It makes me so guilty knowing how much my parents care about me despite me being a terrible human being

[Cauliflour]

They put all this love and energy into me: making sure I get to whatever the next stage of education is with no fuss, giving me nice food, opportunities etc and what do I do in return? I use myself as a chopping board and fantasise about killing myself like it's some fancy sex act! God if they ever find out (which they probably will) then they're gonna be so disappointed in me, and then start getting stressed out trying to fix me (even though you can't really at this point) because they care that much. They tell me how easy my life is, how many opportunities I have access to and it just makes me feel shittier about myself knowing they have to deal with a piece of shit like me and they don't even realise. They don't realise the child they care so much about is fundamentally broken and can never be fixed because autism can't be fixed but also not really because I'm not even that far on the spectrum: I just always seem to fuck up. Wherever that be never getting good enough exam grades to meet my teachers' predictions or never feeling grateful enough for something. I know it's innate but it shouldn't be, I shouldn't be allowing my autism to flourish, that's not right. And I know all this stuff would just be labelled as "low self esteem" in a therapist's office but it's hard to accept being told you're all these wonderful things if you have all this evidence that only you know about, outweighing the positives. I want respect but if you know me like I do then it's clear I don't deserve it, yet I still keep acting the way I do because I'm too retarded to change myself.

If they saw my dead body then their mental health would be properly fucked, and that's not nice. Especially because if I'm dead for some bullshit reason that doesn't even count. Really I think things would be better if I simply wasn't born, so my parents' didn't have to be burdened with having to care for me, a broken little wreck. White girls don't need depression, white girls don't need suicide, white girls don't need self harm and any that do are dreadful little attention whores that didn't get enough physical punishments as a child. I wish they would just do the right thing and use my face as a mop for the pavement outside, but the ego whore in my brain keeps nagging me saying otherwise.

The problem with self harm for fun is that forcing yourself to stop fussing like a sissy can't be done with blades due to the positive association, and punching just doesn't hit the same. Also doesn't help that the woman in my head, the one who would set me straight and stop me getting tearful over overlooking a really obvious puzzle in a video game with a clear answer in a walkthrough, has been gone for 565 days so it's a lot harder to get me to shut up nowadays. Maybe if I just keep sitting in denial, the problem will go away! Or at least, long enough that I'm old and ugly enough for people to not give a shit about me if I kick the bucket.

I've been treated too soft in my life and it's let me grown an ego. I should've been told to shut up and be normal as a child instead of thinking it was alright to let my traits free. I'm so tired of people in my life giving me shallow compliments because I know it's simply not true and letting me accept them is just gonna feed the ego with lies. The more I live on, the harder it is for me to stop these from seeping into my subconsious but I crave affection so much that I want compliments despite being slightly uncomfy when receiving them, make it make sense! They say suicide is "a permanent solution to a temporary problem" but I've been a little fucker my entire life, some words of encouragement are just gonna make it worse. That's how I know there's no reason why I should bother with therapy because that's exactly what they'll do! They'll try to improve my "self esteem" by making me write a gratitude journal or something (which would be pointless because I can't for the life of me speak personally about my feelings cause autism...again), force me to stop cutting which would make me go into withdrawels and become depressed, then get pumped full of drugs, have all sorts of shit being active in my head (which if only a bit of coffee can make me actively suicidal then I dread to think what seratonin injecting anti-depressants would do to me) and then give up and wisk me away to a mental hospital where I can go crazy away from civilisation while my parents' shake their heads wondering where they could've possibly gone wrong. I shouldn't even be allowing myself to write all this out, let alone publicly but every time I just can't help but open my mouth and yap about some bullshit nobody should feel complied to care about. I should just be able to let these thoughts sit and do nothing with them. No talking to myself. No talking online. Nothing. Like it doesn't exist, because it doesn't.

Tbh I think the only thing that can fix me is a good dose of bdsm shit but there's no way any sane person would want to do the things I daydream about so that's not gonna happen...unless they're a violent rapist, which honestly? Yeah I deserve to be raped, I don't deserve respect if "knifeplay that ends with an A&E trip" is how I want to command the other. Porn sucks ass too, at least I won't have to worry about a second addiction on my hands...