Venting Bird’s Journal

[littlebiird]

Making a lil journal thread for my journey as I go through things

lil intro:
Hi, I'm Bird
Diagnosed Borderline, bipolar, & a bitch
hEDS, POTS, & other minor casualties


Entry 1
It's 11:29 PM. August 3. 3 months, 27 days until I'm either here or not. Until things are better or… better.

I had my first shift today at my new job. It wasn't bad. Kinda enjoyed it. But unfortunately it's not a job that I can keep forever because it's not going to pay to let me live. So. Enjoy it while it lasts I guess.

Today otherwise was pretty crappy. I woke up at 4 am. Couldn't go back to sleep. Then couldn't stop crying. Over everything. What was the point? Honestly? Look at me, with my 'fancy' new job - that will get me no where in life. I am no one. I am nothing. I have no path and no drive and I can't pass a drug test.

"You could substitute teach" how do I say I can't pass a drug test
"You could work front desk at ()" how do I say I can't pass a drug test
"You could…" how do I say I can't pass a drug test.

all because I smoke a little weed in my off times so I don't blow my head off. But it's still considered a felony here.

I don't know. I'm tired. My head hurts. I have a psych appointment tomorrow and I don't want to do it. Or my neuro appointment.
Sigh.

That's it for now.

 

[littlebiird]

entry 2
Current time: 10:10pm. August 4. 3 months, 26 days.

Woke up butt early for my first appointment and she was still somehow an hour behind. How. I will never understand.
Had my second appointment. Starting lamictal tonight. We'll see if anything changes.

Ended up going in to work for a closing shift. It wasn't bad. Some people I knew from school came in. I feel embarrassed being seen like that honestly. I feel embarrassed being seen. I feel embarrassed existing. I don't want to be perceived.
I sit here now and overthink everything I did and said during that shift because surely I did something or said something wrong and now I've made things weird and awkward and everyone hates me. Because that's what I always do. I don't think I did. But it's like I'm trying to convince myself I did something wrong. Because I'm wrong. I'm simply wrong.
Everything I do is wrong.

And this is why I'll never be free. I'll never be able to live normal. Because even when things are actually okay. Actually fine. I always will find some way to convince myself it is not.

Anyways.

I had a really weird dream. I applied to Starbucks, they hired me, and I was going in for some weird training thing when someone who I was involved with was there. And this person is kinda a sore spot rn. Dream person said "why didn't you ever reach out?" And I just lost my shit but in a like, collected kind of way. Just. "You wanted me out of your life. So you got it. If anyone was to reach out, that would be your responsibility, and I have no obligation to return the call. You've caused me so much pain. I'm done with you." N then dream me just walked away.
And yk what? Yeah. Fuck. Idk what causes these weird ass dreams sometimes (I always wake up super sweaty and kinda panicky) but idk man they're always super raw.
So fuck you. I don't want to waste anymore time on you.


Ramble ramble ramble.

Oh yeah and I came home from work and got told that one of my ducks that I raised from a wee duckling just. Died. Was found dead. Literally no idea as to why. Like wtf.

I think that's about it. Currently cuddling with the brainless orange cat. Had a dinner of a Mac n cheese cup and Texas Roadhouse rolls. High as hell rn.

Til next time.

 

[littlebiird]

Entry 3
Current time: 10:51pm. August 14

What's up SaSu. Lots happening.
Reconnected with someone from my past (related to "FUCK YOU" guy) and that's gone pretty okay. Except now I'm kinda splitting on her because I made a literally so unimportant mistake in front of her and my brain has convinced me that she hates me because I'm stupid for doing that and now I should never contact her again. Anyway lol.
I also ruined the sweatshirt I love on accident because I had a little bit of soot on my fingers and didn't notice and now I'm so upset over that and it's honestly not even that bad but it feels like the end of the world.
And I can't eat again (lamictal took my appetite)
And it gave me a period again (I haven't had one in 4 months bc doctor said it was ok)
And I've felt bugs crawling on me since 5pm
And I accidentally knocked my funny therapy stickers into a cup that contains some mystery syrup at the bottom. "Hold on, pain ends" was unrecoverable.

And I can't help but feel like this is all a sign to simply cut everything and everyone off and I know that's not what it is and that I'm simply having a bad day and that it wasn't even that bad of a day because I hung out with a friend and had a good time but my brain won't let me see any good and I genuinely think I am losing my mind.

I need someone who understands because I know if I confide in either parent they won't. It's just a sweatshirt. Just a sticker. Obviously they don't hate you, they literally messaged you back in a very positive manner. I know. I know. My brain does not. I can usually talk myself out of it. But I can't right now. Fuck.

36 more minutes until the washing machine should be done. And I hope and pray it's better. Otherwise I genuinely might just completely lose it. I don't think I'll be taken very seriously if I'm dragged to the ER yelling about how staining a sweatshirt and a sticker falling meaning that the world is fucking over.