Today I went to a sporting goods store and took the firearms safety test. I passed and was given a certificate. After I passed the guy handed me the certificate and asked if I wanted to buy a gun right then and there. It's almost funny how easy it is to buy a gun in the US. I said no, because I couldn't afford the ones they had on the shelf. I have a 12 gauge shotgun picked out online, which is much cheaper. Shortest barrel length I could find, so it will be easier to reach the trigger. And I opted against pump action because I was worried it would be harder to fit in my mouth. The shotgun and the ammo are in my cart. If I place the order I'll be able to pick up the gun at the store in about a week.
Is this really the end? Will I really do it this time? This is by far the easiest and most painless method I've ever seriously considered. One finger on the trigger and it's instant death. I don't even know what to think. Am I really going to place the order? Do I really want to do this? With a shotgun and ammo of this power, it will more or less blow my head clean off. Given I know not to aim under my chin and blow my face off, it's about a 0% chance of survival I'd say. This is no feeble overdose attempt like the ones I did when I was a teenager.
I have lived 24 years of life. I had a mother, a father, and two sisters. I went to college, got a degree. I had countless jobs. I had girlfriends. I experienced love and heartbreak. Endless years of therapy and medication. Inpatient treatment. I've tried everything under the sun. But still, I suffer. I see no future for myself. My bipolar disorder will never go away. My gender dysphoria will never go away. I will never have the body I was meant to have.
And yet I'm still fighting with myself about if this is the right choice. I think it is. But what a waste.
Is this really the end? Will I really do it this time? This is by far the easiest and most painless method I've ever seriously considered. One finger on the trigger and it's instant death. I don't even know what to think. Am I really going to place the order? Do I really want to do this? With a shotgun and ammo of this power, it will more or less blow my head clean off. Given I know not to aim under my chin and blow my face off, it's about a 0% chance of survival I'd say. This is no feeble overdose attempt like the ones I did when I was a teenager.
I have lived 24 years of life. I had a mother, a father, and two sisters. I went to college, got a degree. I had countless jobs. I had girlfriends. I experienced love and heartbreak. Endless years of therapy and medication. Inpatient treatment. I've tried everything under the sun. But still, I suffer. I see no future for myself. My bipolar disorder will never go away. My gender dysphoria will never go away. I will never have the body I was meant to have.
And yet I'm still fighting with myself about if this is the right choice. I think it is. But what a waste.
