Venting its all coming back

[ctb★prince]

ive gotten a new device and promised myself not to come back here unless i have a reason, i think i do
ive lost everything, the stupid boyfriend who i was only with to see how much bullshit i can handle, the friendships that were built on my tolerance i mistook for kindness, friends who couldn't do the same for me when i needed it most, the people who kept me away from ending it all and who eventually went crazy themselves, and other than my cata that's all i really had to begin with
i want to live and i keep fighting but im only surviving for things to get significantly worse
ive got no one my age to hang out with, and the longer thats the case the younger i feel, more vulnerable and helpless
im the only person crying for myself and i cant imagine that changing once i actually do die
im all alone, stuck with myself, and i hate the way i am
i wish i could free myself of me, wish i could go somewhere and be someone else, i want to be recognized, i want to be liked, i want tobe desired, i want to be admired, but ive got nothing that would earn me the right to any of those things
i wish i knew what to do, who to be

if youve read this far please talk to me, people treat my messages like a nuisance, they leave me on delivered for months, and yet im still trying my best, i really need it to have some payoff, anything
please comment how youve been, what youve been up to, what youve been into, i reallyneed this

 

[Mr.Ruben]

hey prince, I think friendship are the most hard things to loose, it's people that is always needed to be around
I have done something to trick my brain to live, and that is to enjoy art a lot (which horrible timing with AI) but what has this done is making my thoughts only matter with art, even my life, I hate it, but the thought of losing the possibility to see new art or even old art I haven't seen (films, music, animation, games, illustration) I have pretty much ignored all other responsibilities. So know Im fighting simply to draw, maybe animate, I've been drawing and that's what kept me alive

 

[witchcraft]

Hey, obviously I don't know your exact situation beyond what you've shared, but I think I certainly relate to the feeling of being a nuisance and ignored, like I'm a burden or at best an afterthought. Reminds me of that quote from Robin Williams, paraphrasing: the worst thing isn't to be alone, but to be surrounded by people who make you feel alone.

Recognition, being liked, being desired, admired, I think it's very normal and understandable to want those things. I often feel like nothing I do is ever good enough to "earn" those things—if I don't do something absolutely spectacular, I may as well have done nothing at all.. The way I see it, you can't please everyone, and the first person to please should be yourself and your inner compass. Sometimes that last part takes time to find. If there were two other people who had opposite, contradictory notions of what is worth recognition, what's likeable, desirable, admirable, what would you choose?

As for me and how I've been... lol. Yeah, I relate to the struggle of waking up another day only for things to be more of the same if not worse. I missed my dental appointment yesterday, just totally forgot about it and didn't notice the reminders (I get so many spam calls and scam texts lately that I pretty much don't answer my phone unless it's a number I recognize or I'm expecting a call). I'm hoping they'll be understanding and won't charge me for missing my appointment and allow me to reschedule.

The world is such a fun place. There's no reward for religiously keeping good on one's appointments, for example, but the second you make an honest mistake there's an uncompromising punishment. Like, tell me my best efforts don't matter without telling me my best efforts don't matter, ffs. Do mandatory overtime, cover shifts, stay late when you don't have to, and consistently be on time at a job, but God forbid you're late 10 minutes one day. And people wonder why anxiety is rampant; the instant you fail to be perfect a single time you get graped, you get a stern talking to. How lovely.

 

[ctb★prince]

hey prince, I think friendship are the most hard things to loose, it's people that is always needed to be around
I have done something to trick my brain to live, and that is to enjoy art a lot (which horrible timing with AI) but what has this done is making my thoughts only matter with art, even my life, I hate it, but the thought of losing the possibility to see new art or even old art I haven't seen (films, music, animation, games, illustration) I have pretty much ignored all other responsibilities. So know Im fighting simply to draw, maybe animate, I've been drawing and that's what kept me alive

ive felt similarly, but i feel like ive drawn everything there is to draw, i just renewed a membership subscription for my favourite channel, and once i watch everything they have to offer i wont have much holding me back, now with ai im so scared to create and to consume, ill run out of things that came before eventually

Hey, obviously I don't know your exact situation beyond what you've shared, but I think I certainly relate to the feeling of being a nuisance and ignored, like I'm a burden or at best an afterthought. Reminds me of that quote from Robin Williams, paraphrasing: the worst thing isn't to be alone, but to be surrounded by people who make you feel alone.

Recognition, being liked, being desired, admired, I think it's very normal and understandable to want those things. I often feel like nothing I do is ever good enough to "earn" those things—if I don't do something absolutely spectacular, I may as well have done nothing at all.. The way I see it, you can't please everyone, and the first person to please should be yourself and your inner compass. Sometimes that last part takes time to find. If there were two other people who had opposite, contradictory notions of what is worth recognition, what's likeable, desirable, admirable, what would you choose?

As for me and how I've been... lol. Yeah, I relate to the struggle of waking up another day only for things to be more of the same if not worse. I missed my dental appointment yesterday, just totally forgot about it and didn't notice the reminders (I get so many spam calls and scam texts lately that I pretty much don't answer my phone unless it's a number I recognize or I'm expecting a call). I'm hoping they'll be understanding and won't charge me for missing my appointment and allow me to reschedule.

The world is such a fun place. There's no reward for religiously keeping good on one's appointments, for example, but the second you make an honest mistake there's an uncompromising punishment. Like, tell me my best efforts don't matter without telling me my best efforts don't matter, ffs. Do mandatory overtime, cover shifts, stay late when you don't have to, and consistently be on time at a job, but God forbid you're late 10 minutes one day. And people wonder why anxiety is rampant; the instant you fail to be perfect a single time you get graped, you get a stern talking to. How lovely.

i tried to put myself first, i really did, but ive always wanted to be of help to others, always wanted them to have someone to rely on, someone who would listen, only to stop getting that in return back when i turned like 14
its such a shame that the world is run by people who only pay attention to what you do wrong
ive thought about what kindness is to me recently, and came to a conclusion that being kind more often than not is choosing not to do or say something, and maybe thats why it goes unnoticed so often... but if i were to proclaim each one of my acts of kindness it wouldnt be kind anymore, such nonsense
also, coincidentally i was just thinking about seeing the dentist, i really hope theyll be understanding and wont charge you, teeth are just too important!!

 

[Mr.Ruben]

ive felt similarly, but i feel like ive drawn everything there is to draw, i just renewed a membership subscription for my favourite channel, and once i watch everything they have to offer i wont have much holding me back, now with ai im so scared to create and to consume, ill run out of things that came before eventually

interesting, ive been drawing for ten years and feel iv'e barely touched the surface of illustration, I watch a lot of sin design and proko, watch ancient streams of Kim Jung Gi, and also to the artist I use as my pfp, being amazed with each illustration he can be so creative.
oh dear the world of art never stops shining, from big or small studios making their new short animation film, from creators making their handcrafted hardback comic, to Christopher Nolan making is new movie, to the new Yann tiersen album.

 

[ctb★prince]

interesting, ive been drawing for ten years and feel iv'e barely touched the surface of illustration, I watch a lot of sin design and proko, watch ancient streams of Kim Jung Gi, and also to the artist I use as my pfp, being amazed with each illustration he can be so creative.
oh dear the world of art never stops shining, from big or small studios making their new short animation film, from creators making their handcrafted hardback comic, to Christopher Nolan making is new movie, to the new Yann tiersen album.

i think i recognize the artist from your pfp, the name started with an a right? maybe youre right, but ive drawn all im capable of drawing, i still want to create, desperately, but i cant feel that spark anymore... matter of fact i was just about to see whether i got into an arts college, maybe there ill find something that helps, but im scared, i dont trust anything new that comes out, unless im certain its a genuiene product, it sucks
your message is uplifting, so ill keep trying

 

[Mr.Ruben]

i think i recognize the artist from your pfp, the name started with an a right? maybe youre right, but ive drawn all im capable of drawing, i still want to create, desperately, but i cant feel that spark anymore... matter of fact i was just about to see whether i got into an arts college, maybe there ill find something that helps, but im scared, i dont trust anything new that comes out, unless im certain its a genuiene product, it sucks
your message is uplifting, so ill keep trying

indeed an a, avogado6_jp. ;)
and for the speark, I've lost it to. or at least for now, but watching a great movie a day, keeps me going, today I saw an animation movie based of a music video clip, called Chal0 from 2025,. For college it's more important who you'll meet than being with artists, I have a small friend group of a programmer, pianist, and boxer, and me, artist, and we all loved art, but there is time we hate other artists, just like we can hate our works which iv'e hated for an entire year, not a single sketch, work that fulfilled me (thanks to a teacher's philosophy greater than my butt) ive meet great people from online competitions in art, one of them being accessible for all called chroma corps. Mae by an senior artist called sin design
also I must say I do not know your pfp, the banner reminds me of a movie called the Angel's Egg.