Help Is my sh an addiction or habit?

[alixisbonez]

Ive self harmed for five years now
It, started with scratching my hand untill it burned when I was mad or sad then I started digging my nails into my palm from there I, found out cutting was and option and started that. At, first it was scratches then to slightly deeper ones like cat, scratches I'd fill my arms and thighs untill there was no more room
I got better blades and accidentally cut deeper and realized it didn't hurt that bad to go deeper so I continued doing styro*dermis* and it wasn't till about late last year that I cut down to the fat layer and figured out I could cut over it making it deeper without pain because the fat has no feeling I was able to reach the muscle Layer before it hurt I only did that on my thighs till recently I started on my arms and got down to muscle and had to get stitches because it gaped open and I couldn't keep it closed with butterfly bandages
Anyway that's like the process of how ive gotten where I am rn with self harm

I started as a way to left out man anger I couldn't show with words or writing and to release the awful urge to hit or hurt something when I got mad then slowly I did it more and more I started doing it even when I wasn't mad I did it at every inconvenience then I started doing it to pass time or as a punishment for eating
I stopped that and I, didn't even realize I ust started doing it when I was bored and I kept having urges to do it when I was clean I'd feel like I was missing something I didn't feel right
Now I do it because I feel like I have to sometimes I don't even want to, cut but I do anyway then I get the adrenaline and any thought of not wanting to do it at gone I cut over and over and I feel like im not in control I eel like im not here I dissociate a lot mainly after tho
An now as well I feel disappointed if I don't go deep and I won't stomp untill I hit the fat layer at least once even think used to be happy with fairly shallow cuts
A lot of my upper wrist is numb to touch and I can press hard without pain and get deep cuts with barly any pain depending on where I cut each time I cut my arm gets more messed up and I get less feeling witch just alloww to go, deeper
I get shock feelings all in my arms now sometimes especially if I lean on them ive permanently messed up my wrists and I don't even want to stop becouse I crave the feeling so much it's in my, mind all the time the urge and thought never leaves my mind

 

[Nightfoot]

I think a habit is just something you regularly do because you're used to doing it. Addiction, on the other hand, involves craving and needing to do more to get the same result as well as difficulty in stopping.

 

[alixisbonez]

Makes sense I have trouble knowing what can and cannot be an addiction and I wasn't sure what to call my self harm because ive gotten back lash and made family mad from calling it a habit as well as an addiction and my old therapist told me that it was just an etention thing witch I assured her it wasn't I hid it for a year before my brother found out on accident lol I stopped talking to her bc her points were more is not a addiction issue is an etention seeking issue lol

 

[penguinl0v3s]

I feel like I have to sometimes I don't even want to, cut but I do anyway

This is pretty characteristic of addiction

 

[PrincessSaturn]

I've always characterized it as an addiction because ever since I cut for the first time, I've always had that itch in the back of my head to do it when I'm in any sort of emotional pain. It's also surprisingly the easiest way to get me to calm down when I'm at an emotional high, which makes my brain crave it even more during those moments. I could see it as either an addiction or a habit, but I guess it depends on how your brain works. Most people (in my experience), once they start cutting, have a really hard time stopping regardless of how badly they want to.

 

[setspiritfree]

I hate that you are going through this. I would venture to say you probably are getting some dopamine hits when you sh. That would definitely cause an addiction to it same as drugs, porn, food etc…

 

[alixisbonez]

I've always characterized it as an addiction because ever since I cut for the first time, I've always had that itch in the back of my head to do it when I'm in any sort of emotional pain. It's also surprisingly the easiest way to get me to calm down when I'm at an emotional high, which makes my brain crave it even more during those moments. I could see it as either an addiction or a habit, but I guess it depends on how your brain works. Most people (in my experience), once they start cutting, have a really hard time stopping regardless of how badly they want to.

Yup ive wanted to stop but can only go about a week at most ive kinds stopped wanting to stop tho bc stopping is more stress than just continuing

 

[PrincessSaturn]

Yup ive wanted to stop but can only go about a week at most ive kinds stopped wanting to stop tho bc stopping is more stress than just continuing

Stopping cold turkey is really difficult. If you desire to stop cutting, I'd start by using things that are less sharp, and gradually shifting to other methods of relieving your urges. Some old friends of mine have used ice, dull pencils, or plastic butter knives to slowly stop. Something to leave little scratches without really tearing into the skin. My urges aren't as strong as they used to be, but I can usually distract myself by busying my hands with video games or something until the feelings pass.

 

[Cauliflour]

Black ballpoint pen on skin under certain warm lights kinda looks like blood in the dark.