Discussion Is there anyone here who doesn't want to get better?

[Detour]

when I get glimpses of hope and a future, as soon as I get them a voice in my head keeps telling me they're not real and to keep thinking about ctb. So this is all I think about all day.

 

[zherhk]

I'll be an hamster spinning the wheel to try compensate what can't change for the rest of my life.
A fake promise of happiness.

 

[helpfulfriendonwout]

While I want to feel better, I feel like mental illness drives me to what i need to do, which is to have compassion on my future self and end my existance before things get even worse, and my life isn't just emotional pain, but severe physical pain, when I'm too weak and/or afraid to kill myself because I spent my entire life avoiding thinking about death.

 

[Sweet emotion]

This is hard for me to explain. I'm very physically sick with pain and of course I'd want that to go away. But I got sick when I was 20 and now I'm 34. I missed 14 years of my life and have no idea how the world works. I've been house bound for all this time. I know how to interact with people. I'm very good at it. But I'm not mentally 34. I still feel 20. They say when you start drugs, in my case pain killers, you stay the age that you started then. So I'd have absolutely no idea what to do with people my own age. Especially guys. Also, I've lost so much time. Everything is different now. My body is different. The way I think is different.

 

[XXX]

I personally don't want to get better. Maybe it's because I feel depression, anxiety, suicidal thoughts, and any other so-called negative thing, are a part of me. Eliminating it would simply eliminate more of me.

I want to succeed. I want to have a real profession where I go out and influence the world, *included* with others who do tough, demanding stuff. Something *I* want to do, not something "safe and stress-free suitable for mentally diagnosed people".

I know society and "helpers" would think it the best possible outcome if i just got some hobbies or maybe a bit of volunteering and got old in peace. (I am 49 so it's time, right?) Fuck that. Either I make it or I will leave this life. Sadly also my loved ones wouldn't love me any less no matter what I do, so they won't be happy.

I don't want to be happy and feel better as long as I don't succeed. I believe that I will be happy when I do. At least, the moment it seemed work out I was.

What is keeping me alive is the hope it will happen after all, but I'm really afraid of yet another failure and disappointment. Also love for my family and friends, though sadly it's not enough.

That's why "getting help so I feel better" doesn't appeal to me at all.

 

[BPD Barbie]

Ehh, this is a hard one to answer. At times I've been what you'd call 'better' but I always relapse. It's because of those relapses I don't want to get better anymore, that fear of relapsing always hangs over you and the fall hits harder every time. Personally, I don't think you can ever fully recover from mental illness, you just learn strategies and techniques to deal with feelings, emotions etc. Unless there is some magic wand that will erase everything, then I don't want to get better for 6 months just to get bad again.

 

[NeCkDeEp]

In all honesty: me. I promised my friend to seek for help before ctb but I'm so demotivated because of how long it takes to get help.
I prefer to give up and to die because I'm sure that even if help would make things temporary better: I will still end up at one point feeling suicidal.

 

[mediocre]

I've given up on trying to get help for my physical illnesse(s). The healthcare system is so slow and inefficient I'll be 103 by the time I'm diagnosed, if at all. Other than that I've accepted nothing can be done about having aspergers and anxiety

 

[Palacinka]

I want to get better but I dont think it is possible. My father left me in may and my partner left me in july. I was working in my partner company so I lost my job.
And, because of stress they caused me during that time I lost my baby when I was five monthes pregnant. I dont think life can get better for me

 

[LegaliseIt!]

What do I need "to get better"?
I need to "ask for help." (Supposedly)
How do I do that?
Numerous professionals told me to "go to the ER when I am in a suicidal crisis"
What happened there?
Dr. Nathan L. informed me that I "can't live at the hospital"
I offered to leave, and he chastised me for being hasty. He printed off some "Emotional Regulation" worksheets. I was so distraught that I was unable to complete them, as most people curled up in fetal position are. I had already seen my regular psychiatrist. She had told me that I might be in ER for a day.
5 days later, with increased verbal abuse from Dr. L, I still hadn't been transferred into inpatient care. When I finally was, my psychiatrist asked me what "my" discharge plan was. (Very helpful)
In what universe does this constitute "care" and "help"?

 

[XXX]

People are uncomfortable with the idea of suicide (understandably perhaps). They refer the person to "help" and wash their hands of him or her. Feeling they did the right thing. After that, it is SEP (somebody else's problem).

 

[Journeytoletgo]

I lost interest in getting better. Sometimes my mind may "flirt" with the idea of getting better however then I pause and think about what life has in store for me and from what I am seeing I'm not interested in continuing. I'm just done, I have a plot and a plan and a calendar counting the days until 2021 when it's all over. I feel so at peace knowing this is it. This world sucks, badly, and my life sucks even more. Know one asked to be born, it's in humane to impose life on beings without consent

 

[Moonicide]

I wish I could start over again without any mental illnesses or physical ailments... I am so loved and cared about within my friend circle and it breaks my heart that I will be leaving them. I wish I wasn't so fucked up so I could be a better girlfriend and be able to support myself financially rather than being on disability, not have him worry about the future. Our relationship is so strained and it is dying due to my mental illness. Without all of the unfortunate circumstances, I could have been something. I could have been a better daughter, friend, lover. I would have known what it was like to be a mother. I always wanted to be a mother... I always wanted to live a normal and quiet life. I wanted it so bad. I tried so hard. I'm just too broken and damaged.

 

[Moonstruck]

I'm not sure what "better" really means anymore, as it's all just nebulous absurdity and pointlessness. All I feel is the existential dread of knowing that nothing matters, and to believe otherwise is to just futilely attempt to reassemble the pieces of a shattered illusion. Like a kindergartner struggling to piece together a jigsaw puzzle. I wish I could have that again... I was babysitting my niece today and found myself coveting her innocence. It made me sad, but at the same time watching her made me feel human again for the first time in a while.

Ahh yes. I totally know what you mean. Kids are so free. Nothing bothers them and they don't have the ability to overthink like us adults. I miss that.

As far as getting better goes, that's not possible for me. I can't change the past. If someone told me this was where I'd be today I'd have not believed them, for one. But if I did, I'd have chosen to exit long ago.

 

[Lethe]

I've actually been feeling a lot better lately, hence why I haven't been around here as of late. Got on my depression meds again. I'm going to be trying psilocybin in a few weeks, as I've heard that it helps significantly with suicidal ideation and existential crisis. I'll report back on my experience afterwards.

 

[OneBigBlur]

That depends on your definition of better. My life has never been good in the slightest and improving my life to be slightly less shitty realistically does nothing for me. Sometimes I feel like neurotypicals and therapists are completely deranged when they offer me useless crap like coping mechanisms as if merely being mindful or breathing is going to make any real difference in my life.

 

[Emily123]

I really want to get better . Two surgeons botched my face and I really liked if there was another surgeon to fix it .

 

[Farmmaa]

I would love to get better but that can't happen unless my life gets better first.
There is no way to be happy and enjoy life when overwhelming debt and you're stressing every day about how you're going to pay all of your bills is constantly hanging over your head. Even without clinical depression, it would be next to impossible.
So, unless I happen to win a lottery in the next month, I just don't see any way to make things better.
I am too old to start over and there's just no way I can ever even attempt to pay down my debt.