This helps thanks. Still, I end up with the question; if someone is passively suicidal, how do they know in advance whether the obligation to live will be worth it? As you say, getting into a relationship means being obligated to live for the sake of your partner, in your case you now feel obligated to live (and suffer) because of your partner. This may seem like a tough question, but because of the obligation to live, is there a part of you that regrets getting married? As in, does a part of you regret putting yourself in a position where now you are forced to live and suffer? I ask because a part of me wonders whether suicidal people are wasting their time dating, when decades into the future they will still feel suicidal and be forced to live for their partner.
I totally understand your question and your desire to have a definitive answer, unfortunately, I can't give you one.
I'm currently in a somewhat decent state of mind, better than during my original post.
So does part of me regret it, yes. With my precious pup having passed away, I know I could have peacefully ended it now. Part of me very much regrets getting married. Not because I don't love my husband, but because I DO.
I wasn't the best mother to his children. When they were young, I worked a very hard job, stacking lumber for 9 hours a day. The exhaustion coupled with my mental issues left me with little emotional and mental capacity to be as kind as patient as a good mother should have. I carry a LOT of guilt for that.
Then I feel alot of guilt that my husband, such a kind and giving man, loves someone like me. I feel like I have eased my own pain by just pawning it off on someone else. I feel like absolute shit for that. He deserves better than someone like me, and I feel that I have been nothing but a negative/depressing influence in his life.
But on the other side of the coin, I love my husband. This has been the happiest time of my life with him. We actually just celebrated 11 years on the 6th. I am in awe every day that I look at him, that such a kind and intelligent and handsome man could love someone like me. We still feel like newlyweds, our love for one another has only grown stronger over the years. We both say we don't really remember much of life before us, there is only us. It simultaneously feel so new and fresh, yet also like it's just always been. We are always together. We used to work together so we were literally together 24/7 and we loved it. But I went to college for a better paying, non physical job. If we aren't working though, we're together.
So now to maybe give you more of an answer, would I do it again if I could start over.............. no. I had to really sit and think about it, but it hurts me to say that I wouldn't. As happy as we are together now, I wouldn't do it. As I mentioned, I wasn't the best mother and I carry so much guilt for that every single day.
We have built such a good life for ourselves, with our own home and decent vehicles, and I'm so proud of us. We have both worked so hard for everything we have accomplished, but I think he would have been better off with someone more "normal". Someone who wasn't so fucked in the head and could have raised his kids with more patience, someone who could go to work without having a mental breakdown and quitting. Just someone better than me that doesn't hold him back or be such a fucking downer. The fact that we do have such a good life and that I'm still so miserable inside just proves that I am fucked beyond help. If I can't be happy now, then there's no hope for me.
Now to give you a different answer, would I do it again if the situation were different? Yes. Hell yes. If we could have won the lottery and not had the stress of work and money, then I would have been a happier person and therefore more kind and patient mother. When we're both together, playing video games or going biking or simply just existing in one another's presence, the world seems fine. But when we're separated and money worries and stuff happens... then I start to loose my shit and get overwhelmed with existence. If our lives could be nothing but joy and happiness spending time together with none of the stupid worries that adulting brings, then I would do it again.
Honestly, things would have probably been better if I could have just had this better job to begin with. I traded physical stress for mental stress and I hate the job still, but it pays decent. Not worrying as much about money is a big help in my mental health. I worry about so many things already, the more things I can remove from that list the better I am.
Sorry I still wasn't able to give you a better or definitive answer. One thing I can tell you, don't settle. Don't just settle for someone who's simply nice to you, and especially for someone not nice to you. Make sure it's someone you love more than anything, and who reciprocates your love the same. Being obligated to stay around is hard and painful, but making sure it's for someone worthwhile makes it a bit easier.
