Venting it's all getting worse again.

[Kokonoe]

title.
i've been so depressed that i've been struggling to function. so i've been showing up to therapy late and missed a couple times. not because i'm not trying, i am, it's just hard. clearly not hard enough though. the specialist i've been seeing for over a year closed my case because i missed twice in a row. i feel like i fucked up badly. i need therapy to treat my disorder and that's the only specialist in my area, so now i feel sorta fucked, and like there's not much point in it anymore. i dropped from my group therapy bc it wasn't helping anyways and told my other therapist i've been seeing for years that i'm done. now i have completely no support anymore, and even less things to fill my time. i'm not looking forward at all to when my family asks about therapy.

on top of that, the cycle with my sister never ends. i have no other friends anymore really, all i have is my sister again. and she broke our boundaries we set, not that i really stopped her..
so i'm close to sis again, with no one and nothing else in my life to fill the void other than her. surely that didn't cause anything bad last time. surely it won't bring me hell again. i feel so stuck.

and my only other friend i just can't stand being around anymore. i feel bad, it's not like she's done much wrong, it's just a lot of little things that really irk me and i don't want to be around her anymore because of it. i can't stand the constant smoke, i don't want to be around someone who feels like they *need* to be high 24/7, it's just sorta icky to me. and she's so depressed and miserable all the time but refuses all help that i offer her. it's hard to want to be around someone that miserable. i feel bad, but it's just not fun to be around at all. so i don't really have anyone i want to be around anymore, or really anyone to talk to.

all of this is making me so much more depressed. i still have art classes to look forward to starting soon, but it's hard to care anymore. it feels like my life is falling apart. i want to just die as soon as i can. i'm sorry.

 

[NZkiwi]

the specialist i've been seeing for over a year closed my case because i missed twice in a row.

hiii im trying to stay neutral (as im on a recovery journey) and i guess support what ever choice you make, ctb or recovery. we are all adults and we make our own decisions, and i wish you all the best on your mission to find peace

just sharing my own recent similar experience

on friday i missed (by mistake) my public specialist appointment and was told i was discharged, and to go see my family doctor as i wasnt like acute enough

i was pretty annoyed
so i called up the crisis line, got an email address and wrote an email to them in detail what was going on

i get a phone call 30 minutes later from the crisis line
they want to assess me immediately

and yeah got to see a psychiatrist on saturday, had a 2 hour review and yeah just sharing that story. maybe you can still be seen if thats what you want idk

i documented this process on the recovery forums if you are interested

 

[bl33ding_heart]

Hating yourself for mishaps that have already happened won't solve anything. I know it's hard, but just try to look forward instead of looking at the past and mentally spiralling and feeling like a fuck up because of it. Something I do is try to use my mess ups as motivation to better myself and my life. Because I know the potential for better exists. It's just up to me whether I have the will and strength to allow it to eventually happen. Whether you decide to ctb or go through with recovering. We are all here for you and rooting for you.

 

[dissociatedmess]

I relate a lot about the friend situation. My friend isn't high all the time but she drinks 24/7 and I only just realized it. She, too, is in crisis 24/7 which leaves no room for me to either relax or vent. I have cut back my drinking a lot, and being around her and that group is just stressful to me at this point because no one can do anything without a drink in their hands. I'm just coming to terms with the fact that I actually may be losing my whole friend group over it. Which is going to make for a very lonely stretch ahead.

I'm glad you have art classes and I hope it gives any sense of reprieve, but I get not feeling the care and like everything is just pointless. I think if I didn't have some form of art I would have died a long time ago. At least it gets a fraction of the feelings out into the universe.
It's a cliche but sometimes it really is the little things that stave off the suicide attempts, at least for me, but I know that's not universal.

Hopefully things can turn around. Hopefully art classes give you enough to look forward to, but I also hope you don't kick yourself too hard if the feelings stick around. Mental disorders are a nightmare to live with, but it's not your fault.
Man, it took me almost two decades of my mental health journey (started young lmao) to get the right diagnosis and right therapist. I wouldn't wish this health system on my worst enemies. I think the right help is always there, just not convenient or easy to find. Hopefully you can get that side of things sorted too.

Ok I'll stop yapping at you now, but just good luck and much love.

 

[AgathaChristieLover]

Finding something to look forward to is really helpful. The only reason I'm alive today is because I convinced myself to not CTB until after a vacation. If you have a lack of friends, maybe look for some online. Obviously it's not really a substitute for irl friendships but considering you seem to have difficulties making friends irl it could help you cope

 

[lastappleonearth]

title.
i've been so depressed that i've been struggling to function. so i've been showing up to therapy late and missed a couple times. not because i'm not trying, i am, it's just hard. clearly not hard enough though. the specialist i've been seeing for over a year closed my case because i missed twice in a row. i feel like i fucked up badly. i need therapy to treat my disorder and that's the only specialist in my area, so now i feel sorta fucked, and like there's not much point in it anymore. i dropped from my group therapy bc it wasn't helping anyways and told my other therapist i've been seeing for years that i'm done. now i have completely no support anymore, and even less things to fill my time. i'm not looking forward at all to when my family asks about therapy.

on top of that, the cycle with my sister never ends. i have no other friends anymore really, all i have is my sister again. and she broke our boundaries we set, not that i really stopped her..
so i'm close to sis again, with no one and nothing else in my life to fill the void other than her. surely that didn't cause anything bad last time. surely it won't bring me hell again. i feel so stuck.

and my only other friend i just can't stand being around anymore. i feel bad, it's not like she's done much wrong, it's just a lot of little things that really irk me and i don't want to be around her anymore because of it. i can't stand the constant smoke, i don't want to be around someone who feels like they *need* to be high 24/7, it's just sorta icky to me. and she's so depressed and miserable all the time but refuses all help that i offer her. it's hard to want to be around someone that miserable. i feel bad, but it's just not fun to be around at all. so i don't really have anyone i want to be around anymore, or really anyone to talk to.

all of this is making me so much more depressed. i still have art classes to look forward to starting soon, but it's hard to care anymore. it feels like my life is falling apart. i want to just die as soon as i can. i'm sorry.

I feel for u, it's awful, when you slowly loose all the support you had and you are left with nothing or almost nothing at least. I get that u don't rlly want to be around ur friend anymore, its not easy to be around ppl, who are constantly miserable, but mby try to stay in contact at least a lil bit. In my experience, having at least one friend is always or at least almost always better than having no friends. I fucked up a lot of my friendships, bcs some not so important things abt them started to annoy me and I regret that now. Though there are for sure cases, where it's best to end the friendship ig.
I wish u all the best

 

[Kokonoe]

I relate a lot about the friend situation. My friend isn't high all the time but she drinks 24/7 and I only just realized it. She, too, is in crisis 24/7 which leaves no room for me to either relax or vent. I have cut back my drinking a lot, and being around her and that group is just stressful to me at this point because no one can do anything without a drink in their hands. I'm just coming to terms with the fact that I actually may be losing my whole friend group over it. Which is going to make for a very lonely stretch ahead.

I'm glad you have art classes and I hope it gives any sense of reprieve, but I get not feeling the care and like everything is just pointless. I think if I didn't have some form of art I would have died a long time ago. At least it gets a fraction of the feelings out into the universe.
It's a cliche but sometimes it really is the little things that stave off the suicide attempts, at least for me, but I know that's not universal.

Hopefully things can turn around. Hopefully art classes give you enough to look forward to, but I also hope you don't kick yourself too hard if the feelings stick around. Mental disorders are a nightmare to live with, but it's not your fault.
Man, it took me almost two decades of my mental health journey (started young lmao) to get the right diagnosis and right therapist. I wouldn't wish this health system on my worst enemies. I think the right help is always there, just not convenient or easy to find. Hopefully you can get that side of things sorted too.

Ok I'll stop yapping at you now, but just good luck and much love.

it's validating to hear that someone else shares that struggle, thank you. although i'm sorry that's happening yo you as well :c
i can understand the drinking thing, too. my older sister has serious drinking issues and it's kinda why i'm so weird about substance use in general. my sister has come home at like 1:30am, so drunk she can't get through the door, or take her shoes off, or get up the stairs, or anything, all while completely incoherent and reeking of alcohol...and i don't really have much of a choice other than to be the one to help her in those situations. it's just really upsetting and uncomfortable. i don't mind drinking or smoking in moderation, but the more someone does it the more uncomfortable i get.
and the thing is my friend doesn't just smoke 24/7 (something i am also very bothered by for similar reasons like my sister. someone i used to be around a lot and unfortunately briefly dated used to smoke cigarettes *constantly*. so i'm already more than sick of being around that stuff.).but yeah my friend also has issues with alcohol that worries me and upsets me, too. like we'll go out and she'll order like $50+ dollars of alcohol.. or come over and drink like two bottles of wine or a whole pack of beer herself. like idk it just bothers me.
i've told her how much it bothers me and why, and asked to refrain from substance use when she's around me, and she hasn't changed her behavior or stopped at all, which is really upsetting. she's like that in general. just does not change her behavior whenever i communicate boundaries or something.
and she worries me a lot in other ways, too. like she constantly self harms, and i get it i used to struggle with that, too, i'm not shaming that at all. but when she repeatedly shows up with her entire body covered in deep gashes and cuts and bruises, and doesn't let me try to help her at all or communicate what's wrong, it's really hard for me. it's just upsetting bc i care.
she also just sorta lives here sometimes, which i don't really mind, but it's gotten more and more on my nerves the longer it goes on. like i can't work, i'm disabled, i can't be buying groceries for two people and having to make constant trips out to restock on things she goes through that i bought for myself...it's really irritating and stressful tbh.
just like you said i am basically never unable to relax around her and i just can't keep doing it. the last time she came over i just thought to myself the whole time, "i would rather be alone right now."

i'm glad i have art classes to look forward to as well. i'm honestly really excited for it. i'm excited to have a way to potentially meet new people and just something to do regularly. and it's like bonus points it's something i really like, lol.
and yeah i'm glad i have art, too. it helps me a lot. i find it very calming and it almost always makes me feel better. plus it's the only real form of expressing myself that i have. and one of the few things in life i still actively enjoy.

sorry for wall of text-ing you, i guess i just had a lot to say lol. thank you.

I feel for u, it's awful, when you slowly loose all the support you had and you are left with nothing or almost nothing at least. I get that u don't rlly want to be around ur friend anymore, its not easy to be around ppl, who are constantly miserable, but mby try to stay in contact at least a lil bit. In my experience, having at least one friend is always or at least almost always better than having no friends. I fucked up a lot of my friendships, bcs some not so important things abt them started to annoy me and I regret that now. Though there are for sure cases, where it's best to end the friendship ig.
I wish u all the best

i think you're right. i might reach back out. but this time set hard boundaries and keep her at arms length. thank you.

Finding something to look forward to is really helpful. The only reason I'm alive today is because I convinced myself to not CTB until after a vacation. If you have a lack of friends, maybe look for some online. Obviously it's not really a substitute for irl friendships but considering you seem to have difficulties making friends irl it could help you cope

even online friends isn't really possible for me, lol,, i'm just not someone anyone ever wants to be around. idk how i'd even meet anyone, even just online.
plus it's hard for me to keep up with people that way.

 

[dissociatedmess]

it's validating to hear that someone else shares that struggle, thank you. although i'm sorry that's happening yo you as well :c
i can understand the drinking thing, too. my older sister has serious drinking issues and it's kinda why i'm so weird about substance use in general. my sister has come home at like 1:30am, so drunk she can't get through the door, or take her shoes off, or get up the stairs, or anything, all while completely incoherent and reeking of alcohol...and i don't really have much of a choice other than to be the one to help her in those situations. it's just really upsetting and uncomfortable. i don't mind drinking or smoking in moderation, but the more someone does it the more uncomfortable i get.
and the thing is my friend doesn't just smoke 24/7 (something i am also very bothered by for similar reasons like my sister. someone i used to be around a lot and unfortunately briefly dated used to smoke cigarettes *constantly*. so i'm already more than sick of being around that stuff.).but yeah my friend also has issues with alcohol that worries me and upsets me, too. like we'll go out and she'll order like $50+ dollars of alcohol.. or come over and drink like two bottles of wine or a whole pack of beer herself. like idk it just bothers me.
i've told her how much it bothers me and why, and asked to refrain from substance use when she's around me, and she hasn't changed her behavior or stopped at all, which is really upsetting. she's like that in general. just does not change her behavior whenever i communicate boundaries or something.
and she worries me a lot in other ways, too. like she constantly self harms, and i get it i used to struggle with that, too, i'm not shaming that at all. but when she repeatedly shows up with her entire body covered in deep gashes and cuts and bruises, and doesn't let me try to help her at all or communicate what's wrong, it's really hard for me. it's just upsetting bc i care.
she also just sorta lives here sometimes, which i don't really mind, but it's gotten more and more on my nerves the longer it goes on. like i can't work, i'm disabled, i can't be buying groceries for two people and having to make constant trips out to restock on things she goes through that i bought for myself...it's really irritating and stressful tbh.
just like you said i am basically never unable to relax around her and i just can't keep doing it. the last time she came over i just thought to myself the whole time, "i would rather be alone right now."

i'm glad i have art classes to look forward to as well. i'm honestly really excited for it. i'm excited to have a way to potentially meet new people and just something to do regularly. and it's like bonus points it's something i really like, lol.
and yeah i'm glad i have art, too. it helps me a lot. i find it very calming and it almost always makes me feel better. plus it's the only real form of expressing myself that i have. and one of the few things in life i still actively enjoy.

sorry for wall of text-ing you, i guess i just had a lot to say lol. thank you.

i think you're right. i might reach back out. but this time set hard boundaries and keep her at arms length. thank you.

even online friends isn't really possible for me, lol,, i'm just not someone anyone ever wants to be around. idk how i'd even meet anyone, even just online.
plus it's hard for me to keep up with people that way.

About what someone said about having a friend is better than not, I'm not sure it's always true. People will always get on each others nerves at one point or another, but when behavior becomes dangerous, frequently disrespectful, and uncomfortable, it can just be another thing adding to the depression and stress instead of taking away from it.

The thing that sucks about boundaries is that I wish we could just say "Hey don't do that because it crosses a line" and have people listen, but the way boundaries works is by you controlling your environment rather then another person controlling their behavior. You can't make people stop, but you can decide what you will and won't tolerate by simply refusing to be around people who continuously cross boundaries. Not always possible for everyone, because a lot of people wind up stuck, but whenever possible, I back away from people unwilling to change their behavior if it's hurting me.

So if you ask someone to respect your boundaries and they continuously cross them, sometimes ya just gotta get em outta your life.
And that's giving respect to yourself.

"Safety is not the absence of a threat, but the presence of connection." Gabor Maté - but if someone is insistent on crossing boundaries, that's not genuine connection or attunement; that's creating a dynamic of neglect and control.

And I realize I don't have very sound advice for seeking out better friendships, as I'm still in a sinking boat myself. But as stupid as it sounds, sometimes being a friend to yourself first helps. I have at least felt better being distant from the connections that cause harm, and believe it's worth it.