Venting it's all getting worse again.

[Kokonoe]

title.
i've been so depressed that i've been struggling to function. so i've been showing up to therapy late and missed a couple times. not because i'm not trying, i am, it's just hard. clearly not hard enough though. the specialist i've been seeing for over a year closed my case because i missed twice in a row. i feel like i fucked up badly. i need therapy to treat my disorder and that's the only specialist in my area, so now i feel sorta fucked, and like there's not much point in it anymore. i dropped from my group therapy bc it wasn't helping anyways and told my other therapist i've been seeing for years that i'm done. now i have completely no support anymore, and even less things to fill my time. i'm not looking forward at all to when my family asks about therapy.

on top of that, the cycle with my sister never ends. i have no other friends anymore really, all i have is my sister again. and she broke our boundaries we set, not that i really stopped her..
so i'm close to sis again, with no one and nothing else in my life to fill the void other than her. surely that didn't cause anything bad last time. surely it won't bring me hell again. i feel so stuck.

and my only other friend i just can't stand being around anymore. i feel bad, it's not like she's done much wrong, it's just a lot of little things that really irk me and i don't want to be around her anymore because of it. i can't stand the constant smoke, i don't want to be around someone who feels like they *need* to be high 24/7, it's just sorta icky to me. and she's so depressed and miserable all the time but refuses all help that i offer her. it's hard to want to be around someone that miserable. i feel bad, but it's just not fun to be around at all. so i don't really have anyone i want to be around anymore, or really anyone to talk to.

all of this is making me so much more depressed. i still have art classes to look forward to starting soon, but it's hard to care anymore. it feels like my life is falling apart. i want to just die as soon as i can. i'm sorry.

 

[NZkiwi]

the specialist i've been seeing for over a year closed my case because i missed twice in a row.

hiii im trying to stay neutral (as im on a recovery journey) and i guess support what ever choice you make, ctb or recovery. we are all adults and we make our own decisions, and i wish you all the best on your mission to find peace

just sharing my own recent similar experience

on friday i missed (by mistake) my public specialist appointment and was told i was discharged, and to go see my family doctor as i wasnt like acute enough

i was pretty annoyed
so i called up the crisis line, got an email address and wrote an email to them in detail what was going on

i get a phone call 30 minutes later from the crisis line
they want to assess me immediately

and yeah got to see a psychiatrist on saturday, had a 2 hour review and yeah just sharing that story. maybe you can still be seen if thats what you want idk

i documented this process on the recovery forums if you are interested

 

[bl33ding_heart]

Hating yourself for mishaps that have already happened won't solve anything. I know it's hard, but just try to look forward instead of looking at the past and mentally spiralling and feeling like a fuck up because of it. Something I do is try to use my mess ups as motivation to better myself and my life. Because I know the potential for better exists. It's just up to me whether I have the will and strength to allow it to eventually happen. Whether you decide to ctb or go through with recovering. We are all here for you and rooting for you.