It’s been a year since I bought my N I’m still here

[a_strange_day]

Except maybe that it is my opinion that psychopathology is not a science and psychiatrists and other 'mental health professionals' are not experts and don't know much about these problems. Certainly not enough to declare anyone 'a lost cause' which imo is nothing more than a direct assault on your dignity and value as a human-being.

The best of luck to you.

I know what you mean, but they had to decide if there was still opportunities for improvement or not, it was requested by social insurances to make a decision about my entitlement to a pension, disability or whatever, that's how it works in my country
they clearly stated that from their pov I've lived with that for so long that there was no chances I would ever get better, good to know, at least now they leave me alone.

thank you, good luck to you too

Unfortunately for many of us, the desire to die is not always accompanied by the courage to commit suicide. Worst situation I guess.

so true

 

[Jean Améry]

I know what you mean, but they had to decide if there was still opportunities for improvement or not, it was requested by social insurances to make a decision about my entitlement to a pension, disability or whatever, that's how it works in my country
they clearly stated that from their pov I've lived with that for so long that there was no chances I would ever get better, good to know, at least now they leave me alone.

I understand. It's good that you do not take their word to be the gospel truth.

It seems you live in Europe. Given the abysmal prognosis by these 'experts' perhaps you could look into the possibility of euthanasia for unbearable mental suffering in The Netherlands or Belgium?

In theory N should provide a good, certain death but if you think medical assistance might make it easier for you maybe it's worth checking out.

 

[a_strange_day]

So you tried to drink the N and could not even get it down? Was it because the taste was that bad?

the taste is awful, I tried it when I took a sample in order to test it, its disgusting, but not impossible
almost the same that some crushed aspirin under the tongue

I understand. It's good that you do not take their word to be the gospel truth.

It seems you live in Europe. Given the abysmal prognosis by these 'experts' perhaps you could look into the possibility of euthanasia for unbearable mental suffering in The Netherlands or Belgium?

In theory N should provide a good, certain death but if you think medical assistance might make it easier for you maybe it's worth checking out.

I thought about that in the past but I find the process definitely humiliating, it's like begging for the right to die, and I dont even talk about all the paperwork
and ultimately for what ? just so someone will give you the drink/IV

I knew someone who went through this and believe me it's not as pretty and easy as it looks, even for an old and almost terminally ill person

I've always been a very independant person, so I'll have to figure it out myself :)

 

[Berlin76]

So you tried to drink the N and could not even get it down? Was it because the taste was that bad?

Yes the taste is awful it is for iv so it is so chemical the taste. In the old days i took xtc even that is more tasty to swallow.
I had domperidon for 2 days and it was not safe with it. So need powder and meto.

 

[Blackjack]

Does unopened/sealed liquid N ever expire?

 

[Aliaiactaest]

Yes, but I'm told it is still good for at least 2 years beyond the expiration date.

 

[calendulo]

Yes the taste is awful it is for iv so it is so chemical the taste. In the old days i took xtc even that is more tasty to swallow.
I had domperidon for 2 days and it was not safe with it. So need powder and meto.

Of course, It is a veterinary medication; but mixing it might not have so problems.
In all concoctions or recipes I've read it is warned.
Take antiemetices two days before is useless, have to take it 1 hour before and several tablets. I had a report from death with dignity association of Oregon and they exactly claim this procedure about antiemetics.

Does unopened/sealed liquid N ever expire?

Yes of course. It oxidizes.

 

[pane]

Does unopened/sealed liquid N ever expire?

Several members have said before that the liquid Nembutal from A has an expiration date on the bottle, typically 1-2 years past the current year. Powdered Nembutal will stay good for many years (don't have an approximate number on that) if you preserve it properly. The PPEH has instructions on how to store Nembutal powder for the long-term.

 

[a_strange_day]

Does unopened/sealed liquid N ever expire?

PN has said many times that if properly stored and unopened shelf life > 20 years

 

[JimFord99]

Is N actually available in pill form? As in a powdered form I mean.

 

[Blackjack]

Is N actually available in pill form? As in a powdered form I mean.

There's supposed to be a new supplier of powdered Nembutal from China mentioned in the latest PPEH.

 

[Dead beat dad]

I keep pushing the date back, and everytime it gets closer I find reasons to pospone it again.

whats wrong with me, I really have nothing left to lose, no family, no friends, nothing worthy. My social interactions are totally non existants, I dont work, spend my days watching shit on TV, sleeping, eating when I remember I have to, Im already dead somewhat.
I dont believe in god or in an afterlife, so whats keeps me here ?

I start to think that I'm just a coward, I'd rather live like shit than just die, I've become so weak that I cant even kill myself. my worst fear is getting older and ending up trapped inside myself until I die from natural causes

anyone else ?

sorry for the rant

I understand where you're at here brother, there are probably scores of us out there who have walked back from the ledge, taken the noose from our necks and lowered the guns from our heads. I have said this before but for me it the old chestnut of being tired of living, but scared of dying.
You're not a coward, if anything you're actually pretty nails for having the exit door right there but staying, in my opinion there is nothing wrong with that.
I wish you peace brother and even if you keep saying 'one more day' for the next however long, this is not wrong or bad, just human, like everyone else. Good luck friend.
DBD

 

[calendulo]

PN has said many times that if properly stored and unopened shelf life > 20 years

That sounds very weird but, just in case, you should not try it in 2039.

 

[RainAndSadness]

thank you @RainAndSadness, may I ask what keeps you here ? some fear or just because your date has not been set yet ?

Both. I don't have a clear date yet. I attempted a few months ago and checked into a hotel but I was unable to drink my N and now I'm very careful and considerate about my next attempt. I don't want to repeat the same mistakes again because it happened on impulse and my next attempt needs to be successful. I want to feel 'ready' for my exit but that's the issue, I don't think that's the case yet. It's very difficult for me to overcome my survival instinct. I don't really want to be alive, I don't fear death and I don't have any hopes left either. I'm just existing right now. I wake up, eat, watch TV, play games - same schedule as you described. Just wasting my time. And rotting. I already feel like a corpse and it's just a matter of time. But it sucks, as you described. Most people in this forum left and we're still here. But I have my N and that gives me peace. I know I can end it whenever I want to and maybe that's the reason why I'm not rushing to kill myself. I basically have all the time in the world now. And I'm invincible, thanks to my N. Whatever happens in this planet, I always have the power to leave. I don't have to let anything affect me anymore. And nobody can take that away from me. And that feels damn good. I'm rotting and my life is pure shit but at least I feel in control. I decide when it's enough. And I decide when I'm gonna leave.

 

[Blackjack]

Both. I don't have a clear date yet. I attempted a few months ago and checked into a hotel but I was unable to drink my N and now I'm very careful and considerate about my next attempt. I don't want to repeat the same mistakes again because it happened on impulse and my next attempt needs to be successful. I want to feel 'ready' for my exit but that's the issue, I don't think that's the case yet. It's very difficult for me to overcome my survival instinct. I don't really want to be alive, I don't fear death and I don't have any hopes left either. I'm just existing right now. I wake up, eat, watch TV, play games - same schedule as you described. Just wasting my time. And rotting. I already feel like a corpse and it's just a matter of time. But it sucks, as you described. Most people in this forum left and we're still here. But I have my N and that gives me peace. I know I can end it whenever I want to and maybe that's the reason why I'm not rushing to kill myself. I basically have all the time in the world now. And I'm invincible, thanks to my N. Whatever happens in this planet, I always have the power to leave. I don't have to let anything affect me anymore. And nobody can take that away from me. And that feels damn good. I'm rotting and my life is pure shit but at least I feel in control. I decide when it's enough. And I decide when I'm gonna leave.

Can I ask why you were "unable" to drink your N?

 

[Aliaiactaest]

I'll answer that question as I was recently in a similar position. (Of course, she can answer as well.) It is SI at its best and worst. SI is no big deal until you come to that last moment and then it's tough. It's easy to make up excuses. I was in a hotel. I took a shower. I walked, nude, past the obligatory full-length mirror and decided that, for 58 years, I didn't look so bad body wise--reasonably trim and probably fewer love handles than when I was in college. I thought, why should this body go right now? Also, I was hungry. Why not get a bite to eat? Why not make a few calls. Why not just do it another time? Why not give myself another day or two, or week?

 

[GreyMonkey]

just to clarify, I've been living with those "conditions" for a long time, it started when I was 14 and got worse with the years
I know myself well and I know how to cope, I am not an impulsive person, thats why I've never been sent in a ward or anywhere else
I'm unresponsive to any therapy, I dont believe in it anyway, some meds help a little, like benzos, but I've been taking it for so long that it's somewhat just a placebo now, so I keep it for emergencies only

I've been thinking about death my whole life, I've never made any "attempt" before, I knew that a day I would just be ready and I made sure to have the right tools for that day

so now I'm stuck here, by fear of I dont even know what, and that pisses me off. I just hope some of you are right by saying that Im just not ready yet
maybe I just have to relax a little and wait for the right time.

thank you everyone
sorry my english sucks :)

I'm still so curious about this.

It sounds like you are afraid to die and afraid to live. It makes sense to me. I feel some version of that for myself.

I still have this feeling of wanting to know what it is you are waiting for? Or what it is you are so scared of?

I'm definitely scared of exiting. I don't know what comes next and that is quite worrying to me. I get
how I would need to feel massively impulsive and incredibly despairing at the same time to do it myself.

Do you ever take your N out and look at it and try to work yourself up to it? It's it in the fridge? It's it on your mind often?

 

[CURSED again]

Oh wow. It would be nice if people in possession of N but not desperate to use it could forward it to people who need it immediately, at a profit. But of course that's not going o happen...

I envy you guys. If i had N, i'd drink it up right now. I need it so bad. If any of you find hope in life and dont need it anymore, would you sell it to me?

So many people needing N (myself included). Hopefully the Chinese powder source will help with the situation. I keep hoping the Debreather mask will be available soon - that would be awesome.

 

[calendulo]

So many people needing N (myself included). Hopefully the Chinese powder source will help with the situation. I keep hoping the Debreather mask will be available soon - that would be awesome.

What's a debreather mask?. I never heard anything about it.

 

[pane]

What's a debreather mask?. I never heard anything about it.

It's a device you put over your mouth/nose that's supposed to peacefully and painlessly induce death. In simple terms, it's a readymade device for using the inert gas concept to commit suicide but you don't have to buy a tank of nitrogen and out a bag over your head.

The debreather was supposed to be released about a month ago but the manufacturer was having some issues plus Dr. Nitschke said in a recent newsletter that he's doing some testing on it before it's released to the public for sale.

Do a search here using the term "debreather". It's been discussed before.

 

[ihatepain]

I keep pushing the date back, and everytime it gets closer I find reasons to pospone it again.

whats wrong with me, I really have nothing left to lose, no family, no friends, nothing worthy. My social interactions are totally non existants, I dont work, spend my days watching shit on TV, sleeping, eating when I remember I have to, Im already dead somewhat.
I dont believe in god or in an afterlife, so whats keeps me here ?

I start to think that I'm just a coward, I'd rather live like shit than just die, I've become so weak that I cant even kill myself. my worst fear is getting older and ending up trapped inside myself until I die from natural causes

anyone else ?

sorry for the rant

If you give me your bottle of N, I will worship you like a god. PLEASE!!!

 

[calendulo]

It's a device you put over your mouth/nose that's supposed to peacefully and painlessly induce death. In simple terms, it's a readymade device for using the inert gas concept to commit suicide but you don't have to buy a tank of nitrogen and out a bag over your head.

The debreather was supposed to be released about a month ago but the manufacturer was having some issues plus Dr. Nitschke said in a recent newsletter that he's doing some testing on it before it's released to the public for sale.

Do a search here using the term "debreather". It's been discussed before.

Ah!, a gadget curious, guess it will be similar than exit bag or a plastic bag to be used when it takes benzos as method, just similar although both were differents.
Thanks for explanation. So kind

If you give me your bottle of N, I will worship you like a god. PLEASE!!!

After one year opened, It is not very likely that N works, although until data expiration N should be ok.
Too much risky to me.

 

[Mbound]

I had my N and had my attempt last week.
I failed because my Domperidone did not work well for me. Only had a sip a started gaging so had to spit it out and abort it.

Now have to start over again.

Fuck, this is my exact fear. I am going to swish some benzocaine (numbing) around in my mouth, coat my tongue with honey and plug my nose and hope for the best. But I am so worried about vomiting. Ugh.

One question tho—how much domperidone did you take? Did you just do the two days of 10mg every 8 hours? I was planning on taking 40mg domperidone a half hour before along with 12mg ondasterone (Zofran). I also have Meto but I'm very prone to EPS effects so if I took any of that I'd have to take it with a some Benadryl or Dramamine..

 

[Berlin76]

Fuck, this is my exact fear. I am going to swish some benzocaine (numbing) around in my mouth, coat my tongue with honey and plug my nose and hope for the best. But I am so worried about vomiting. Ugh.

One question tho—how much domperidone did you take? Did you just do the two days of 10mg every 8 hours? I was planning on taking 40mg domperidone a half hour before along with 12mg ondasterone (Zofran). I also have Meto but I'm very prone to EPS effects so if I took any of that I'd have to take it with a some Benadryl or Dramamine..

I was on domperidon for 2 days.
For me it was not good wish i had meto or zofran. Send me a private message

 

[a_strange_day]

Both. I don't have a clear date yet. I attempted a few months ago and checked into a hotel but I was unable to drink my N and now I'm very careful and considerate about my next attempt. I don't want to repeat the same mistakes again because it happened on impulse and my next attempt needs to be successful. I want to feel 'ready' for my exit but that's the issue, I don't think that's the case yet. It's very difficult for me to overcome my survival instinct. I don't really want to be alive, I don't fear death and I don't have any hopes left either. I'm just existing right now. I wake up, eat, watch TV, play games - same schedule as you described. Just wasting my time. And rotting. I already feel like a corpse and it's just a matter of time. But it sucks, as you described. Most people in this forum left and we're still here. But I have my N and that gives me peace. I know I can end it whenever I want to and maybe that's the reason why I'm not rushing to kill myself. I basically have all the time in the world now. And I'm invincible, thanks to my N. Whatever happens in this planet, I always have the power to leave. I don't have to let anything affect me anymore. And nobody can take that away from me. And that feels damn good. I'm rotting and my life is pure shit but at least I feel in control. I decide when it's enough. And I decide when I'm gonna leave.

you are right, this is the best way to see things, I'll have to stop pushing myself just because of some stupid fear of going past the deadline. thank you

I'm still so curious about this.

It sounds like you are afraid to die and afraid to live. It makes sense to me. I feel some version of that for myself.

I still have this feeling of wanting to know what it is you are waiting for? Or what it is you are so scared of?

I'm definitely scared of exiting. I don't know what comes next and that is quite worrying to me. I get
how I would need to feel massively impulsive and incredibly despairing at the same time to do it myself.

Do you ever take your N out and look at it and try to work yourself up to it? It's it in the fridge? It's it on your mind often?

I think I'm just afraid to die, it's not so easy to do. I've fantasized about death all my life but once you really face it its another thing

there is the fact too that I started benzos withdrawal four weeks ago in order to make sure it doesn't interfere with the N. I've been a strong benzos user for the past 20 years and there is great chances that a cross tolerance exists, and even if its not the first time for me I think I'm kind of on the edge

If you give me your bottle of N, I will worship you like a god. PLEASE!!!

no way ! I'm gonna use it one day. and anyway I wouldn't like to be worshipped like a god, sadly I dont have the ego for that

It's a device you put over your mouth/nose that's supposed to peacefully and painlessly induce death. In simple terms, it's a readymade device for using the inert gas concept to commit suicide but you don't have to buy a tank of nitrogen and out a bag over your head.

The debreather was supposed to be released about a month ago but the manufacturer was having some issues plus Dr. Nitschke said in a recent newsletter that he's doing some testing on it before it's released to the public for sale.

Do a search here using the term "debreather". It's been discussed before.

that would definitely be one of the best ways to go, but from what I have seen they are still a long way from getting it right

 

[pane]

that would definitely be one of the best ways to go, but from what I have seen they are still a long way from getting it right

Can you please explain why you say the debreather is a long way from being ready?

 

[a_strange_day]

Can you please explain why you say the debreather is a long way from being ready?

I didn't mean that in a negative way but it's not the first time they are saying it's gonna be available soon
but more important it has never been really tested and if I remember correctly in the livestream on July 6, Dr PN wasn't all positive about the debreather.
He said that the mask could possibly leak out gas, as the structure of the face changes during the process.

so until there is some real tests done and validation from Exit Int I wouldn't call it done, and it can take time.
but again it's just my opinion and I really hope I'm wrong

 

[CURSED again]

I didn't mean that in a negative way but it's not the first time they are saying it's gonna be available soon
but more important it has never been really tested and if I remember correctly in the livestream on July 6, Dr PN wasn't all positive about the debreather.
He said that the mask could possibly leak out gas, as the structure of the face changes during the process.

so until there is some real tests done and validation from Exit Int I wouldn't call it done, and it can take time.
but again it's just my opinion and I really hope I'm wrong

well it would be great if one of you very plugged in posters eventually can give updates or basic thumbs up or down etc. Outcome of the debeather can influence my decision making as to methods since i don't have N. thank you

 

[vonvonwantpeace]

sell it to me.

 

[woxihuanni]

sell it to me.

Yep, what wouldn't one give for N?