I think that was my almost suicide attempt in 2024. I already dissolved the SN in a glass and I had my mouth at the glass. But I waited to drinking it.
My personal opinion on my own suicide is. There is a high risk but possible with the reward of never having to experience pain anymore. And that's a lot. Personally, I am not scared of non existing. Actually, if I died this second due to an event I cannot influence and the passing was fast and with tolerance to some pain this would for me be like hitting the lottery. If I cannot influence the decision there is way less anxiety involved. I am scared to fuck up my situation even more. And then having to live with the consequences. This is why I want to wait with another attempt until the situation is really absolutely hopeless. I think in the longrun it is absolutely hopeless with my conditions and life. But I still try to run away from my problems as long as I can while waiting for a miracle.
I wish I could wait until my parents are dead. I think the problem with my suicide is. I am really bad at shutting my mouth. I need to talk and talk. And I vent a lot to my closest friends. And it means more to me than venting on here. I also could imagine let's say 150-300 people read your goodbye thread. There will be a a few sickos (not sure how many maybe only 2-3) who feel schadenfreude or become sexually aroused. And I don't really feel comfortable with that.
I think the real danger of my almost suicide attempt was: I was torn between living and wanting to die. And I don't want to bring myself in this position again. There were some variables I couldn't influence I was in a horrible shape after college. I think I live through relationships to other people. And I cannot imagine cutting my friends off.
I wanted to say goodbye to my friends before I killing myself. But in some way I also were ambivalent and wanted them to help me. However, I really trusted them they wouldn't call the police. This was quite naive. We once had this agreement to never call the police. And then one friend of me called the police. The police knocked at my door and afterwards there happened a really nightmare clinic stay which also is documented in this forum. It was so horrible. From all outcome however this day could have had it was a better outcome though. I mean if I died it would be over. And for me this would have been a good outcome in some way. No more suffering, no more pain. It could have saved me some pain. However, I made my first sexual experiences with a woman 2 months after this nightmarish clinic stay. And this was on my bucket list. I am someone who worries much. I even worry a lot about small issues. I can panic over my teeth what I do recently. I was so scared when my mom had her strokes. I think this day in October could have ended pretty badly. The most important thing for me is: no damage after a suicide attempt. I don't care much about pain or feeling dizzy and really bad. I mean I felt horrible my whole life. Why should it now matter? But I am scared of making my situation worse and then blaming myself for that until the rest of my life. Because this would inevitably happen. I know how I work.
I think the next time when I want to kill myself. No more communication with close friends. No more saying goodbye But it is such an existential moment where loneliness feels even more crushing. I could imagine when my friends start working our friendships will also become more loose. Sadly. But actually when I think about all the issues I have in my life. And about what I worry every single day. Taking the SN and surviving it could have put all my issues on steroids. It is for me still my favorite method. But I learned that my aproach was way too naive. I really didn't imagine my friends to call police. I considered it sort of weird someone was knocking my door so aggressively. The most horrible outcome would have been I am half dead and then the police arrives and reanimates me. Brain damage is the thing that scares me the most. And I think this is rather rare with SN. But I read stories where people were in a coma, had to learn speaking again and all that shit. Compared to that the worries I torment myself over are rather small. And the most rational answer would be: Torture yourself less. Don't make your situation even worse. You are going through a lot. But you also torment yourself over minor things. And minor mistakes over and over. This doesn't make my life better if it leads to another attempt which has the potential to make things even worse.
There is one problem though. And one reason why I won't copy this text to get feedback of chatGPT. I think my suicide is sooner or later inevitable. I have so many structural issues. So many things will become worse and worse in my life. I have to kill myself. And I will have to risk it. But I probably need to be more prepared. I have also some theories about my mind for that. But for now I try to minimze the pain I have. I am someone I think a lot about the future. But I don't really have one. I hate to get older. And I feel more embarrassed with every year passing. Because my friends have achievments and I have nothing. My personal conclusion it: I will only approach killing myself if I am extremely with my back against the wall. When I am acute in a situation that is fucked beyond repair and there is no more hope left. I crossed my limit with attending college courses. This almost killed me. For now I feel like I am running on borrowed time. I hate not caring about my future. But I really cannot do something against not being able to work. And all the consequences this will have. For my financials and for finding a partner. And only worrying about my future doesn't really solve the issue. I try to prepare myself mentally to be in the situation where i have to kill myself. But in the mean time I try to make the best of it.
One side note. I hate my teeth. I think they not a horrible shape. But I worry a lot about them. Especially recently. But actually I just imagine how they would look like after a coma....and don't you get a catheter in your fucking dick when you are in a coma? I once saw an image of that. And bro I don't want that. I think this could have destroyed my friendship with my friends. And this is bascially the best thing that happened to me in my whole life. If I already took the SN and I would have gotten permanent damage/my mom another stroke. This would have made my life so much worse. I probably never could have forgiven the friend who called the police. He is one of my two closest friends who I know for more than 10 years. This could have burdened our relation a lot and I would have been beyond anger for his behavior. I probably would have never been able to get over the hatred. I mean the outcome was comparitively somewwhat good compared to other options. I think if the police arrived 1-2 hours later it would have become really really rough for me. And we are still very close friends. And in some way he also was pressured to call the police. I think not calling the police would have gotten them in legal trouble. But the other friend (with whom I had more talks about not calling police) he probably would not have called the police. Or maybe later. He said his reaction was very time-shifted.
My personal opinion on my own suicide is. There is a high risk but possible with the reward of never having to experience pain anymore. And that's a lot. Personally, I am not scared of non existing. Actually, if I died this second due to an event I cannot influence and the passing was fast and with tolerance to some pain this would for me be like hitting the lottery. If I cannot influence the decision there is way less anxiety involved. I am scared to fuck up my situation even more. And then having to live with the consequences. This is why I want to wait with another attempt until the situation is really absolutely hopeless. I think in the longrun it is absolutely hopeless with my conditions and life. But I still try to run away from my problems as long as I can while waiting for a miracle.
I wish I could wait until my parents are dead. I think the problem with my suicide is. I am really bad at shutting my mouth. I need to talk and talk. And I vent a lot to my closest friends. And it means more to me than venting on here. I also could imagine let's say 150-300 people read your goodbye thread. There will be a a few sickos (not sure how many maybe only 2-3) who feel schadenfreude or become sexually aroused. And I don't really feel comfortable with that.
I think the real danger of my almost suicide attempt was: I was torn between living and wanting to die. And I don't want to bring myself in this position again. There were some variables I couldn't influence I was in a horrible shape after college. I think I live through relationships to other people. And I cannot imagine cutting my friends off.
I wanted to say goodbye to my friends before I killing myself. But in some way I also were ambivalent and wanted them to help me. However, I really trusted them they wouldn't call the police. This was quite naive. We once had this agreement to never call the police. And then one friend of me called the police. The police knocked at my door and afterwards there happened a really nightmare clinic stay which also is documented in this forum. It was so horrible. From all outcome however this day could have had it was a better outcome though. I mean if I died it would be over. And for me this would have been a good outcome in some way. No more suffering, no more pain. It could have saved me some pain. However, I made my first sexual experiences with a woman 2 months after this nightmarish clinic stay. And this was on my bucket list. I am someone who worries much. I even worry a lot about small issues. I can panic over my teeth what I do recently. I was so scared when my mom had her strokes. I think this day in October could have ended pretty badly. The most important thing for me is: no damage after a suicide attempt. I don't care much about pain or feeling dizzy and really bad. I mean I felt horrible my whole life. Why should it now matter? But I am scared of making my situation worse and then blaming myself for that until the rest of my life. Because this would inevitably happen. I know how I work.
I think the next time when I want to kill myself. No more communication with close friends. No more saying goodbye But it is such an existential moment where loneliness feels even more crushing. I could imagine when my friends start working our friendships will also become more loose. Sadly. But actually when I think about all the issues I have in my life. And about what I worry every single day. Taking the SN and surviving it could have put all my issues on steroids. It is for me still my favorite method. But I learned that my aproach was way too naive. I really didn't imagine my friends to call police. I considered it sort of weird someone was knocking my door so aggressively. The most horrible outcome would have been I am half dead and then the police arrives and reanimates me. Brain damage is the thing that scares me the most. And I think this is rather rare with SN. But I read stories where people were in a coma, had to learn speaking again and all that shit. Compared to that the worries I torment myself over are rather small. And the most rational answer would be: Torture yourself less. Don't make your situation even worse. You are going through a lot. But you also torment yourself over minor things. And minor mistakes over and over. This doesn't make my life better if it leads to another attempt which has the potential to make things even worse.
There is one problem though. And one reason why I won't copy this text to get feedback of chatGPT. I think my suicide is sooner or later inevitable. I have so many structural issues. So many things will become worse and worse in my life. I have to kill myself. And I will have to risk it. But I probably need to be more prepared. I have also some theories about my mind for that. But for now I try to minimze the pain I have. I am someone I think a lot about the future. But I don't really have one. I hate to get older. And I feel more embarrassed with every year passing. Because my friends have achievments and I have nothing. My personal conclusion it: I will only approach killing myself if I am extremely with my back against the wall. When I am acute in a situation that is fucked beyond repair and there is no more hope left. I crossed my limit with attending college courses. This almost killed me. For now I feel like I am running on borrowed time. I hate not caring about my future. But I really cannot do something against not being able to work. And all the consequences this will have. For my financials and for finding a partner. And only worrying about my future doesn't really solve the issue. I try to prepare myself mentally to be in the situation where i have to kill myself. But in the mean time I try to make the best of it.
One side note. I hate my teeth. I think they not a horrible shape. But I worry a lot about them. Especially recently. But actually I just imagine how they would look like after a coma....and don't you get a catheter in your fucking dick when you are in a coma? I once saw an image of that. And bro I don't want that. I think this could have destroyed my friendship with my friends. And this is bascially the best thing that happened to me in my whole life. If I already took the SN and I would have gotten permanent damage/my mom another stroke. This would have made my life so much worse. I probably never could have forgiven the friend who called the police. He is one of my two closest friends who I know for more than 10 years. This could have burdened our relation a lot and I would have been beyond anger for his behavior. I probably would have never been able to get over the hatred. I mean the outcome was comparitively somewwhat good compared to other options. I think if the police arrived 1-2 hours later it would have become really really rough for me. And we are still very close friends. And in some way he also was pressured to call the police. I think not calling the police would have gotten them in legal trouble. But the other friend (with whom I had more talks about not calling police) he probably would not have called the police. Or maybe later. He said his reaction was very time-shifted.
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