Existence is pain. Many have said it, but I honestly can't remember who said it first. I've been thinking that this world is not for me for a long time now. This world is far from equal and fair. No matter what I do or how well I do it, someone's going to have a criticism. I have bipolar disorder but I consider myself completely sane. They keep saying it'll get better, it'll get better. I'm nearing 40 now and I've yet to see it get better. On top of everything else going on, I've been diagnosed with HIV. Now my legs don't even work because of HIV induced neuropathy. How did I get HIV? I don't even know! It's horrifying, mind boggling, heart breaking and just downright wrong... I was monogamous. I did what everyone says to do to remain safe. I was with 3 people in 15 years. But hey what the f* because why not? God/the universe/the aliens or whoever just keeps shitting on me. Where is the next Dr Kevorkian? I loved how he gave people a choice. If I say I'm fed up though and tell them I've thought about this for years now though, it doesn't matter.... I'm just "not trying hard enough" or "doing it wrong" or hey I'm on the "wrong medication". I'm tired. I'm exhausted. Both mentally and physically, I'm spent. Again though, I must insist that I am sane and that I've truly thought this out. Am I "jumping the gun"? Do I not get any choice as to whether or not I'm here? And then of course some tell me if I check out, I'm going to hell.
Can I get some opinions? Does anyone else have a chronic illness plus exhausted even before? I feel so alone.
Can I get some opinions? Does anyone else have a chronic illness plus exhausted even before? I feel so alone.
