It's been 7 months since I survived taking SN

[Kayla]

As the title says, it's been 7 months since I somehow survived sn. 7 months since people should have lost me, but somehow, as always, I managed to survive despite having a cardiac arrest and a methb level of 97%. Physically, I've recovered apart from my hands being different colours, and I still have the constant tiredness. The scar on my neck from the tracheostomy is still visible, but barely. Mentally, I'm still fucked. As soon as I got out of the hospital, I reordered the sn. It's a comfort knowing I have this way out. It's my birthday this month, and I don't know how to feel. I shouldn't be here. My family is still massively toxic, and they're draining to be around. I'm still angry at the hospital for contacting them. I finally got tattoos over my self-harm scars on my arm, but now I've just started on my legs. My friends don't understand me, and one of them told me I should move on regarding the sn attempt. How am I meant to move on from the fact that I died? I sort of have a suicide plan, but some of it all depends on when things happen, for example, when I get my driving licence back (fuck you UK police). I've decided I want to drive somewhere nice to ctb, that's the least I can do for myself after all I've been through. I'm still on loads of medication, which is annoying, but it's helping. Back in August, I adopted 2 older cats from a rescue, and I love them both to bits, but I feel selfish knowing that at some point I'm going to leave them forever. Hopefully, by March/April/ I should have my licence and car sorted, but who knows. I've started letting people take photos of me because I know that will be all they have once I'm gone. A lot of the stuff I have done in the past few months has been so that people will have good memories to remember me by rather then the bad ones. If anyone is wondering about my sn attempt, I've made a couple of posts about it, but feel free to ask me questions!!


A huge thank you to @Dante_ for just being here for me.

@SecretDissociation and @finalgoodbye:( - I still think of you both, and I hope you found your peace.

 

[LunarLynx]

Hey !
I'm sorry to hear that shitty story, I don't know why the hospital try to "save" you when it's clearly a suicide attempt. If they don't want people to have assisted suicide, just let them do it in peace. You should be able to have on your arm a thing like "DNR" but for suicide attempt, so when you're found you won't get "save" (which is the real save)

Hope you're next attempt will be successful, or that you find hapiness in your life and turn away from these thoughts.

Lot of love for you and your 2 cats (if you want to CTB, open a windows / doors so your cats won't stay at your place and miss food / water until you're found ! <3)

 

[ilovenewyork]

Can you tell me about the heart rate and difficulty breathing in the attempt? You were gasping for breath?

 

[opheliaoveragain]

sending hugs to you unmet friend

 

[Jisatsu]

One of my sn attempt went like that too ... I ended up in hospital as soon as i arrived i started to have a heart attack ... I woke up intubated... and with a week of being in the psych ward I attempted with kn like a month later.... this was 3 months ago now.

 

[Sleeper System]

One of my sn attempt went like that too ... I ended up in hospital as soon as i arrived i started to have a heart attack ... I woke up intubated... and with a week of being in the psych ward I attempted with kn like a month later.... this was 3 months ago now.

Curious what your living and financial situation is to be able to make these attempts and some how still return to regular life. Do you have a supportive family or finances that allow this?

 

[android]

How are there multiple failures..? Are you guys doing something wrong? This is scaring me quite a bit, I was planning on SN but I have no room for failure. Have you considered SN + jumping or a combination of other methods?

 

[Dante_]

How are there multiple failures..? Are you guys doing something wrong? This is scaring me quite a bit, I was planning on SN but I have no room for failure. Have you considered SN + jumping or a combination of other methods?

Generally, there's risks with everything in life, that's just how it goes and well things happen where people do end up surviving attempts.

 

[madameviolette]

How are there multiple failures..? Are you guys doing something wrong? This is scaring me quite a bit, I was planning on SN but I have no room for failure. Have you considered SN + jumping or a combination of other methods?

They are saved, they went to hospital. Unless your are saved it's unlikely you'll survive

 

[Kayla]

Can you tell me about the heart rate and difficulty breathing in the attempt? You were gasping for breath?

I can't remember loads from the attempt. https://sanctioned-suicide.net/threads/comprehensive-medical-records-from-sn-attempt.216957/ These are my medical records if you wanna have a look.

Curious what your living and financial situation is to be able to make these attempts and some how still return to regular life. Do you have a supportive family or finances that allow this?

Well, for me. I'm on benefits as I can't work, and my family is part of the reason why I am this way.

 

[dalemar]

You failed because you "only" took 7g of SN, no AE and you were found, right?

 

[fadedghost]

How are there multiple failures..? Are you guys doing something wrong? This is scaring me quite a bit, I was planning on SN but I have no room for failure. Have you considered SN + jumping or a combination of other methods?

I think it's people who are like "I can't take this! I fucking hate life! I don't care what the PPH or people on SaSu say, I don't need emetics!" and then they go into a bathroom of the family home with family there, raw dog a cup of SN, throw all of it up, and then family come in and call an ambulance and they get the help and attention they must want.

I think when that happens, those people weren't actually really wanting to die and wanted attention, because SN often doesn't work without emetics. It's still possible to die... but it's much less likely. It could also be that because of Survival Instinct they are unable to do things the proper way also. It's hard to know. It seems strange to me. If I take SN, which is likely to happen sadly, I will almost certainly be following the protocol exactly unless it's a really extraordinary circumstance, ie there's a welfare check and i know the police are trying to find me and i grab SN and run and forget to bring the emetics with me.

 

[nobodycaresaboutme]

I'm truly sorry for what you experienced. Thank you for sharing this tough story with us. It's the best to measure the weight of your SN and take AE if you attempted again (though I hope you'll never need to choose that way again). I really want you not to go through another failed attempt.

You failed because you "only" took 7g of SN, no AE and you were found, right?

I think it's 70g but don't know it's actually 70g because it seems OP did it without measuring the SN.

I survived taking Sn - My experience.

On the 16th of May I took sn. The police had been called because they knew I had it and I panicked and took it. I started turning blue but it was peaceful. I cant remember much from that day but I know i was sat in the bathroom. The air ambulance got called and I got air lifted to hospital, when...

sanctioned-suicide.net

 

[dalemar]

70g? that's a lot, even without AE. OP might be immortal, unless kinda all the SN was thrown up.

 

[nobodycaresaboutme]

70g? that's a lot, even without AE. OP might be immortal, unless kinda all the SN was thrown up.

More SN doesn't mean higher reliablity. It is very important to follow the protocol.

 

[dalemar]

More SN doesn't mean higher reliablity. It is very important to follow the protocol.

Of course. That's a massive dose though.

 

[Kayla]

70g? that's a lot, even without AE. OP might be immortal, unless kinda all the SN was thrown up.

More SN doesn't mean higher reliablity. It is very important to follow the protocol.

I took 7g. The ambulance worker put 70g by mistake.

 

[dalemar]

I took 7g. The ambulance worker put 70g by mistake.

Do you remember how much water did you use?
If you had been fasted, with AE and without help, I think you would have succeeded, with only 7g, that's crazy.

 

[nobodycaresaboutme]

I took 7g. The ambulance worker put 70g by mistake.

Sorry and thank you for correcting me. 7g was quite insufficient and probably this looks like the reason...

 

[Jisatsu]

Curious what your living and financial situation is to be able to make these attempts and some how still return to regular life. Do you have a supportive family or finances that allow this?

I had people that put up with me until they couldn't and family that doesn't care...

 

[Kayla]

Do you remember how much water did you use?
If you had been fasted, with AE and without help, I think you would have succeeded, with only 7g, that's crazy.

i took it in a fanta bottle. Lemon fanta to be exact lol

 

[Sleeper System]

I had people that put up with me until they couldn't and family that doesn't care...

So you're not alone alone. Some system of support is better than absolutely no one. I will have no one to care or not care if I ever attempt and survive and that is a fear that keeps me here.

 

[Dante_]

I think it's people who are like "I can't take this! I fucking hate life! I don't care what the PPH or people on SaSu say, I don't need emetics!" and then they go into a bathroom of the family home with family there, raw dog a cup of SN, throw all of it up, and then family come in and call an ambulance and they get the help and attention they must want.

I think when that happens, those people weren't actually really wanting to die and wanted attention, because SN often doesn't work without emetics. It's still possible to die... but it's much less likely. It could also be that because of Survival Instinct they are unable to do things the proper way also. It's hard to know. It seems strange to me. If I take SN, which is likely to happen sadly, I will almost certainly be following the protocol exactly unless it's a really extraordinary circumstance, ie there's a welfare check and i know the police are trying to find me and i grab SN and run and forget to bring the emetics with me.

Im sorry but i have to call out what you just said for being in very judgmental tone toward the op, its very unfair and one thing I've found to be so problematic sometimes on this site is that its all too easy to judge someone for what they did wrong when really, there should be a more balanced approach because this is why people fear speaking about attempts because there's more than likely going to be someone who will come along and leave a remark about what they did wrong and not in a helpful way, whether people in their category really want to die by doing things wrong because some explanation like SI and they say "well, if it was me, id have done it this way because my aim is not attention".

This is someone who survived something quite awful, life-changing regardless of whether she or others " weren't actually really wanting to die", she was in a distressed state of mind and I urge anyone else who will comment on this thread to please be mindful of that, when anyone's not in a good state of mind, things tend to happen and that shouldn't be a reason to talk about whether their attempt was legitimate or meaningful enough toward their objective because they "didn't adhere to protocol", there's probably quite a number of people, unaccounted for, who didn't completely adhere to it because of circumstances and that cant be a a green light to but should that be a reason to then say, they did it for attention.

If someone told me I took sn all those weeks ago today when I did because i genuinely didn't want to die, and did it for attention knowing how little room for error ingestion of that substance leaves, id feel targeted so i'd suggest we use this as an opportunity to not do such a thing because this community can stand to be better by not leaving comments like this especially when someone is still here with us and wanted to share how an event they strongly feel shouldn't have survived, has affected them.

 

[Jisatsu]

So you're not alone alone. Some system of support is better than absolutely no one. I will have no one to care or not care if I ever attempt and survive and that is a fear that keeps me here.

I don't have the friends I had anymore... my family also barely speaks to me ... it's only when I'm actually in the hospital that they start to care.

 

[Sleeper System]

I don't have the friends I had anymore... my family also barely speaks to me ... it's only when I'm actually in the hospital that they start to care.

Doesn't matter. The point is someone shows up for you when things get most critical. Regardless of how they feel or think. I think i'll end up homeless and on drugs if I failed.

 

[dalemar]

i took it in a fanta bottle. Lemon fanta to be exact lol

DAMN!!!!!
Don't tell me you drank the entire bottle as well.

 

[Kayla]

DAMN!!!!!
Don't tell me you drank the entire bottle as well.

it was one of the small bottles like the 500ml ones

 

[dalemar]

it was one of the small bottles like the 500ml ones

thats 10 time the recommended liquid amount in the PPH, crazy.

 

[fadedghost]

Im sorry but i have to call out what you just said for being in very judgmental tone toward the op, its very unfair and one thing I've found to be so problematic sometimes on this site is that its all too easy to judge someone for what they did wrong when really, there should be a more balanced approach because this is why people fear speaking about attempts because there's more than likely going to be someone who will come along and leave a remark about what they did wrong and not in a helpful way, whether people in their category really want to die by doing things wrong because some explanation like SI and they say "well, if it was me, id have done it this way because my aim is not attention".

This is someone who survived something quite awful, life-changing regardless of whether she or others " weren't actually really wanting to die", she was in a distressed state of mind and I urge anyone else who will comment on this thread to please be mindful of that, when anyone's not in a good state of mind, things tend to happen and that shouldn't be a reason to talk about whether their attempt was legitimate or meaningful enough toward their objective because they "didn't adhere to protocol", there's probably quite a number of people, unaccounted for, who didn't completely adhere to it because of circumstances and that cant be a a green light to but should that be a reason to then say, they did it for attention.

If someone told me I took sn all those weeks ago today when I did because i genuinely didn't want to die, and did it for attention knowing how little room for error ingestion of that substance leaves, id feel targeted so i'd suggest we use this as an opportunity to not do such a thing because this community can stand to be better by not leaving comments like this especially when someone is still here with us and wanted to share how an event they strongly feel shouldn't have survived, has affected them.

you make some persuasive points and are probably right.

 

[dalemar]

it was one of the small bottles like the 500ml ones

Still a lot of liquid.
I saw you were kinda dead for 30 minutes.
If you don't mind me asking, during that time, did you felt anything? did you see anything? something like this:

Near-death experience - Wikipedia

en.wikipedia.org