounds me like Bible belt, too much strong. I rather self deliverance

 

[Ἡγησίας]

Unfortunately for many of us, the desire to die is not always accompanied by the courage to commit suicide. Worst situation I guess.

 

[Berlin76]

just to clarify, I've been living with those "conditions" for a long time, it started when I was 14 and got worse with the years
I know myself well and I know how to cope, I am not an impulsive person, thats why I've never been sent in a ward or anywhere else
I'm unresponsive to any therapy, I dont believe in it anyway, some meds help a little, like benzos, but I've been taking it for so long that it's somewhat just a placebo now, so I keep it for emergencies only

I've been thinking about death my whole life, I've never made any "attempt" before, I knew that a day I would just be ready and I made sure to have the right tools for that day

so now I'm stuck here, by fear of I dont even know what, and that pisses me off. I just hope some of you are right by saying that Im just not ready yet
maybe I just have to relax a little and wait for the right time.

thank you everyone
sorry my english sucks :)


what went wrong with domperidone ?

I know what you mean
Since 5 years now i have my death wish.
In and out therapy just sick of it and have no energy left for anything and dont want it any more.

Well domperidon was not potent enough.
I still had gage reflexes when i took a bit.
And getting all 200ml in is hardd with gaging. So had to abort it and get new N Powder to just minimize the amounts that i have to drink.

 

[Shamana]

And why not can be triviliased?. I try do it. Today I did read a post, a guy had into fridge 25grs sodium pentobarbitol with a label what warned "do not consume" and he say his mother threw it to garbage or something like this.
What can I do after reading this?, I could not stop laughing....total normality, supernatural.

Self destruction sounds me like Bible belt, too much strong. I rather self deliverance

Whatever perspective you have suicide is not trivial.

 

[calendulo]

And getting all 200ml in is hardd with gaging. So had to abort it and get new N Powder to just minimize the amounts that i have to drink.

200 ml are 12,5 grms. I think that will not be difference if you take 9 grms or 150 ml.
Do you try to mix it?, juice, syrop, something like that, some product what you like, with a good taste.

 

[Prideathwish]

F

 

[Sirius]

I have seen, with those granted medical assistance for terminal illness, at once so keen to get approved, get the cocktail and then die of the natural progression of the illness. It IS, in MANY cases, the idea of having the control, the means, that makes every day alive more tolerable.
Store it well. It lasts a good long time.No hurry

 

[Berlin76]

200 ml are 12,5 grms. I think that will not be difference if you take 9 grms or 150 ml.
Do you try to mix it?, juice, syrop, something like that, some product what you like, with a good taste.

Yeah i mixed it with syrup but even that did not work.

 

[Jean Améry]

thank you but I'm well past all that believe me, I already tried everything, it has nothing to do with work or eating habits etc
I've been like that for 25 years, MDD/BPD/Mixed personalities etc, but now depression has definitely taken over and I really dont want anything more than end this

I've been officially declared a "lost cause" some month ago by my shrink and a bunch of experts, there's nothing to do for me anymore and I dont even want to get better anyway

so it has nothing to do with some residual hope

In that case it seems you're pretty much screwed I'm afraid. I hope you will find the courage to either live or die: to be in limbo is downright horrible.

I'll admit I don't really know what to say in cases like this. Except maybe that it is my opinion that psychopathology is not a science and psychiatrists and other 'mental health professionals' are not experts and don't know much about these problems. Certainly not enough to declare anyone 'a lost cause' which imo is nothing more than a direct assault on your dignity and value as a human-being.

The best of luck to you.

 

[Aliaiactaest]

I had my N and had my attempt last week.
I failed because my Domperidone did not work well for me. Only had a sip a started gaging so had to spit it out and abort it.

Now have to start over again.

So you tried to drink the N and could not even get it down? Was it because the taste was that bad?