Is this my end? This total absurdity was my life? Should I laugh about it or get angry and sad?

[Terrible_Life]

I am 26 and my life was really an absurd existence. I was born I had bad luck I got damaged for life I suffered in school and at home. I never found my place in this world but instead always had instability in life. I definitely had potential and although it was blocked from the beginning with all the issues I had i still tried my best to come as far as possible. Unfortunately at some point in my life it all fall apart and now i am totaler isolated, mentally ill and i gave up and all that in this form now since 2 years. This is too much.


Today my mother said if i'd ever kill myself she'd get permanently ill and the family would fall apart. Hmm that made me pensive….I mean in the end of the day its me who suffers the whole day and not the family and its me who realized its all senseless and hopeless so I think I should have the possibility the option to free myself from an absurd and painful life that should have never existed in this form. But what if its true and my whole family gets traumatized and maybe even to the point where some of them also might ctb because of me?
Argghhh I'm honest this is one thing I always absolutely hated about life. This difficult damn thing called making a damn decision, stay fully behind my decision and fully go through the process. Its so damn exhausting I mean did i ever ask to be born or to get parents who would all the time argue with each other and so many other terrible things?! No but still here I am worrying about it that I might cause horrible pain to them….

 

[Terrible_Life]

This really bothers me. What if because of my suicide other people will suffer, get mentally ill and even might also ctb…..its really a painful topic

 

[idiotmother]

This really bothers me. What if because of my suicide other people will suffer, get mentally ill and even might also ctb…..its really a painful topic

I worry about this too. People certainly will suffer because a loved one commits suicide, but how long can the suicidal person suffer before they break? It's a cruel world to be born into. It's awful to endure all this suffering and then pass it on to family members when ctb-ing. It's a horrific curse the permeates everything. It's not fair that life can end up this way, and it's not like anyone WANTS to be suicidal. There are so many terrible, unpredictable conditions that may arise in a lifetime.

 

[cemeteryismyhome]

This keeps me stuck here too. But sometimes... I realize... It's only the living me who has those relationships and worries. The dead me doesn't have them. It's all gone. In other words, when I kill myself, I also kill my worries and concerns. Poof, gone. Is that selfish? Well, maybe while I'm alive it is (debatable). But dead people aren't selfish. I think maybe someday this line of thinking will pull me under because it takes away the only thread that keeps me stuck. I thank God I will inevitably die.

 

[ShatteredQueen]

This is a conundrum that troubles me as well. Sometimes I feel certain that no one will mind too much if I die--as a child, I used to dream that they'd actually celebrate it, though of course that's unrealistic--but I know logically that some people will be hurt by my death. I don't want to cause anyone pain, but I also know that my death would make everyone's lives better in the end. However, that only works if no one lets grief conquer them too far in the short term. So, what's the right thing to do? Do U continue causing long-term problems for others' short-term safety? Do I risk others' short-term harm for their long-term betterment? How far is their reaction my responsibility? I would be causing it, but it would also be their choice in the end. It's a hard set of questions to wrestle with. For now, I'm taking a wait-and-see approach. A good decision takes time; a bad one can take only one moment.