Discussion Is it bad that im not reaching out for help?

[human123]

Im 18 years old and have had suicidal thoughts since I was 11. when I was 11 and 12, I was in mental hospitals for suicide ideation and attempts (extremely unsuccessful ones) and have been in therapy for most of my life. I just got more trauma in the mental hospitals as a adolescent, so after getting discharged from the mental hospital for the 3rd time when I was 12, I was determined to pretend to be ok and fake it till I made it. I was able to suppress the desire to die for a little bit, but it came back as strong as ever.

Everyone thinks I've been thriving for about 5 or 6 years, but i still have these thoughts and am planning on CTB in August 31. I've even started writing a note. I haven't told anyone for a few reasons,
1, I dont want to unnecessarily worry someone.
2, I dont want to go to the mental hospital again, im scared.
3, its not going to do anything anyway and I just want it to end.

People online, including someone from this forum says that I should get help and tell someone in real life that im planning on ending my life. But i really dont want to, it would hurt them and make my situation worse. I cant tell anyone

 

[bl33ding_heart]

The decision is ultimately yours. But I think you should get help if you think it could really benefit you and save your life. Don't worry about being a burden to anyone. You are just a hurting person in need of support and there's nothing wrong with that. And if you're worried about being sectioned again, as long as you don't talk about actual plans to ctb it likely won't happen. I wish you the best with whatever you decide for yourself.

 

[human123]

The decision is ultimately yours. But I think you should get help if you think it could really benefit you and save your life. Don't worry about being a burden to anyone. You are just a hurting person in need of support and there's nothing wrong with that. And if you're worried about being sectioned again, as long as you don't talk about actual plans to ctb it likely won't happen. I wish you the best with whatever you decide for yourself.

I dont think it will change anything. been through all the help before and have always been in therapy

 

[bl33ding_heart]

I dont think it will change anything. been through all the help before and have always been in therapy

Do you know what the root cause of your depression and suicidal ideation could be?

 

[morina]

Do you think a therapeutical setting could actually help you? Then maybe you could try it out. I don't know which country you are from, but in most countries, it's probably nearly impossible to forcefully admit someone to a psych ward without their consent if they don't talk about explicit ctb plans. On the other hand, having to lie about your seemingly biggest problem of course isn't beneficial to the therapy.
Though you state that you have always been in therapy and had help. Then yeah, getting "new help" probably won't be different than before. When you have actually tried and not succeeded, the "get help" phrase becomes an empty phrase uttered by people who don't want you dead but also have no idea on how to make you want to live.

Soo, I'd recommend therapy or reaching out to someone if you actually still have the wish to get better, still want to live. The decision shouldn't depend on if others worried about you: if someone is worried by you telling them you want to die, then they'd still prefer that over you actually ctbing. Neither should the decision to "get help" depend on if others want you to do so, only on your personal desire.

 

[human123]

Do you know what the root cause of your depression and suicidal ideation could be?

I think its my past. I worte about it here

Thread 'My story'

My story

The beginning The early years not much happened so ill skip them. girst, my parents got divorced when I was in 2nd grade. I remember my father was putting me to bed and told me that he would be away for a while. I asked if he was going to come back, and he said he didn't know and then just left...

sanctioned-suicide.net

But I think my depression is permanent and im going to suffer from it for the rest of my life because its been 7 years

Do you think a therapeutical setting could actually help you? Then maybe you could try it out. I don't know which country you are from, but in most countries, it's probably nearly impossible to forcefully admit someone to a psych ward without their consent if they don't talk about explicit ctb plans. On the other hand, having to lie about your seemingly biggest problem of course isn't beneficial to the therapy.
Though you state that you have always been in therapy and had help. Then yeah, getting "new help" probably won't be different than before. When you have actually tried and not succeeded, the "get help" phrase becomes an empty phrase uttered by people who don't want you dead but also have no idea on how to make you want to live.

Soo, I'd recommend therapy or reaching out to someone if you actually still have the wish to get better, still want to live. The decision shouldn't depend on if others worried about you: if someone is worried by you telling them you want to die, then they'd still prefer that over you actually ctbing. Neither should the decision to "get help" depend on if others want you to do so, only on your personal desire.

I dont think it would help me. and I dont want to live and have given up getting better. I know that by living in would suffer so I want to die. its just internet people have been telling me to get help and that I got "nothing to lose"

 

[bl33ding_heart]

I think its my past. I worte about it here

Thread 'My story'

My story

The beginning The early years not much happened so ill skip them. girst, my parents got divorced when I was in 2nd grade. I remember my father was putting me to bed and told me that he would be away for a while. I asked if he was going to come back, and he said he didn't know and then just left...

sanctioned-suicide.net

But I think my depression is permanent and im going to suffer from it for the rest of my life because its been 7 years

I dont think it would help me. and I dont want to live and have given up getting better. I know that by living in would suffer so I want to die. its just internet people have been telling me to get help and that I got "nothing to lose"

You have been through so much, I honestly feel so bad and really wish your circumstances could be different. I don't know how many different forms of therapy or medication you've taken. But I think if there's even a slight chance at your life being saved you should take it. Because if things get better you will be glad you did, and the decision to ctb will always still be there if things unfortunately stay bad. I respect any choices you decide to make and wish the best for you.

 

[yes7777777]

Yeah if u really want to CTB, then telling people of ur suicidal thoughts will ruin it

 

[morina]

I think its my past. I worte about it here

Thread 'My story'

My story

The beginning The early years not much happened so ill skip them. girst, my parents got divorced when I was in 2nd grade. I remember my father was putting me to bed and told me that he would be away for a while. I asked if he was going to come back, and he said he didn't know and then just left...

sanctioned-suicide.net

But I think my depression is permanent and im going to suffer from it for the rest of my life because its been 7 years

I dont think it would help me. and I dont want to live and have given up getting better. I know that by living in would suffer so I want to die. its just internet people have been telling me to get help and that I got "nothing to lose"

I have read the whole post about your past now and you really have been through a lot. Especially in the mental institutions, more than I have been through, and what I have been through was already traumatising to me, so this must hurt so much. Basically the things I feared and reasons I never ever wanted to end up in a psych ward again manifest. Even outside of the institutions your circumstances have been far from optimal.

Like I said, internet people's opinions in my opinion shouldn't decide whether you ctb or not. I don't think that there is nothing to lose by not ctbing, Not ctbing will probably induce suffering which you will have to endure and will have endured if you decide to ctb at a later date. The question is whether risking that suffering is worth it for the positive emotions you are able to feel by continuing to live.

May I ask what the dark or bad thoughts you describe are? Of course, you don't have to answer. I am just interested since I don't quite understand why you "fear regressing" because of depression if what you describe basically already is a "regressed" state. Like, what exactly do you fear?