platypusfan
Member
- Jun 29, 2023
- 88
A few months ago I posted about how my desire to CTB has increased even though my life has gotten better. Then I really thought hard about it, and I tried to be optimistic and consider a future for myself, with all the things I wanted, and for the first time in maybe 10 years did I genuinely want to live. I thought that, even if a lot of life was still bad, if I can get at least half of the things I want then I can deal with it. And now everything went downhill, like it's a sign that it truly is impossible for me to have some things. I am in a bad situation and I am scared now, and now there are no good aspects to my life, and my own issues have gotten worse despite me desperately fighting against them. I thought I would be the type to be suicidal no matter what, and that it was a choice, but right now it doesn't even seem like a choice, it's like I'm being pushed back down into the hole that I did everything to try and crawl out of. I am sitting in the middle right now, I can't ctb due to being monitored but it seems I can't get better either, I am just stuck again and feel like I saw some type of false hope. I want to ctb so badly but I am mad that I am in this situation. This is mostly just another post of me complaining but does anyone else understand what I mean?? Or does anyone have any idea on what to do?
