People say that suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem. And in practice, I agree with them. The thing that most recently "triggered" me to spiral back into this headspace (i.e., planning my suicide), is literally, objectively temporary.
Yet, I don't care. Because the suffering that it is causing me in the present, and the objective negative outcomes that stem from the event DO have future consequences, and irrevocable ones at that, that also can't be proven. Me being depressed, dysregulated, slovenly, ugly, unconfident, etc. all have PERMANENT consequences if my sensory issues (others have suggested I am autistic but I have never been evaluated), anger, depression, make me unable to job seek, unable to behave as MYSELF with the HUMAN VALUES such as MORALITY and DIGNITY that I want to hold, how I want to have conversations, engage with the world, try to improve things at my dysfunctional workplace (despite lack of management), all these things I WANT to do. But if the consequences of my actions make it difficult for me to be (what I consider to be) a person worth being, and if my failure and poor decision making make it difficult for me to live the life that I want to live, than the temporary (though of unknown duration) consequences of my actions are a permanent problem.
One might argue that I am then making it into a permanent problem. That I am letting something minor control my thoughts and actions. I suppose my argument is, again, that if my life doesn't feel "right" (like being forced to permanently wear a hot, scratchy, wool sweater from someone who "loves" you, but actually just gives you gifts out of a sense of guilt and obligation), that ending it is at least a viable argument. Yes, it is a cognitive distortion, but people seem to only care about cognitive distortions when they are negative. Falling in love? Believing in God? Enjoying an unrealistic TV show and letting your own emotions be influenced by the characters who were written by someone with a propagandized agenda, thus subconsciously influencing how you act and what you believe? Yeah, those cognitive distortions are fine.
Even something benign, like for example, a bad haircut, can cause a butterfly effect of negative events for 1-2 years, depending how long it takes for you to grow it out, influenced by your diminished confidence and appearance, even if you are trying to have a positive attitude, and are neurotypical and not pathologically effected by the sensory aspects of change.
Something as simple as depression induced weight gain could prevent you from connecting with the love of your life.
Our entire world is defined by presentation and communication. Even if I only want to value my internal traits, this external vessel is something I must maintain as well to be able to truly externalize that which I believe in.
Forgive my tangent, I guess what I'm trying to say is that the whole "permanent solution to a temporary problem" thing isn't as simply righteous as it seems at face value. I'm not sure there are any truly "temporary" problems, aside from a mosquito bite or something. Everything is mashed together into one giant, sloppy, instant mashed potato stew. Every night I dream about people from my past, my sub-conscious forces me to relieve those I have left behind nightly, I feel like I am the culmination of everything: temporary and permanent.
And if the "temporary" barbs do fade, they live on in my dreams, they scrape every day, even if temporary, and until it goes away, it'll sting, draw blood, even if scars fade away, if I wait another year in the waiting room that I have confined myself to for the better half of the last decade.... many people can't stand to wait in line at a grocery store for more than 2 minutes, or to work a 5 hour retail shift, or to do so many TEMPORARY, not even uncomfortable things.
Problems come and go, but they are evidence of permanency. And even if a problem is "temporary", if it is bad enough, I think the individual can make the choice to decide that they've had enough. I am angry at my life, and myself. And I want to end it as a sort of punishment for the person I've become, the mistakes that I've made, the interactions that I've had, all of the events surrounding me, the shitty locus at the center. It would be a relief to just destroy myself, and I feel it is the strongest action I can take in making things right.
Even if things "get better", it won't change the fact that I am the type of person that has made the choices and lived the way I have up until now, and sometimes that is motivation enough.
Yet, I don't care. Because the suffering that it is causing me in the present, and the objective negative outcomes that stem from the event DO have future consequences, and irrevocable ones at that, that also can't be proven. Me being depressed, dysregulated, slovenly, ugly, unconfident, etc. all have PERMANENT consequences if my sensory issues (others have suggested I am autistic but I have never been evaluated), anger, depression, make me unable to job seek, unable to behave as MYSELF with the HUMAN VALUES such as MORALITY and DIGNITY that I want to hold, how I want to have conversations, engage with the world, try to improve things at my dysfunctional workplace (despite lack of management), all these things I WANT to do. But if the consequences of my actions make it difficult for me to be (what I consider to be) a person worth being, and if my failure and poor decision making make it difficult for me to live the life that I want to live, than the temporary (though of unknown duration) consequences of my actions are a permanent problem.
One might argue that I am then making it into a permanent problem. That I am letting something minor control my thoughts and actions. I suppose my argument is, again, that if my life doesn't feel "right" (like being forced to permanently wear a hot, scratchy, wool sweater from someone who "loves" you, but actually just gives you gifts out of a sense of guilt and obligation), that ending it is at least a viable argument. Yes, it is a cognitive distortion, but people seem to only care about cognitive distortions when they are negative. Falling in love? Believing in God? Enjoying an unrealistic TV show and letting your own emotions be influenced by the characters who were written by someone with a propagandized agenda, thus subconsciously influencing how you act and what you believe? Yeah, those cognitive distortions are fine.
Even something benign, like for example, a bad haircut, can cause a butterfly effect of negative events for 1-2 years, depending how long it takes for you to grow it out, influenced by your diminished confidence and appearance, even if you are trying to have a positive attitude, and are neurotypical and not pathologically effected by the sensory aspects of change.
Something as simple as depression induced weight gain could prevent you from connecting with the love of your life.
Our entire world is defined by presentation and communication. Even if I only want to value my internal traits, this external vessel is something I must maintain as well to be able to truly externalize that which I believe in.
Forgive my tangent, I guess what I'm trying to say is that the whole "permanent solution to a temporary problem" thing isn't as simply righteous as it seems at face value. I'm not sure there are any truly "temporary" problems, aside from a mosquito bite or something. Everything is mashed together into one giant, sloppy, instant mashed potato stew. Every night I dream about people from my past, my sub-conscious forces me to relieve those I have left behind nightly, I feel like I am the culmination of everything: temporary and permanent.
And if the "temporary" barbs do fade, they live on in my dreams, they scrape every day, even if temporary, and until it goes away, it'll sting, draw blood, even if scars fade away, if I wait another year in the waiting room that I have confined myself to for the better half of the last decade.... many people can't stand to wait in line at a grocery store for more than 2 minutes, or to work a 5 hour retail shift, or to do so many TEMPORARY, not even uncomfortable things.
Problems come and go, but they are evidence of permanency. And even if a problem is "temporary", if it is bad enough, I think the individual can make the choice to decide that they've had enough. I am angry at my life, and myself. And I want to end it as a sort of punishment for the person I've become, the mistakes that I've made, the interactions that I've had, all of the events surrounding me, the shitty locus at the center. It would be a relief to just destroy myself, and I feel it is the strongest action I can take in making things right.
Even if things "get better", it won't change the fact that I am the type of person that has made the choices and lived the way I have up until now, and sometimes that is motivation enough.
